My brother is with the FBI.......
They finally caught him in Pittsburgh
My brother is with the FBI.......
They finally caught him in Pittsburgh
How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
15, You got a PROBLEM with that?!?!?!?
15, You got a PROBLEM with that?!?!?!?
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He
didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet
know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the
mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She
said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a
good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones
and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them
as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?' 'Well,' Timmy
explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess
I'll just have to get used to it!'
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet
know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the
mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She
said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a
good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones
and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them
as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?' 'Well,' Timmy
explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess
I'll just have to get used to it!'
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
A blonde moves to Beverly Hills, hoping to find an acting job. After a couple weeks with no luck, she decides to go around to some of the rich people's houses and see if she can do some odd jobs for them to make a little money. She finally goes to one house, and a guy and his wife come to the door. "Sure, I have a job for you," says the guy, "You can paint my porch. How much money do you want?" The blonde thinks about it and says "I can do it in less than an hour. Twenty bucks!"
The guy says "Fine, there's a gallon can of paint and a brush in the garage, let me know when you're finished." So off she goes to the garage.
The guy's wife says to him "Fred, that wasn't fair, you tricked the poor girl. She doesn't realize the porch runs around the corner all down the west side of the house to the deck. It'll take her the whole day!"
"Too bad!," he says, "Maybe that dumb blonde will learn a lesson."
An hour later, the blonde is at the door again: "All Finished! And I had enough paint to put on a second coat! Oh, and by the way: that's a Ferrari you have there, not a Porsche. Duuhhhhh!"
The guy says "Fine, there's a gallon can of paint and a brush in the garage, let me know when you're finished." So off she goes to the garage.
The guy's wife says to him "Fred, that wasn't fair, you tricked the poor girl. She doesn't realize the porch runs around the corner all down the west side of the house to the deck. It'll take her the whole day!"
"Too bad!," he says, "Maybe that dumb blonde will learn a lesson."
An hour later, the blonde is at the door again: "All Finished! And I had enough paint to put on a second coat! Oh, and by the way: that's a Ferrari you have there, not a Porsche. Duuhhhhh!"
VanillaGueriila
Member
An 85 year old woman is sitting in the waiting room at a doctors office. Finally about what seemed like an hour or 2 she is called back. She explains the doctor that she has and itchy vagina. The doctor tells her "ma'am I think you are talkin about crabs". She says "that is impossible as I am a virgin." He says ok, well perhaps you should get a second opinion then.
A day or two goes by and the old woman finds herseld in yet another waiting room. Eventually she is called back to the office to explain her situation, "doc, I have been suffering from and itchy vagina." The doctors hands her a cream and says, "well, I would assume it is either crabs or dry skin, this should take care of both problems." The 85 year old replies, "Oh doc, thats not necessary, I am a virgin so it cant be crabs, and moisture has never been an issue." The doctor tells her to go see a OBGYN instead of a physician then, as maybe they could help her.
A week goes by and the old women finds herself in the waiting room of a prestigious OBGYN. Needless to say this time there is almost no wait and she is called into the office in under 15 minutes. She explain to the OBGYN "doc, I have been having a terrible itching that doesnt seem to go away". He says, "well it sounds like crabs to me." She explains, "no it cant be you see, I am a virgin."
The doctor then heands her a gown and tells her that he is going to leave the room for a few minutes and they will do an examination when he gets back. The doctor comes back maybe 5-10 minutes later and is ready to go. He has the women lay down on the table and put her legs in the stirrups. He is not down there for than a minute when he says, "Ah-Ha, You are right it is not crabs. Apparently a cherry this old attracts fruit flies."
A day or two goes by and the old woman finds herseld in yet another waiting room. Eventually she is called back to the office to explain her situation, "doc, I have been suffering from and itchy vagina." The doctors hands her a cream and says, "well, I would assume it is either crabs or dry skin, this should take care of both problems." The 85 year old replies, "Oh doc, thats not necessary, I am a virgin so it cant be crabs, and moisture has never been an issue." The doctor tells her to go see a OBGYN instead of a physician then, as maybe they could help her.
A week goes by and the old women finds herself in the waiting room of a prestigious OBGYN. Needless to say this time there is almost no wait and she is called into the office in under 15 minutes. She explain to the OBGYN "doc, I have been having a terrible itching that doesnt seem to go away". He says, "well it sounds like crabs to me." She explains, "no it cant be you see, I am a virgin."
The doctor then heands her a gown and tells her that he is going to leave the room for a few minutes and they will do an examination when he gets back. The doctor comes back maybe 5-10 minutes later and is ready to go. He has the women lay down on the table and put her legs in the stirrups. He is not down there for than a minute when he says, "Ah-Ha, You are right it is not crabs. Apparently a cherry this old attracts fruit flies."
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C
cellardweller
How are pubic hair and parsley alike?
You just push em aside and keep eatin!
You just push em aside and keep eatin!
I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do ( probably nothing ) until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?
Water Displacement #40 . The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts . WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some of the uses
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida 's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in
mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
P. P. S. I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove.
It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned
feeling away and heals with NO scarring
PS, don't know if all above is true though...
Water Displacement #40 . The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts . WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some of the uses
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida 's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in
mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
P. P. S. I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove.
It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned
feeling away and heals with NO scarring
PS, don't know if all above is true though...
A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.
At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”
At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the damn safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your damn head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
WOW!!!buckeye-leaf said:
ROFLMAO
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Catholic Shampoo:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'
There was a freak accident on the highway. Six freaks in a van hit two freaks in a Volkswagen.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say 'Slow Children' have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say 'Slow Children' have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Hello,
thanks for meeting with me, the man said as he sat down at the meeting. Tell us about your new product, he was asked. Well, this is Climax's Amazing Vibrating Dildo. What. Wait a minute, we can't sell a product with a name like that. We don;t mind that it's a sex toy, but the name it too unacceptable. Do you think you can tone it down?, he was asked. You better cut out the Climax too.
30 minutes later the man was asked back in to the room to pitch his new product. After giving it some thought, I have narrowed it down and think the best name for this product should be, The Amazing Magical Wand. So can this magical wand of yours perform magic? No, the man replied, but I can make it disappear.
thanks for meeting with me, the man said as he sat down at the meeting. Tell us about your new product, he was asked. Well, this is Climax's Amazing Vibrating Dildo. What. Wait a minute, we can't sell a product with a name like that. We don;t mind that it's a sex toy, but the name it too unacceptable. Do you think you can tone it down?, he was asked. You better cut out the Climax too.
30 minutes later the man was asked back in to the room to pitch his new product. After giving it some thought, I have narrowed it down and think the best name for this product should be, The Amazing Magical Wand. So can this magical wand of yours perform magic? No, the man replied, but I can make it disappear.
This guy walks into a Sex Toy Shop to buy a new vibrator for hid wife. He thought it would be a funny gag gift. As he was standing at the register, the clerk turns on the PA system and calls for a price check on Climax's Amazing Vibrating Dildo while at the same time, there is a request for a clean up in isle four in the background.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised that it's funnier the The Love Guru. If you can sell bombs at an airport and be funny, it can also be funny to have some kind of clean up in isle four in a Sex Toy Shop.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised that it's funnier the The Love Guru. If you can sell bombs at an airport and be funny, it can also be funny to have some kind of clean up in isle four in a Sex Toy Shop.
