The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[auto guerilla]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born

just by feeling her boobs

"Really" she said, "Go on then, try"


After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said:

"Come on, what day was I born." ?
I said, “Yesterday."

 

[auto guerilla]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely,! Most tables would have collapsed by now

 

[auto guerilla]

those were just a few funnies i came across lately i wanted to share. loving this thread

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born

just by feeling her boobs

"Really" she said, "Go on then, try"


After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said:

"Come on, what day was I born." ?
I said, “Yesterday."

LOL, this reminds me of an old pickup technique I used to use.

I would go to a lady and say "I bet you a drink I can move your breasts without touching them."
Invariably the lady would say OK, so I'd put my fingers to my temples and put on an expression of intense concentration.
Then I'd quickly put my hands under the boobs and jiggle them, sigh, and say "So, what are you drinking?"

Combining humour, mentalism, and indecent assault. The funny thing is, it worked more often than not.

 

[GreenPlant]

<<< It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'—

Sent to me via Bro.s gf

More of a lol that it aint much funny to me at the mo! Dumb b****. Np lol

 

[5th]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while youre having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

 

[Weezard]

Love dress

Love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

[trichrider]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded;
so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's
expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued,
as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the
church, and how much more It could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as

many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In
the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen.
Gotta love those senior citizens!

 

[Princess Vahall]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

 

[Stonefree69]

Nick the Dragon Slayer

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Johnny the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Johnny thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Johnny made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Johnny informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Johnny then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Johnny demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that Johnny could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Johnny slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king’s underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Sorry to say I read that whole "joke".

 

[Herb Tarlek]

A guy rushes into a tavern and quickly sits at the bar. Out of breath and panicky he says, bartender give me 4 shots of your most expensive scotch. The bartender, without hesitation pours 4 shots of Chivas 25 Year Old Scotch. The patron quickly downs all four shots in record time. The bartender says geez buddy why did you drink them like that, you didn't even savor them. The patron says "you would drink like that too if you had what I had". The bartender says my god buddy what do you have. The guy says.... 4 bucks!

 

[HighDesertJoe]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"

 

[Stoner4Life]

I was getting cited for killing & cooking a blue heron one day up here in minnesota, I didn't know they were a protected species. I apologized promising never to do it again when the warden asked me if I'd done this before, I told him I had.

Astounded he continued to write me up vocalizing on how he wished he could do more to punish me. When he was done and calmed down a bit he asked me what blue heron tasted like, "sort of like a cross between bald eagle & trumpeter swan" I replied.......

 

[Iffy]

Subject: LOGIC OF A BEER DRINKER

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years..

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15
years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years,
you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No I do Not!

Man: So where's your fuckin' Ferrari?

 

[5th]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[Iffy]

There's an old saying.....
Give a man a fish & you'll feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and.....well you saved yourself a fish!

 

[Hermanthegerman]

Don´t know if it´s funny or you understand the joke, i have to translate it with my simple english. Do you know where the female period is coming from?

The classical scene in paradise. Eve bites in the forbidden apple, god is seeing it and shouts from heaven,: Eve, you gonna blood for this!! And Eve sheepish,: Can I pay it in little payments?

 

[Hank Hemp]

Let's hope it lost something in translation.

 

[trichrider]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because
as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to
music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the
cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"


The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there
were no taxis, hop out and wait for a camel!"