The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Midnite Toker]

The differnce between kinky and perverted? when you're kinky you use a feather. When you're perverted you use the whole bird!
`mT

 

[Skip]

Man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.

There's this movie, can't remember the name, and one of the stories in it is about this woman who gets encouraged by her girlfriend to put her finger up her boyfriend's ass while they're having sex. So she does it and it goes fine until afterwards when she smells her finger, and reacts with horror at the smell. So she goes and washes her finger, and it still smells, so she scrubs it harder, still not happy with it. Then she goes to a pharmacist to find the most potent cleanser for it. Still won't work. She scrubs that finger raw, while freaking out that the smell won't go away.

Finally she goes to hospital and while she's there, she cuts off the finger... What was priceless was the look on the girl's face the whole time, utter disgust! Then the story ends when the girl tells her parents and her boyfriend why she cut off her finger, with the parents attacking the boyfriend...

Anyone know the name of that movie?

 

[STUNKY]

One down nine to go.. Jk

 

[5th]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. Hes rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, Do you know me? To which she replies, I think you're the father of one of my kids. Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, Im your sons teacher.

 

[Skip]

There's this movie, can't remember the name, and one of the stories in it is about this woman who gets encouraged by her girlfriend to put her finger up her boyfriend's ass while they're having sex. So she does it and it goes fine until afterwards when she smells her finger, and reacts with horror at the smell. So she goes and washes her finger, and it still smells, so she scrubs it harder, still not happy with it. Then she goes to a pharmacist to find the most potent cleanser for it. Still won't work. She scrubs that finger raw, while freaking out that the smell won't go away.

Finally she goes to hospital and while she's there, she cuts off the finger... What was priceless was the look on the girl's face the whole time, utter disgust! Then the story ends when the girl tells her parents and her boyfriend why she cut off her finger, with the parents attacking the boyfriend...

Anyone know the name of that movie?

I found the name of the movie! It's "Burning Palms".
Here's a review: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1283887/reviews

There are four other weird stories in the movie.

 

[5th]

ahhhh...almost golf seaon for me...

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "Im Mother Nature, and I dont like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you wont be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, wheres your ball?" "Its over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DONT HIT THE BALL!!!! DONT HIT THE BALL!!!!"

 

[Canniwhatsis]

ahhhh...almost golf seaon for me...

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "Im Mother Nature, and I dont like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you wont be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, wheres your ball?" "Its over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DONT HIT THE BALL!!!! DONT HIT THE BALL!!!!"

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I"m dropping this one elsewhere on one of my buddies that spends too much time golfing!

 

[Stonefree69]

Drugstore curiosity

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."


Got pulled over...

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What do you call a half Spanish, half Chinese man, with uneven Testicals?

Juan Hung Lo

 

[greenmatter]

what do you call an overweight asian?

a chunk

 

[Princess Vahall]

A blond drops off a black dress at the dry cleaners. On the way out the door the lady at the counter says, "Come again". The blond replies, "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosy bitch".

 

[Stonefree69]

Lil Johnny joke for Hank

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Lil Johnny joke for Hank

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

Best delivered Little Johnny joke ever, from my favourite film of all time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG4W389Gmcs

 

[5th]

^^^^ was so good I watched it thrice.

 

[5th]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Learys apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, Oh, me boys, someones got to tell Paddys wife. Who will it be? They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet??? Im the most discreet Irishmen youll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me. Gallagher goes over to Murphys house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead!, says Murphys wife... Ill go tell him. says Gallagher.

 

[5th]

I've got a long bus ride ahead of me so I was going through my file of these old, stupid jokes while blazing a bowl to make me feel better about myself I might have posted it before, if so...disregard.

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, "What?" "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldnt get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howards manhood. Then, one night, Howard didnt show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howards manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I dont have?!" Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinsons."

 

[GreenPlant]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

 

[STUNKY]

So the women gets pregnant and goes to the bar to celebrate.. That jokes got 2 punch lines.lol

 

[Hank Hemp]

It's a joke

 

[auto guerilla]

was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said: "If you lost a few pounds,

had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said: "If I did that,

I'd be talking to your good looking friends over there instead of you."