G
Guest
That's wrong chuck!
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That's wrong chuck!
well not quite a joke but here goes
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
G
Guest
My own joke............
how do ya know when a Phat chick is to phat to feck?
when ya slide er draws down to the knees and er cooter is still in um..........hahahahahahahahahaha
CBF
how do ya know when a Phat chick is to phat to feck?
when ya slide er draws down to the knees and er cooter is still in um..........hahahahahahahahahaha
CBF
R
rule35sub1
A stoner sees a crowd in the street and has a look to see what is going on. There was an accident and a few bodies lying on the ground. As he walks by he sees someone's head sitting there and says "I think I know that guy." A cop let's him through to take a better look. The stoner walks over and picks up the guy's head. The cop asks him if he knows the guy. He says "I thought I did, but the guy I am thinking about is taller."
what do you call a guy in a suit carrying a brief case hanging in a tree
a branch manager
a branch manager
just some thoughts
just some thoughts
> The Constitution ... They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
>Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
>smart guys. It worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
>Toilet Seat ... It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was
>invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later
>modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
>
> Ten Commandments ... The real reason that we can't have the Ten
>Commandments in a courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou
>Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
>lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
>
> Zero Gravity ... When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
>quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To
>combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
>developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any
>surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
>over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
>paying them.
just some thoughts
> The Constitution ... They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
>Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
>smart guys. It worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
>Toilet Seat ... It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was
>invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later
>modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
>
> Ten Commandments ... The real reason that we can't have the Ten
>Commandments in a courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou
>Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
>lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
>
> Zero Gravity ... When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
>quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To
>combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
>developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any
>surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
>over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
>paying them.
G
Guest
A man walks in to his phyc Dr.s office & srceams "I am so tired of feeling small / the Dr. pauses........& turns to him & says "please..... you will just have to be a little patient /
told to me by my 6 year old boy
told to me by my 6 year old boy
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time, I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*%@ING PORRIDGE YET !!"
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time, I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*%@ING PORRIDGE YET !!"
You Cannot Get Old By Being A Fool
You Cannot Get Old By Being A Fool
A daddy bull and a baby bull were standing on top of a hill looking down upon a valley of female cows. Baby bull looks over at daddy bull and says"Hey dad lets run down in the valley and *uck one of those cows". Daddy bull looks over proudly and says "No son lets Walk down and *uck them all".
Mr.Wags
You Cannot Get Old By Being A Fool
A daddy bull and a baby bull were standing on top of a hill looking down upon a valley of female cows. Baby bull looks over at daddy bull and says"Hey dad lets run down in the valley and *uck one of those cows". Daddy bull looks over proudly and says "No son lets Walk down and *uck them all".
Mr.Wags
pistillwhipped
Member
LOL -----------> MrWaggs (an his joke 
gwfh1974
Active member
not really a joke
not really a joke
Hey there guys 
this is one of the funniest stories I have ever read
The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend.
The
particular talent of removing unwanted hair has always eluded me. All
methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal.
The
Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, Nair, the EpilStop, and now
....
The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for myself and watched TV for a while. I then had the
thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple of hours: "maybe
I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of
those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
clear
strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever)
and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the
background. No muss, no fuss...
How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm
mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. At least
you'd think so. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips
facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm
guessing). I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to
ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me). I lay
the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward
body
hair and smooth skin extraordinary!
With my next wax strip, I move north. I sneak into the bathroom for The
Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
across
the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long
strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.....RRRIIIIPPP!!!! God I'm blind! Blind
from the pain! Vision slowly returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off
half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath....another RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?
OK...Ok...coming back to normal again.
I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much
agony.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the
wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could
the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot
still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the
strip. I touch; I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and
silently shout "nooooooo!!" Only then so I realize I have just begun
living
my own personal version of The Tar Baby.
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -
up
until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know
I
need to move, to do something,...anything. So I put my foot down on the
floor, and then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? .... Sealed shut.
