The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[NOKUY]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a Blunt in one hand and a half empty bottle of Scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

 

[HippyNextDoor]

A Guy goes to his doctor and says"Doc my dick has turned orange" sure enough the doc has a look and prescribes some meds for him to take.2 weeks later the guy returns and says the pills didn't work.his dick is still orange....Puzzled the Doc asks the man,"what do you do in your spare time?"The man replies"not much, just sit around ,watch pornos and eat cheezies"

 

[Guest]

Two cops out on patrol, one cop says to the other," man what the hell is wrong with you today? You seem distant!" " My wife... She says She wants a divorce!"
says the partner. "Oh man thats to bad! Did she say why?" " Yeah She said that I did nt satisfy Her sexually!"
"Damn man thats terrible! What did you say?"
" I asked Her, how She could tell in 2 mins!"

 

[NserUame]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

 

[Tokabowl]

VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE

VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE

His dizzy aunt-------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes-----Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store----------------Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois --------Chica Gogh

His magician uncle---------Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin--------------Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother-----------------------Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach------Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle--------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt------------------ Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst-------------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin---------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking-------- Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco----------------- ---Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van (you guessed
it!)------------------------------------------------------------------------WinnieBay
Gogh

And there ya Gogh

 

[Tokabowl]

 

[Guest]

Q: what do you say to a bitch with 2 black eyes?



A: nothing, you already told her twice

 

[Tokabowl]

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde
sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach
since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm a
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the blonde asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, an I'm not
moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what
he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle
this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[JJScorpio]

A seven year old girl walks out to the garage and asks her father what sex is. The father thinks it over for a minute and he decides to just tell her the truth. He tells her about boys and girls and explains to her how babies are made. He then goes on and tells her about masturbation, anal sex, oral sex, homosexuality and lesbianism. After he is done, the father looks at the little girl and she looks traumatized, so he asks her why she asked him about it? The little girl looks at her father and says "because mom told me to come and tell you dinner would be ready in a couple secs ".........

 

[Guest]

Make me laugh, bitches!

 

[Guest]

Why do Doctors spank the babies when they are born?

Its knocks the dick off the stupid ones.


J/k Ladies...most of you know I'm not a chauvanist. Just clean fun.
Seed

 

[buckeye-leaf]

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

 

[Guest]

A guy sitting at home recieves a phone call from an old friend who had just moved back to town and was up at the local bar.
The guy eager to see his old friend heads up to the bar>
When he gets there he find that his friend is already extremely intoxicated.
He trys to get up when he comes in and falls right on the floor,legs like spagetti, he has to help him back on to his stool!
Never the less the two order up drinks and sit and drink for several hours,
even though the guy could hardly speak he was so drunk. And he couldnt
even walk to the restroom and it was goin right through him!
Well seeing as it was getting late our guy says" come on man i ll give you a
ride" and carries his drunk friend out to his car.
He stands the guy up against the car, fumbling for his keys he lets go of his friend, and he falls to the ground. Very tired at this point our guy struggles
put the drunk in the car and slams the door.
Finially after awhile he finds he buddys house.
Knowing that this guys wife is probably pissed, he carries him up to the door
props him up beside the door, rings the door bell and takes off. As soon as he lets his buddy go he falls hard on his face, he turns around and his wife opens the door.
"Hey maam I m a friend of your husbands. He kinda got alittle drunk and cant
walk to good so I brought him home."
"Oh great" says the wife" wheres his god damn wheelchair?"

 

[GOT_BUD?]

2 blondes walk into a building.

You figure one of them might have seen it.

 

[DimeBag65]

why is there no mexican olympic team?


because all the mexicans that can run, jump or swim are already in the US.




(all jokkes and fun) Dime

 

[cadillachydro]

1. Why do tampons have strings???
So you can floss your teeth after youre done eating.

2. A black baby is given wings by God, the black baby asks "God, does this
mean Im an angel?"
God replies back, "Naw nigga, that means you a bat!"

3. Whats the difference between a fag and a refrigerator???
The refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull out the meat.

4. What do you get when you combine a million lesbians and the million man
march???
2 miliion mother fuckers that dont do dick!

5. What do you call 300 whites chasing a black man???
The PGA Tour.

6. If theres a mexican and a black guy in a car, whos driving???
The cop.

7. What did one gay sperm say to the other?
How are we gonna find an egg in all this shit?

8. Why do black people run so fast?
Because they spend the first 9 months of their lives dodging coat hangers

9. What do you call a gay midget?
A low-blow..

10. George Bush and Dick Cheney are riding in a White House elevator. The vice president starts sniffing conspicuously, then says, "Dubya, did you fart?"

Bush looks up at his boss and says, "No. Was I supposed to?"

 

[tuco]

JEEEEZZZ cadillachydro...and he edited it!!!!!! lol, who says you need a pole to go fishing?!?!

guy walks into a hardware store and asks for a bag of nails. cashier says "will that be eat in or takeaway?"

why did the boy fall off his bike? someone threw a microwave at him!

 

[Tokabowl]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[Tarkus]

Why did Beehthoven sell all his chickens? They just walked around all day saying Bach, Bach, Bach.

A toothless termite walked into a bar and asked "Where is the bar tender?"

What do you call a bunch of cows in a field masturbating? Beef Strokinoff

How do you keep a black kid from jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

Why do you go to a black man's garage sale? To get your stuff back.

Have you heard about the new Volkswagon? Seats 30 Jews. 2 in front, 2 in back, 26 in the ashtray.

What is the difference between a Jew and a pepperoni pizza? A pepperoni pizza doesn't scream.

What are 3 things a Black man can never get? A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into an empty bar. Then a second man enters.

A balck man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head, the bartender asks "Where did ya get that crazy thing?" The parrot responds "I picked it up in Africa somewhere."

Why is the wedding dress white? So the wife can match all the other appliances.

Why are women's feet so short? So they can stand closer to the sink.

*I aint racist or anything, just appreciate a good joke.*

 

[billycw]

a pedophile and a boy are walking though the forrest at night, the boy says "mister i'm scared" the pedophile says "you think your scared, i'm gonna have to walk out of here by myself"

how are girls and spagetti the same? they both wiggle when you eat them.

what the midget say when he walked up to the woman? your hair smells nice

why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? more head room

what do you call 1000 chinese guys holding hands? chin linked fence

a lizards walking though the forrest and he smells weed, he looks up in the tree and there is a monkey smoking a joint. so he climbs up and smokes the joint with the monkey. they finish the first one and the monkey starts to light a second. the lizard says "hold on i need to go to the river to get a drink" the monkey says "all right". so the lizard goes down to the river and begins to drink when a allagator pops up and says "your sure drinking alot of water, what are you stoned" the lizard says "ya theres a monkey in a tree over there smoking joints" so the allagator walks over to the tree and the monkey says "whoa, how much water did you drink?"