The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[HighDesertJoe]

Three mischievous old
Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home
When an old Grandpa
walked by.
And one of the old
Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell
exactly how old you are."


The old man said,

"There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! Just drop your pants
and under shorts and we can tell
your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little,
but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to
first turn around a couple of times
and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in
unison...


"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

[trichrider]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn away to be mowed."

 

[BornToBeWild]

Not a joke but I'm sure you will get a few chuckles.

My fiances parents came over for dinner last night, and we were all sitting at the dinner table. I complimented on her dad looking like he had dropped a few pounds. He said yeah "I've been doing Jenny Craig" I laughed so hard about choked on my water!!!

 

[trichrider]

Wine taster...

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking
for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north
slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels,
matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the
drunk.

The director was astonished and found it hard to believe let alone accept.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me
the job, I'll name the father.."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

2 Nuns are sharing a bath, and one says to the other
"where's the soap?"
To which the 2nd Nun replied
"Yes it does"

 

[trichrider]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[trichrider]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

 

[trichrider]

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

 

[Weezard]

..Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,
I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[draco]

a priest and a rabbi are walking in the city when they noticed a small child sleeping in an alley.

the priest said, "let's f#ck him!"

the rabbi said, "outta what?"

 

[greenmatter]

Q. why does santa carry such a big sack ...?

A. poor bastard only comes once a year.

 

[HighDesertJoe]

Funny story...
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

 

[draco]

the Bishop and the Cardinal are having dinner at the Bishops house. The Cardinal exclaims, "Why, this is the best fish I have ever tasted! May I ask what they are called?"

The Bishop says, "They are Little Sonsobitches, your grace."

"Please!" cried the Cardinal, "We must not speak like this!"

"But," the Bishop said, "that is the commercial name for this product."

"Well in that case," said the Cardinal, "we will serve it to the Pope when he visits next month. The Pope loves fish!"


At the Papal dinner, the fish was served. When the Holy Father tasted the fish, his eyebrows shot up.

"What delicious fish!! May I ask, what are they called?"

"Little Sonsobitches, Your Grace."

The Pope stoically looks from the Cardinal to the Bishop... hesitates for a moment... then he smiles and says,

"You know, you fuckers are alright!!"

 

[mpd]

True Story...

A first grade teacher was reading Chicken Little to the class and got to the part where Chicken Little came up to the farmer and said, "the sky is falling, the sky is falling!" and turned to one of her charges and asked the young girl, "what do you think the farmer said?"

The girl replied, "Holy shit! A talking chicken! We're gonna' be rich!"

It took a full 15 minutes for the teacher to regain control of the classroom and dry her tears.

 

[Brother Bear]

Last time i went on a airplane flight the attendant came by and asked if i would like some head phones. Of course i said "Hell Yeah !!"
And i asked her how she knew my name was Phones

 

[trichrider]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.


Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."


"Very good, Sally" said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"


Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"


Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his little heart...

 

[dddaver]

And here I thought political commentary was against the tou. Silly me.

 

[Saint Razz]

tebow is the most watched white bronco since the o.j. chase!

 

[ilegalalien]

...ok..back to the program. A guy goes into a Chinese food joint and orders the pepper
squid, He gets his meal and a minute or two later he calls over the waiter, He points
to his meal and loudly exclaims; "this squid is rubbery" .. the waiter sez "fank you,fank
you".
p.s
[ it's not racist if it works ]

 

[Stoner4Life]

could be the funniest 30 seconds on youtube

[youtubeif]f5NA8Vjjkow[/youtubeif]