Ass? ...... Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime
soon.
our head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I
should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub in scalding hot
water (Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax).
So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend because she once dropped
out
of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get
wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and
whohoo are stuck to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick, although she does her best to suppress her
laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on my ass, "Are we
talking cheekor hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the
giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where
the
wax actually is. You know that if we were working the help line at XXX
Wax
Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put
them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're
going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the
truth.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
covering
them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry
shaving
the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other
subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion
provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming
"It's working! It's working!"
I get hearty congratulations from my friend and we hang up. I
successfully
remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still
there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back
in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come
in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
:friends: :friends:
not really a joke
Hey there guys this is one of the funniest stories I have ever read
The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend.
The
particular talent of removing unwanted hair has always eluded me. All
methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal.
The
Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, Nair, the EpilStop, and now
....
The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for myself and watched TV for a while. I then had the
thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple of hours: "maybe
I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of
those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
clear
strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever)
and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the
background. No muss, no fuss...
How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm
mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. At least
you'd think so. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips
facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm
guessing). I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to
ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me). I lay
the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward
body
hair and smooth skin extraordinary!
With my next wax strip, I move north. I sneak into the bathroom for The
Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
across
the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long
strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.....RRRIIIIPPP!!!! God I'm blind! Blind
from the pain! Vision slowly returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off
half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath....another RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?
OK...Ok...coming back to normal again.
I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much
agony.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the
wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could
the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot
still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the
strip. I touch; I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and
silently shout "nooooooo!!" Only then so I realize I have just begun
living
my own personal version of The Tar Baby.
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -
up
until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know
I
need to move, to do something,...anything. So I put my foot down on the
floor, and then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? .... Sealed shut.
Ass? ...... Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime
soon.
our head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I
should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub in scalding hot
water (Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax).
So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend because she once dropped
out
of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get
wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and
whohoo are stuck to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick, although she does her best to suppress her
laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on my ass, "Are we
talking cheekor hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the
giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where
the
wax actually is. You know that if we were working the help line at XXX
Wax
Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put
them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're
going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the
truth.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
covering
them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry
shaving
the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other
subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion
provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming
"It's working! It's working!"
I get hearty congratulations from my friend and we hang up. I
successfully
remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still
there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back
in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come
in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
:friends:
:friends:
G
Guest
I apologize to all women! This was emailed to me by someone from the right.
Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women:
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun & tell him so, he'll probably let
you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a
backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women:
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun & tell him so, he'll probably let
you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a
backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey Mr. Monkey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, do ya wanna come up and have some"? So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he is going to go and get a drink of water from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him get to the bank of the river, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got so "High" that he fell into the river. The crocodile says he’s got to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "Damnnnnnnnn dude…….how much water did you drink???!!"
Late at night a women awoke to find that her husband was not in bed. She got up and went looking for him. Downstairs she saw the basement door ajar and heard sobbing. She went down the stairs to find her husband in the corner with a gun to his head. " Oh my god, what are you doing?" she said. " Do you remeber 20 years ago when your dad caught us having sex?" "Yes" she replied. "Do you remember when he said we have to get married or he'd put me away for life." "Yes" she replied. "Tonight" he said "I would have been parolled."
Rolando Mota
Active member
What does a gay mortician do after work?
He sucks down a couple of cold ones!!
He sucks down a couple of cold ones!!
Rolando Mota
Active member
Daughter prostitute comes home looking down. Mom asks what's the problem?
Daughter says, "I only did one blowjob and made $20."
Mom replies, "When I was your age I was glad to make $5 on a blowjob."
Then grandma says, "When I was your age I was just glad to have something warm in my stomach!"
Daughter says, "I only did one blowjob and made $20."
Mom replies, "When I was your age I was glad to make $5 on a blowjob."
Then grandma says, "When I was your age I was just glad to have something warm in my stomach!"
