The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Rolando Mota]

On their 40th anniversary, an elderly couple decides to recreate their first date. They eat at the same restaurant, drink the same champagne, then go to the same hotel at the end of the night.
But when she pulls up her skirt he starts to cry. "What's the matter?"
"The first time we were here I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"

 

[Rolando Mota]

Ok, I'll stop after this one.

I heard the pope had a meeting the other day.
He decided that if Michael Jackson rapes another little boy he'll have to make him a priest!

 

[mrwags]

Life is Funny Sometimes

Life is Funny Sometimes

Older women whose husband had passed away a few years earlier decided it was time to quit being a hermit and take a trip to get away for a while. She was a major cat lover and was able to get her sister to watch over her 23 cats. A few days later she found herself on a Key West beach watching the sun set and listening to the glorious sound of the waves crashing in but in her heart she missed her cats.

An hour or so later a nice looking gentleman walked by and she saw a book in his bag called Training your Cats. She then looked up at the gentleman and said "do you like pussy cats" in an instant this young viral man swooped her up off of her feet gave her a long passionate kiss and made mad passionate love to her for the next hour and a half.

When they were finished she looked over at him and said “how in the world young man did you know that is exactly what I needed”? He looked at her and said “well lady I’ll tell ya but first you gotta tell me how you knew my first name is Cats.”


Mr.Wags

 

[chuckyoufarley]

that was a good one zepp
rolando mota very funny all of em

 

[chuckyoufarley]

how do you stop the neighbors kids from cutting through your yard
ya molest one

 

[rockymtnbuds]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster
was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to,
Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without
looking up,
"and I've just buried him." "

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

[chuckyoufarley]

hahahahahaha ROFLMAO

 

[BigToke]

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend ' s house for a play date.
" Mommy, " the little girl asks, " how old are you? "

" Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, "
the mother warns. " It is not polite. "

" Ok, " the little girl says. " How much do you weigh? "

" Now really, " the mother says, " these are personal
questions, and really none of your business. "

Undaunted, the little girl asks, " Why did you and
daddy get a divorce? "

" That is enough questions, honestly! " The exasperated mother
walks away as the two friends begin to play.

" My Mom wouldn ' t tell me anything, " the little girl
says to her friend.

" Well, " said the friend, " all you need to do is look
at her drivers license.
It is like a report card - it has everything on it. "
Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, " I know how old you are. You are 32. "

The mother is surprised and asks, " How did you find
that out? "

" I also know that you weigh 140 pounds. " The mother
is past surprise and shocked now.

" How in heaven ' s name did you find that out? "
" And, " the little girl says triumphantly, " I know
why you and daddy got a divorce. "

" Oh really? " the mother asks. " And why ' s that? "

" Because you got an F in sex. "

 

[HashOil]

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"?

"Yes I do", the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?"

"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?"

"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says.

"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

"Well you tell me buddy!"

 

[HashOil]

Read this stuff without stopping.

Read this stuff without stopping.

Read this stuff without stopping.

Im ripped right now and i just farted, you know that was yesterday at my friend franks house in front of his mom. So i was smoking and then his mom was high too, so she said guys... you guys want me to roll me a joint right now?... we're like hell yeah man..its all good its all good. Choking with no dope floating with no cheese. you know it all goes out there. so stop asking that question.do as i ask please not tomorrow do it now do it proud. unbutton your blouse we're gonna play cat and mouse.yo yo dippy yo my name is Sam Stan over my dead bodies everywhere i am at the house . so you know what he said... he said why did we go through all this I just wanted some bacon.

 

[Guest]

There are 3 buddy's sitting on the couch , smoking some herb

1 buddy ask's , what is man's best friend , the 2nd buddy replies a dog
the 3rd buddy replies books

the 1st buddy then say's , well actually i was thinking , how about a dog carrying books

 

[Guest]

There are 3 buddy's that managed to save there cash & go on a trip to the Alps

they arrived too there mountain cottage house , with a fireplace , wood stove they had just got back from doing some activities outside

as there were sitting in there warm mountain cottage house , smoking some herb .. 1st buddy looks out the window & says , hey man , some-one stole the Snow Man

his other 2 buddy's say .. no man !! we brought him inside so the brother would'nt be cold

 

[Guest]

The rastafarian and the Leper : are 2 medical cannabis user's , and they both got busted with there crop's , they each got life in prison

but because they are medical user's they were allowed to keep 10 kilos

one day as they were sitting and smokin some weed , and feeling really high the leper went to wash his face to wake up .. ,, ahhh shit !! he say's too the rastafarian look my eye fell out

the rastafarian then says to him , cool mannn , dont worry be happy mannn !!

what do you mean the leper say's , iam falling apart here , and throw's his eye out of the window

after awile of getting really stoned again , the leper start's picking his nose .. ahhh shit !! he says to the rastafarian , look my nose fell off

cool mannn , dont worry be happy mannn ,, the rastafarian say's to the leper

what do you mean the leper say's to him , cant you see what is happening to me ! and the leper throws his eye out of the window

after awile again the leper sit's down to roll a joint ,, ahhh shit he say's , look my fingers fell off !!

cool mannn , dont worry be happy mannn !! the rastafarian say's to the leper

hey man , you dont care about anything , but getting stoned all the time !! , iam falling apart here , and you are making fun of me the leper say's and throws his fingers' out of the window

the rastafarian then say's to the leper

iam not making fun of you mannn! , dont you see mannn !! , that soon you will be out of here !!

peace

 

[Guest]

lol

lol

here goes
Mickey Mouse wants a divorce from Minnie and the case has gone to court,,
the judge says to micky "i am considering throwing out your divorce application,i cant find no evidence to support your claim that Minnies losing her mind "
Mickey replied" but i said she was fucking goofy!"

 

[strain_searcher]

Arnold is Govenor of cali

 

[BuzzBob]

Arnold is Govenor of cali

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.... Best one yet!!!

:wink:

 

[Guest]

FarmerJohn

 

[Guest]

billy bob and ray bob

billy bob and ray bob

billy bob and ray bob were hunting in the woods and billy bob ask ray bob "what was the second worse thing in the world that had ever happened to him"...ray bob said....." well me and my friends were hunting in these very woods and I went over yonder and squatted down to use the bathroom and when I did my love machine fell into a bear trap"....billy bob said....chit if that was the second worse thing in the world then what the hell is the worse thing in the world that had ever happend to him? ray bob said with out a flinch of the eye...." when I got up to run and came to the end of the chain" :wink:

 

[Guest]

What's the diff. between Thief and a Peeping Tom?
a Thief snatches Watches.....

What do you get when you cross a donkey with a Onion ?
a Piece off ass that will bring tears to your eyes.......


Bush's Grad Day......

 

[Roaddog]

OK

The monkey and the lizard

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey " Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks, "Whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Holy sh-- ....how much water did you drink?!!"