The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Guest]

A really hot chick walks into a bar. No one was really in, just the bartender and his buddy!
The girl says, "bartender giver a falstaff!" Well the bartender gives Her the beer,
and say,"hard day?" The girl says,"yeah!" drinks the beer with one gulp, looks at the bartender and passes out cold on the bar!
The 2 guys are just like," what the fuck?" Laughing they carry the girl in the store room and lay Her on a cot in the back. "She can sleep it off here." says the bartender. His buddy was like "man look she aint wearin no panties!"
"Come on!" says the bartender. " Nah man. Look at how fine she is! I havent been layed in forever!" and the guy proceeds to have sex with the girl.
And nowing it was going on the bartender could not resist. The guys finished and went back to the bar, shaking their heads!
A little while later the girl comes out of the back and says," alright guys...
we ll see you later, thanks!"
The next day the guys,are back at the bar shooting the shit. When in walks the girl. " Hey guys! Bartender, give me a Falstaff! I had a bad day!"
The guy gives Her the drink and She drinks it and just as the day before,
passes out on the bar! Face first! Stuned but please the 2 take the girl in the back and have sex with Her several times! When they were done the guys went back out to the bar. A little while later the girl comes out. " Thanks guys, see ya!"
Well believe it or not on the very next day the same thing happened> The girl comes in goes up to the bar. And the bartender says, " Dont tell me...you want a Falstaff!"
" No not today...that Falstaff makes my pussy hurt."

 

[Guest]

Please no racial jokes! Post that shit at KKK.com


Willie!

 

[Guest]

2 dumb red necks were fishin on pond in a boat.
All of the sudden the motor falls off the boat and sinks.
One of the red necks pull off his shirt and jumps in.
Hes down a while and all of the sudden he comes up,
holding the motor and frantically trying to crank it under water.

"no you dumb son of of bitch!" says the other red neck.

"Hold the choke"

 

[Pops]

Two Kentucky rednecks decided to get in the produce business. They bought a truck and drove up to Indiana and bought a whole truckload of watermelons for 50 cents each. they then drove back home and sold the melons for 2/$1.00. After they got done the 1st redneck counted the money and told his partner that they hadn't made any money. The 2nd redneck said" I told you we needed a bigger truck!"

 

[mrwags]

A 14 year old girl walks into a barber shop eating on a twinkie. Fred the barber has cut the family's hair for years and once he completes his last customer he cleans the seat and welcomes her to the chair. "Hows the family?" he asked "oh they are doing fine Fred moms surgery went very well." After a bit Fred speaks up and says "Suzy I can't help but notice your getting a little hair on your twinkie." Suzy looks up smiles and says "I know it Fred and I'm starting to grow boobies to."




Mr.Wags

 

[KingRalph]

so a lil kid is takin a walk before thanksgivin dinner and comes across a couple arguing as the guy yells at his girlfriend "shutup you bitch!" to which the curious child asks them "what's a bitch?" flustered, the couple realizing the kid say "oh just another word for lady!" so the kid walks away. as the kid is walkin home the couple's still fighting and the girlfriends slaps the guy in the face and runs off screaming "you bastard!" the child curious still asks the guy what a bastard is and he downplays again "oh just another word for 'gentleman'!" as the kid gets home and goes upstairs to find their father shaving in the bathroom and he cuts himself and yelps "ah shit!" and is startled to see the young child who heard and ask "daddy what does 'shit' mean?" that the father excuses to "oh just another word for shaving, now go see you mother" so the kid goes downstairs to where their mother is carving the turkey and cuts herself screaming "FUCK!" the kid asks "mommy what does 'fuck' mean?" to which the shocked mother replies "oh just another word for carving!"... well the doorbell rings and the youngin answers the door where their aunt n uncle n grandparents have arrived, happily surprised the young child says "Hi all you Bitches n Bastards! Dad's upstairs shitting in the bathroom and Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

ba-dum-chaaa

 

[SneakySneaky]

What does Tickle Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory?

Two test-tickles lol

 

[mrwags]

Good One King!



LMAO
Mr.Wags

 

[billycw]

what do you call a midget psychic thats wanted by police? a small medium at large

 

[Guest]

A 14 year old girl walks into a barber shop eating on a twinkie. Fred the barber has cut the family's hair for years and once he completes his last customer he cleans the seat and welcomes her to the chair. "Hows the family?" he asked "oh they are doing fine Fred moms surgery went very well." After a bit Fred speaks up and says "Suzy I can't help but notice your getting a little hair on your twinkie." Suzy looks up smiles and says "I know it Fred and I'm starting to grow boobies to."




