weaponmaster15
Member
O.k. good ones everyone but here is mine
Why do gay guys hate taco bell?
Because they can't think outside the bun
Why do gay guys hate taco bell?
Because they can't think outside the bun
One customer is kissing a blow up doll. It pops. The man looks around to see if anyone is watching. He then tries to put the blow up doll back on the rack. The doll falls off and he tries again. He succeeds and the racket falls over.
The next customer is having an argument over how much money she spends and that the rent is over due with a blow up doll, as we move on to customer 3, the argument changes to a plea for forgiveness. Customer 3 is telling the blow up doll how fine she looks. Customer 4 is riding a blow up doll like a horse, he yells out, Yee Haw.
The next customer is having an argument over how much money she spends and that the rent is over due with a blow up doll, as we move on to customer 3, the argument changes to a plea for forgiveness. Customer 3 is telling the blow up doll how fine she looks. Customer 4 is riding a blow up doll like a horse, he yells out, Yee Haw.
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K
kallenavndk
This is no joke its happen irl....
Once i went out for a walk when i spotted this old and ugly laddie, her face was so ugly and old that u wont bellive me and then she lookt at me an said " Im a 89 year old wich and if u have sex whit me i will give u a wish" after a littel while whit thinkin i agreed to have sex whit this nasty looking oldtimer.
every time i gave her a pump the zits blow and yellow stuff run out from the zits that she have all over her old ugly body.
After 2-3 min i was done
"Now i want my wish" i said
"how old are u boy " she said
"im 26 years old but........"
"Then u are too old to belive on witches"
Once i went out for a walk when i spotted this old and ugly laddie, her face was so ugly and old that u wont bellive me and then she lookt at me an said " Im a 89 year old wich and if u have sex whit me i will give u a wish" after a littel while whit thinkin i agreed to have sex whit this nasty looking oldtimer.
every time i gave her a pump the zits blow and yellow stuff run out from the zits that she have all over her old ugly body.
After 2-3 min i was done
"Now i want my wish" i said
"how old are u boy " she said
"im 26 years old but........"
"Then u are too old to belive on witches"
K
kallenavndk
"Mr officer?"
"Yes my son?"
"Can i call a officer for a pig?"
"no then u go to jail"
"can i call a pig mr. officer?"
"i see no probs in that"
"ok Mr. officer"
"Yes my son?"
"Can i call a officer for a pig?"
"no then u go to jail"
"can i call a pig mr. officer?"
"i see no probs in that"
"ok Mr. officer"
K
kallenavndk
when is it time to change your Lolita doll?
When she is turning the white out of her eyes
When she is turning the white out of her eyes
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kallenavndk
Can a fish get thirsty?
Thanks, I have no desire to be famous. Nor do I have the talent to make something like this come to life.
It's kind of silly. I have an idea that one of the blow up dolls, the customer favorite, develops a slow leak. The regulars mourn of the loss as she was the only one who listened and understood. The group decide to see that Candy, The Blow Up Doll, gets a proper funeral and they head out in to the street to raise 10,000.00 to pay for expenses. In the meantime, the Sex Toy Shop is about to go out of business because of an up and coming vote in City Counsel.
The boys manage to raise enough money to bury the doll, and choose to do so instead of paying the town counsel a bribe. The funeral brings awareness and the sex shop is saved. Candy was a motivating force that helped keep several couples together and everyone lived happily ever after.
And then the movie starts....
It's kind of silly. I have an idea that one of the blow up dolls, the customer favorite, develops a slow leak. The regulars mourn of the loss as she was the only one who listened and understood. The group decide to see that Candy, The Blow Up Doll, gets a proper funeral and they head out in to the street to raise 10,000.00 to pay for expenses. In the meantime, the Sex Toy Shop is about to go out of business because of an up and coming vote in City Counsel.
The boys manage to raise enough money to bury the doll, and choose to do so instead of paying the town counsel a bribe. The funeral brings awareness and the sex shop is saved. Candy was a motivating force that helped keep several couples together and everyone lived happily ever after.
And then the movie starts....
facelift im kinda lost.... they made a movie about a guy who buys a sex doll and thinks its real, and the whole town pitches in to help this kid out by humoring him and treating the doll like a real person... its called Lars and the real girl. or something like that.... anyways
````
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
````
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
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might be a repeat. one of my favorites though:
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'
Toilet Walls Graffiti:
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts .
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
--Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign , IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
--Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia .
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
-- The Irish Times, Washington , D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana .
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina .
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona .
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana .
God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York , New York .
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts .
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
--Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign , IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
--Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia .
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
-- The Irish Times, Washington , D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana .
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina .
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona .
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana .
God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York , New York .
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".
I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".
I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A small medium at large.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local female police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if you'd told me that you were a police officer we could have avoided all of this."
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if you'd told me that you were a police officer we could have avoided all of this."
A client of a hospital where they performed brain transplantations asked about the prices of various brains.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? Why so much for a cops brain?"
The doctor replied, "Well you see, it's totally unused."
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? Why so much for a cops brain?"
The doctor replied, "Well you see, it's totally unused."
Bubba and Ray (Civil Engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,'
said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a Tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and
she gives us the length!'
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,'
said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a Tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and
she gives us the length!'
bongorilla
Member
What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anyth ing more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anyth ing more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
LA's Finest.......
LA's Finest.......
LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out
of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating a Police Officer."
LA's Finest.......
LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out
of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating a Police Officer."
A murder had been committed.
Police are called to a country club and find a man standing,
holding a 9 iron in his hands & looking at the lifeless body of
a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes it is."
"Did you hit her with that 9 iron?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob
and drops the club then puts his hands over his face.
"How many times did you hit her?" Asks the detective.
"I'm not sure, five maybe six....... put me down for a five."
Police are called to a country club and find a man standing,
holding a 9 iron in his hands & looking at the lifeless body of
a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes it is."
"Did you hit her with that 9 iron?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob
and drops the club then puts his hands over his face.
"How many times did you hit her?" Asks the detective.
"I'm not sure, five maybe six....... put me down for a five."
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