The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Endo]

Fishing Trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
Dave replied, last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

 

[Endo]

why the fuck to my threads keep getting jacked and replaced with GUEST posters and tread credits? first 3 pages were all me!!! thats bullshit and the link in my siggy no longer works! WHAT THE FUCK!

 

[MrMcBean]

how do you find the bellybutton of a woman?

you simply take your finger and follow the spine from the neck down..

when your finger pops into the third hole you found it..

pretty simply really..

 

[Haps]

Is this the same thread Endo?

 

[Slim Pickens]

why the fuck to my threads keep getting jacked and replaced with GUEST posters and tread credits? first 3 pages were all me!!! thats bullshit and the link in my siggy no longer works! WHAT THE FUCK!

Looks to me like someone tried to merge all the "joke" threads into one...that would explain why your sig link won't work..It would have been nice if you had been notified that your thread had been "modified" tho.I know the mods are busy and all that,still,it would be nice to let folks know what is going on.

 

[nobull56]

We're with you ENDO!

We're with you ENDO!

We're going to hang with you, so hang in there PAL!
& this one is for you!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS Alice SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.THIS BALDING; GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.HE ANSWERED,'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?''YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’ I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED:'WHAT DID YOU Teach

 

[Endo]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

 

[canadiancracker]

Joke of the day

Joke of the day

i would love to hear your best jokes old or new, please keep it light hearted and not too many racist jokes unless you can admit that it is and that you are....

im no joker so ill leave it up to someone funny to start this off..

 

[iGro4Me]

A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I

make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot,

you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Stoner4Life]

What do you call a chinese man with a cat?
(a vegetarian)

What do you call a chinese man with two cats?
(a caterer)

 

[Chunkybuddha]

Funny jokes

Funny jokes

Some jokes to make people laugh. I didn't create them, just found them. Enjoy. And by all means, contribute some funnies too.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
And then the fight started…..
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started….
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…

 

[Endo]

Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

 

[nobull56]

The Worlds Shortest Books:
BLACKS I'VE MET
WHILE YACHTING

By Tiger Woods
________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

By Hillary Clinton ________________________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

By Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE......

By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS

By Bill Clinton with introduction
By the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*********************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi

 

[nobull56]

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.




One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.




As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the waterFloated, of all things, a condom!




When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.




The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.




'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.




'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

 

[CANNACO-OP]

What is the difference between God and Oprah?

A: God doesn't think he/she is Oprah..

 

[Endo]

s an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
________________________________________________________
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Endo]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?

He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.

Where shall I put it to get it warm?

He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

But what about the smell?

Just hold its little nose.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[nobull56]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

[Endo]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

 

[nobull56]

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:


Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.


Question: How come?


Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes
in a French tunnel, driving a German car
with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles; treated
by an American doctor, using Brazilian
medicines.

This is sent to you by a Filipino, using
American Bill Gates's technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant, transported
by Indian truck drivers, hijacked
by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .
.
.
.
.
.

That, my friends, is Globalization.