The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stoner4Life]

Jeff, very busy packing for his trip.......

Jeff, very busy packing for his trip.......

Here's another funny one, true story, no joke.
Kids have always been and forever will be the
source of so many bizarre moments in our lives.......


My brother Jeff was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter Jenny was watching him & playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Too distracted to really focus on Jenny yet trying to keep her entertained he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

Jeff went back to packing, looked up again to see Jenny standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face so of course he asked her, 'what's wrong honey?'

To which Jenny replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

 

[Stoner4Life]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Gladice here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

[Stoner4Life]

The TRUTH, the WHOLE truth, & nothing BUT the truth

The TRUTH, the WHOLE truth, & nothing BUT the truth

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the blatant truth being the possible answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Walker, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Davis. I've known you since you were a just little boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes,
I think I know you Mr Davis.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Walker, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Kaplan since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
Mr. Kaplan very well.' The defense attorney wanted to fuckin' die.......

Suddenly the judge instructed both counselors to approach the bench
and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks Mrs. Walker
if she knows me, I'll be sending you both to the electric chair!'

 

[cellardweller]

 

[Endo]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

 

[chuckyoufarley]

i was walking past an empty fenced in lot next to the mental ward and all the patients were chanting 13 13 13 13 13, then i saw 2 holes in the fence so i looked thru them and somebody poked me in the eyes ,then i heard the patients chanting 14 14 14 14 14

 

[cellardweller]

True story.......

Back in the 60s/70s I used to walk to jr high school, this walk took me past a local 'school for the gifted' but more like an asylum as I recall.
One day as I'm walking by I hear a bunch of chanting "13!, 13!, 13!, 13!" coming from the other side of the wooden fence, curiosity gets the best of me and I pick a crooked fence slat to peek through to see what all the rukus was about. Suddenly some s.o.b. pokes me in the eye with a stick, a cheer goes up from inside the fence and the chanting continued....... "14!,14!,14!,14!"

that is all.

 

[chuckyoufarley]

didnt see that 1 sorry for the repeat

 

[southflorida]

jack and jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter....jill came down with two fifty....what a whore

 

[Endo]

that luigi is fucked up!!!

 

[Endo]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

 

[Stoner4Life]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once
again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully.
Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered
to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate bone disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's,
like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency that stupid ideas just seem
smarter to you after you've been toking.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

[Endo]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[buckeye-leaf]

Two co-workers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says. "I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even married any longer."

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

 

[buckeye-leaf]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

 

[drakemo]

A fly ws flying above a river and a fish looked up and said if that fly drops down 6 inches I'll jump up catch it and eat it.

On the bank was a bear. The bear saw the fly and said if that fly drops down 6 inches that fish will jump up to get it...then I'll jump out and catch the fish and eat it.

Above the river was a hunter (who was eating cheese and crackers) who saw the fly and he said if that fly would drop down 6 inches that fish will jump up to catch it ...then the bear will jump out to catch the fish... and then I will shoot the bear.

Behind the hunter was a mouse and he saw the fly and said if that fly drops down 6 inches..that fish will jump up...the bear will jump out...the hunter will drop the cheese when he shoots and I will run up there and eat the cheese.

Behind the mouse was a cat and he saw the fly and said if that fly will drop down 6 inches...the fish will jump up...the bear jump out...the hunter shoots and drops the cheese...the mouse grabs the cheese and I will grab the mouse and eat it.

About that time the fly drops down 6 inches..the fish jumps up...the bear jumps out...BOOM the hunter drops the cheese...the mouse grabs the cheese...the cat jumps at the mouse slips on a slick rock and falls in the river.

The moral to the story you ask.....when the fly drops 6 inches the pussy is going to get wet

 

[mellofello]

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
............
.........
......
...
.
so you can fuck it's mouth while it screams

peace

mello

p.s. please don't hold me to account for my very bad taste

 

[Endo]

oh no... not the dead babie jokes...

whats worse than walking thru a field of dead babies???





getting your toe stuck in an eye socket!

 

[Stoner4Life]

Biker's justice.......

Biker's justice.......

Chopper Bob & his ol' lady Lacey woke up to find out they'd
been burglarized while they were sleeping, the thief had even
gone through the bedroom drawers. They reported the crime
and got a call later that day from the police that the crook had
been caught and confessed. Lacey had just put down the phone
when Bob started heading for the door, "where ya goin'?" she
asked, "down to the cop shop baby, if that thief will teach me
how he managed to sneak in and out of here past you last night
I'm gonna buy him a beer and drop all the fuckin' charges."

 

[Endo]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'