The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[OXOSSI]

War Hero

War Hero

A women fought in the war and was wounded 3 times and proclaimed a war hero. She had 3 kids - 2 girls and a boy. When the oldest girl reached puberty, one day she comes to the mom and says - Mommy, someting strange had happenned, I went to pee and a bullet came out. Oh, thats perfectly allright my dear. you see I was wounded in the war and the bullet stayed in my body. Soon after the same thing happens with the other daughter. A few months later the teenage son comes screaming and yelling full of tears. Mommy, mommy, I jerked off and I killed granma!

 

[zeppelindood]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[Guest]

lol@zepp

 

[elykdogg]

ok, ok i got one

an irish guy walks out of a bar...

 

[skeezo]

...

 

[Sleepy]

i got this one in the e-mail...

i got this one in the e-mail...

hehe
> A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
> After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

> MALE PROCEDURE:

> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> 2. Put down your car window.
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> 6. Put window up.
> 7. Drive off.

***********************************************************
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:

> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
> 8. Insert card.
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
> 11. Enter PIN
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
> 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of checkbook.
> 18. Re-check makeup.
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> 21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> 25. Redial person on cell phone.
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> 27. Release Parking Brake.
>

so why do the drive-up ATM machines have braille instructions??

 

[chuckyoufarley]

there an old man sitting on the bench in the mall and this teenager with his hair all spiked up and all different colors,red, yellow ,blue, green, orange, walks by and the old man staring at him so the kid says what are ya staring at havnt ya ever done anything wild in your life ,the old man looks at him some more and say ,yep i got really drunk 1 nite and had sex with a peacock
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE MY SON

 

[Guest]

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck! He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too

 

[Guest]

So there is 3 midgets.
They want to get into the Guiness Book of Records with the smallest Human hands, feet, and penis.
All 3 of them go to the headquarters of the Guiness records.
The first midget tells the frontdesk secretary...."id like to apply for the worlds smallest hand"...she leads him off to the room and he is measured. Sure enough....he has the smallest hands in the world!
The second midget says" id like to apply for the worlds smallest feet". He too is led off too the room and is measured. Yep....you guessed it...he has the smallest feet in the world!
The third midget says " id like to apply for the smallest penis"....he is then led off to the room where he is measured. After about 10 minutes the other two record winning midgets are getting worried that he might have not made the record.
After walking out of the room with a very confused look on his face the other two ask" well....did you get it"?
he replies "no...but who the hell is George Bush"?

 

[resinryder]

Guy walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and says "Look, I know this is a small hick town and this isn't a gay bar, but I am meeting my 2 brothers here who are also gay. This place is just about half way from all of our homes and the perfect place for us to get together and talk and catch up with each other. Is it ok with you if we meet here? The bartenders says" yeah I don't mind but just know there is a lot of homophobes who hang out here so just be careful of them.
After a while the other 2 brothers come in and they are having a wonderful time catching up on each others lives, jobs, and partners. The bartender has not been ease dropping on their conversations but couldn't help but to overhear and he had to ask
" Look, I know lots of families have a sibling whose gay but you 3 are brothers and all of you are gay which is very unusual. Is there anyone in your family who likes women?"
At this point the brothers look at each other and bust out into laughter. The bartender a little befuddled ask what's so funny and 1 of the brothers say "Yeah, we have a sister who just loves em."

 

[Sleepy]

kinda funny...

kinda funny...

STATE MOTTOS

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

 

[resinryder]

LMAO. Funny stuff Sleepy.

 

[chuckyoufarley]

if you were to cross a bulldog with a shitzu would it be called
BULLSHIT

 

[chuckyoufarley]

Bedroom American Football


An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

 

[Guest]

if ya cannot read it click on it to enlarge

 

[Guvnor]

An irishman catches his young son sniffing some cocaine of their coffee table.

The irishman, in a loud deep voice says- Son, if I ever catch you doing that again im going to rub your fucking nose in it


Guv'nor

 

[Guest]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick,
and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa
went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and
there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

 

[Guest]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing against the top team, without an experienced centre
back.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women, while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the setee and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.

 

[Guest]

A man went to the zoo.


When he got there, there was only a dog.


It was a shitzu.

 

[Guest]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

Here's how one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d!ck," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p!ss out of it," the man replied.