Mr.Wags

i cracked a rib. ty. bd

 

[cadillachydro]

Whats the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce???
Nothing... either way youre gonna lose the trailer.

 

[fr33th3w33d]

a guy is walking down the street and sees a sign above a bar that says "make my horse laugh and you'll get 100 dollars" so the guy comes in, talks to the bartender and asks if he can try. the guy goes in and after a minute he walks out and the horse is laughing his ass off. the bartender asks how he did it and the guy wouldn't tell him. the bartender gives him the money and he leaves. the next week the guy is walking down the same street and sees a sign above the bar that says "make my horse stop laughing and i'll give you 500 dollars". the guy comes in and the bartender told him the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so the guy walks in the room with the horse and comes out after a minute, the horse has stopped laughing. the bartender tells the guy that he will give the man the $500 but he has to tell him how he got the horse to stop laughing. the guy says "the first time i told him i had a bigger dick than him, the second time, i proved it.."

 

[subrob]

knock-knock.


whos there?


go fuck yourself!

please tell me someone in the world besides me thinks this is hilarious!!!!

 

[Sleepy]

got this in the e-mail...

got this in the e-mail...

Peter Kay’s Theories....

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ''Guess'' on it. I said, Thyroid
problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on
with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said: ''Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me,'' and it worked! From then on it was sticks and
stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire,'' which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d
better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
''Are you going to help?'' I said ''No, Six should be enough.''

9) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Peter Kay’s questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand
up and say, ''My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic''?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that ''has trickled through mountains for centuries''
have a ''use by'' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp that no one would eat?

9. Is ''French kissing'' in France just called ''kissing''?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ''I think I’ll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?''

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a ''Broker''?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are "over a billion stars in
the universe," you believe them, but if they tell you "watch out this is wet
paint," you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?


Peter Kay’s Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80''s has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire
in your back garden.

8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through
and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your
hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows where the metal coat hangers in their cupboards were first obtained from, or has any memory of buying them.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm
broken by a swan.

19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug.

20) People who don’t drive, slam car doors too hard.

21) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.

hehehe

 

[Pops]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2.Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a litle like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3.OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.. does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths"
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the christian faith
c. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at Hooters

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland calles Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to start with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but the person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[vonforne]

A catholic priest and a jewish rabi are sitting on the street corner. Just then a little 13 year old boy comes walking down the street. The catholic priest turns to the jewish rabi and says....lets take him inside and screw him. the rabi turns and says ..."out of what?"

 

[Guest]

Ha Ha Ha!

Ha Ha Ha!

Two American friends on vaction in Mexico, are not sure what the time was...looking around for someone, one of the guys sees an old guy sitting next to a donkey and runs over to ask Him if He knows what time it is, the old man reaches over and grabs the donkey by the balls, lifts um up with a squeeze, turns to the American and says " it is 11:53 am". The guy baffled says thanks and goes back to His friend, He sees a lady with a watch and asks Her the time," 11:53 am" She replies. The guy stuned, tells His friend that the old man can tell time by feeling that donkeys balls! In disbelief the two walk over to the old man to ask how He does it? The old man looks up and smiles,


" I grab my donkey just like this and I lift up His balls... and you see that clock over at the gas station? That it where I get this time from."

 

[Guest]

Where does virgin wool come from?



Ugly sheep.


Thank you, thank you very much,
Seed

 

[Guest]

I went fishin the other day and didnt catch shit!
But just down the river on the other side, there was an old lady... and she was catchin a mess!
So today I went back to the river but I went too where the old lady had been the day before...no luck, not a nibble!
But I noticed up the river on the other side, that old lady was in the same spot I was in the other day and she had a mess!
I couldnt believe it, so I went over to talk to Her.
I said "your quite the angler, how do you decide wher your gonna fish each day?
She said "well baby, every mornin whens eyes wakes up, eyes pull down the covers on mys husband and which ever ways his penis is a layin... if it is a on the right eyes fishes on the right. If its on the left eyes fishes on the left!
I said " OH, Well what if...you know...if Hes...you know stickin straight up?"
She said laughing..." Baby, eyes dont fish dat day!

 

[Guest]

An American, a Japanese and Mexican are chilling at a restaurant during a convention in the city. While they're waiting for their food they hear a beep and the American puts his finger to his ear and nods. "I just received a voicemail in my new invisible earpiece from corporate." So they continue talking and this time the Japanese guy receives a call and starts talking into his hand "I just got a call to my cell phone built into my forearm." The Mexican at this point is astounded and goes to the bathroom. When he returns, his pants are around his knees and a piece of toilet paper stuck out his ass "Hi guys, I just received a fax".