The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Vash]

TOTALLY, POLITICALLY INCORRECT...



TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE



10 - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC



9 - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC



8 - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566



7 - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877



6 - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926



5 - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937



4 - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938



3 - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



2 - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963



And,.....drum roll.......



The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word.................





"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

 

[Endo]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Vash again.

 

[Endo]

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

 

[Endo]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow."
The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with the same results.
The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results.
The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm.
The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get it open.

 

[buckeye-leaf]

hahahahahaha that just made me about spit my gin and tonic

 

[Stoner4Life]

Better Off Minding Your Own Business.......

Better Off Minding Your Own Business.......

True story.......

Back in the 60s/70s I used to walk to jr high school, this walk took me past a local 'school for the gifted' but more like an asylum as I recall.
One day as I'm walking by I hear a bunch of chanting "13!, 13!, 13!, 13!" coming from the other side of the wooden fence, curiosity gets the best of me and I pick a crooked fence slat to peek through to see what all the rukus was about. Suddenly some s.o.b. pokes me in the eye with a stick, a cheer goes up from inside the fence and the chanting continued....... "14!,14!,14!,14!"

 

[Frozenguy]

True story.......

Back in the 60s/70s I used to walk to jr high school, this walk took me past a local 'school for the gifted' but more like an asylum as I recall.
One day as I'm walking by I hear a bunch of chanting "13!, 13!, 13!, 13!" coming from the other side of the wooden fence, curiosity gets the best of me and I pick a crooked fence slat to peek through to see what all the rukus was about. Suddenly some s.o.b. pokes me in the eye with a stick, a cheer goes up from inside the fence and the chanting continued....... "14!,14!,14!,14!"

BWAHAHAHAHA

Funny though Your eye ok? cause it's not funny if it's damaged..

 

[Endo]

its all fun and games till' someone loses an eye, then its fun and game you just cant see!

 

[Stoner4Life]

its all fun and games till' someone loses an eye, then its fun and game you just cant see!

I walked away muttering/swearing' "fucking retard!" But as
politically incorrect as that might sound I was referring to me.......


btw, how do you know when you're having too much fun?
when somebody winds up getting hurt.

 

[Endo]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license

 

[DopinderBhong]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye dear.

Bump!

 

[Endo]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

 

[Vash]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!



Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!'



He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'



'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'



'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'



His son replies, 'Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'

Broken furniture -- $85.26

Hot Breakfast -- $4.20

Red Rose bud -- $3.00

Two Aspirins -- $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.

 

[cellardweller]

where are my posts?

 

[cellardweller]

yo mama so fat she sat on a bag o weed and made hash!

 

[Endo]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

[grumio]

Two blondes are walking down the street & the first one sees a makeup compact lying on the sidewalk, picks it up & opens it - "Omigod, this person looks rilly familiar!" Her friend rolls her eyes & says "Let me look," takes the compact from the first blonde & looks at it: "Well, no shit, dumbass, it's me!"

...

So the same blonde is going to see her friend again, & sees her kneeling behind her car, apparently blowing into the exhaust pipe! She watches her for a minute, & says, "Um, like, what are you doeen?"

"Well, there was that hailstorm yesterday? & my car got caught out in it, & got all like dented? So I took it to the garage today, & the mechanic was like rilly cool, & he told me that I didn't need to take it to the body shop, that I could just blow into the exhaust pipe & the dents would like pop out, but it's not workeen!!!

Her friend looks at her with pity for a second, & says,

"Well duhhh, you have to roll up the windows first!"

...

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can understand them.

 

[cellardweller]

what do ya call a deer w/ no eyes & no legs?
still no i-deer?

 

[cellardweller]

what do ya call a deer w/ no eyes no legs and no dick?
still no fucken i-deer

 

[cellardweller]

sorry bout the language....