The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[trichrider]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on
his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, " Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."


She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and
begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a
tetanus shot!"

 

[Weezard]

T-riffic!

Men without hats, die with their boots on.

Mahalo!

 

[TNTBudSticker]

Q; If a million lesbians joined the million man march,what would you have?


A; Two million people who don't do dick!

 

[BornToBeWild]

A guy walks into the toy store to get his daughter a Barbie for her Birthday, he asks a woman what kind they have. Lady replies " we have Bikini Barbie she is $19.99, Military Barbie $19.99, and the Divorced Barbie and she is $99.99". Confused the guy asks why the hell Divorced Barbie costs so much. Lady replies "well Divorced Barbie comes with Kens house, car, motorcycle and boat!"

 

[trichrider]

A blind man was flying in a small plane when his brother, the pilot, suddenlyclutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio & figuring out how to operate it, the blindman called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearbyairport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this planeis dead and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered, "I understand that the pilot is deadand you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know you are flying upsidedown?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!"

 

[Rob547]

Two sperm are swimming along. One says "Hey, how far to the uterus?" The other says "Uterus? We haven't even hit the esophagus!

 

[longearedfriend]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to BornToBeWild again


-

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples.

The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face.

He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in.

He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing?
You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it.

I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[longearedfriend]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

[trichrider]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came
back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot
in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She
shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories, don't you?

 

[BornToBeWild]

Little girl was sitting on her moms lap talking about the Bible, mom asks "what part of your body enters Heaven first?". Little girl says "Your legs because when you was at work daddy's friend came over, and she had her legs up and said Oooooooh God I'm coming!!!".......He hasn't been seen since.

 

[Stoner4Life]

if it's one thing we do in life it's repeat jokes, sometimes often, in that regard I'm going to repeat one or two of my favorites along the way hoping you'll get a few more chuckles out of it or in the case it finds a few new members here.



Little Johnny went up to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked , 'Would you sleepwith Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat , are you nuts?!!'

Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?' Little Johnny replied,
'Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.........
but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag.

 

[Stoner4Life]

Cop: "Hey! boy!! your eyes sure look red, you been drinking?"
Me: "No sir, but your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[trichrider]

A FARMER DECIDED
HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

 

[TNTBudSticker]

When someone says "Get a pair of Pliers".... You're Actually getting One.

"Put on a pair of UnderWear". You put One on...Not two.

 

[trichrider]

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

 

[trichrider]

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

 

[Stoner4Life]

A man was recently flying to New York when decided
to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great cop joke, would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK, I'll tell it really slow......."

 

[Stoner4Life]

During a general assembly of new recruits a lieutenant was explaining the way the time of day would be referred to by each branch of the armed forces:

"For all of you now in the Army 6am will be O-600..."
"For all of you in the Navy 6am will be 12 Bells..."
"And for all of you in the Marines 6am means the big hand will be on the 12 and the little hand on the 6......."

 

[Snagglepuss]

A friend is telling another friend....Your not gonna believe this

I just took skydiving lessons,we got up in the plane .And the instructor told me i had to have sex with him.Or he was going to make me jump without a parachute..

The other friend asks.."well did you jump?"

..........At first.............

 

[trichrider]

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."


He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."