The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[JJScorpio]

A man went to the hospital in
Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...

3) Knowing your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough Call. You Decide.

 

[h^2 O]

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

 

[spookyteabag]

Two stoners sitting in a car at the traffic lights. The lights change..red to green... then green to red... then back again. 'Why don't you go?' says the passenger. 'They're changing too fast...' says the driver.

 

[nobull56]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

 

[Payaso]

Holy Shit NoBull - that's a good one!!!

 

[nobull56]

This is the site that 'Endo' started & 'Guest' took over.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

 

[Stoner4Life]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it 's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, a 6-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down, 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was the town pharmacist.'

 

[Endo]

The Taliban and the Jew

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man
at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find
water first! 'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your
f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

 

[pepelepew098]

a boy goes to buy his first pack of condoms, and asks the clerk how much...
the clerk replies, "$1"
the boy says, "i'll take em."
the clerk rings up the sale and says, "that'll be $1.09"
the boy looks at the clerk confused and says, "you said $1, whats the .09 cents for?"
the clerk says, "the .09 cents is for the tax..."
the boy exlaims, "tax!!! i thought you just rolled them on!"

 

[nobull56]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"What the....." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
"Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face.

"B'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin'
way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think
I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages
to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and
says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says,
"I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called...You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

[Vash]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a
patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with
her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone
and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen
is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just
came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her
to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your
sister?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me shit
in here."
>>
>>
>>
>

 

[Endo]

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say Congratulations!!!

But none of them rub your DICK and say Well Done!!!

 

[swampy_nz]

funny email i just got.

Hi team,

Given that Telecom is now a part of the international world economy and our international roaming capability now extends to hundreds of countries including most of Europe we will be following the European Commission's initiative in making Euro-English our preferred written language,

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the English speaking Governments concede that English spelling has some room for improvement and have accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[PkRipper]

Did you hear they finally found what killed Michal Jackson? It was food poisoning, he tried to eat a 10 year old wiener.

I HEARD IT WAS 8 YEAR OLD NUTS....

 

[leafy_ferret]

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis, The bartender goes, pirate you have a steering wheel on your penis, Pirate goes "YARRRR i know its driving me nuts!!!"

 

[h^2 O]

i feel like "you're nearly a laugh but you're really a cry" im so bored and depressed and blah!

 

[nobull56]

THE JOURNEY OF A MAN

THE JOURNEY OF A MAN

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[genkisan]

The Taliban and the Jew

The Taliban and the Jew

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man
at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find
water first! 'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.






'Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!'

 

[sparkjumper]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

 

[-~Wind Walker~-]

That does it.

In my survival kit I am keeping a tie handy just in case I am desperate for water and need a tie to get in the restaurant for a glass of water.

-~WW~-