ahhh...Uncle Sams Mis-guided Children...i was one
..don't really miss that BS, but thanks to all who serve
ahhh...Uncle Sams Mis-guided Children...i was one
..don't really miss that BS, but thanks to all who serve
C
Chamba
"I was so poor when I was young, that I used to wake up on Christmas morning hoping I had an erection, just so I had something to play with."
A joke told by ice hockey legend Gordie Howe
A joke told by ice hockey legend Gordie Howe
Last edited:
BornToBeWild
Member
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
this one makes sense if you were around in the 80s.......
happiness is waking up and finding your wife's picture on the side of the milk carton.
happiness is waking up and finding your wife's picture on the side of the milk carton.
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".
This is the story of the christian bear:
A man is walking along a forest trail. As he goes around a turn in the trail, he comes face-to-face with a 12 foot tall bear.
He immediately assumed a prayerful attitude and asked the Lord "Lord, if you don't do anything else today, please make this a christian bear."
It was a miracle. The bear put his paws together prayerfully and said "thank you o Lord for this meal which we are about to eat."
A man is walking along a forest trail. As he goes around a turn in the trail, he comes face-to-face with a 12 foot tall bear.
He immediately assumed a prayerful attitude and asked the Lord "Lord, if you don't do anything else today, please make this a christian bear."
It was a miracle. The bear put his paws together prayerfully and said "thank you o Lord for this meal which we are about to eat."
C
Classy@Home
My favourite Rene Descartes joke...
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender says "you want a beer?"
Rene Descartes says "I think not"
And disappears..
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender says "you want a beer?"
Rene Descartes says "I think not"
And disappears..
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in
Rochester for a check-up
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to fish says the old
guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing
that, I'm out fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with
and fished with me this morning. '
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when
he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
fishing with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Rochester for a check-up
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to fish says the old
guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing
that, I'm out fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with
and fished with me this morning. '
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when
he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
fishing with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle, TN and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.
And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.
And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!
G
greenmatter
^^^^^^^^ yes it is!
C
Chamba
Ashton and Demi splitting up ...it had to happen didn't it, Ashton was just getting way too old for her.
lol haha lol lol
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said,"You're pulling my leg."
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last Saturday.
...He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last Saturday.
...He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
G
greenmatter
obama decides he needs a minute or two alone so he has the motorcade stop at a lake he sees from the road. the secret service does a quick sweep of the area, lead him to the edge of the lake and back off a couple hundred yards so POTUS can have some alone time.
while he is walking along the edge of the lake he falls in and starts sinking fast. the secret service is too far away to help but it turns out they missed three teenagers smoking one in the bushes next to the lake, and the three jump in and save obama just in time.
after he is back on his feet he thanks them and asks if there is anything they want ........
the first kid says he wants a fully loaded mustang. obama says " done .... but i think you sold yourself short kid. i'm the president, you could have asked for more"
the second kids thinks and says he would like to go to MIT but he is too far down on the list. obama says " no problem ..... i'll make a couple phone calls and get you hooked up"
the third kid says "i need a 24 hour home nurse, one of those wheelchairs that steers by how you breath into it, an iron lung, and free physical therapy."
the president looks puzzled and say " kid, you are only 17. what do you need all that stuff for? you look healthy"
the kid looks him in the eye and says "when my dad finds out i saved you from drowning i will need all that stuff and more"
while he is walking along the edge of the lake he falls in and starts sinking fast. the secret service is too far away to help but it turns out they missed three teenagers smoking one in the bushes next to the lake, and the three jump in and save obama just in time.
after he is back on his feet he thanks them and asks if there is anything they want ........
the first kid says he wants a fully loaded mustang. obama says " done .... but i think you sold yourself short kid. i'm the president, you could have asked for more"
the second kids thinks and says he would like to go to MIT but he is too far down on the list. obama says " no problem ..... i'll make a couple phone calls and get you hooked up"
the third kid says "i need a 24 hour home nurse, one of those wheelchairs that steers by how you breath into it, an iron lung, and free physical therapy."
the president looks puzzled and say " kid, you are only 17. what do you need all that stuff for? you look healthy"
the kid looks him in the eye and says "when my dad finds out i saved you from drowning i will need all that stuff and more"
Subject: Annual Dementia Test
THIS IS JUST A TEST
Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions
Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the
brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep
mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may
think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are
so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and
begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt
yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain
is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a
pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a
green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still
reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in
Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer:
Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
THIS IS JUST A TEST
Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions
Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the
brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep
mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may
think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are
so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and
begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt
yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain
is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a
pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a
green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still
reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in
Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer:
Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
I was going to make a gay joke.......butt fuck it.
D
draco
the old man sitting a chair watching tv and his wife comes bounding into the room wearing only a teddy.
she says ,"It's Superpussy!"
he says, I'll take the soup.
she says ,"It's Superpussy!"
he says, I'll take the soup.
