What's new

The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

penguins

penguins

Member
two cows are out grazing, one turns to the other:
"so, Frank, what do you think about all this 'mad cow' talk goin' around?"
to which he replies:
"Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! woowoowooowooo!"


Two muffins are sitting in an oven baking and one says to the other:
"gee, it sure is hot in here huh?"
to which the other replies:
"eek! a talking muffin!"

they're funnier in person i swear...
 
G

Guest

two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?". the other one replies "yes it does".
 
G

Guest

A bear walks into a bar and bites out a huge chunk of the bar. The barman tells the bear to leave because they do not serve bears on drugs. The bear asks the barman" how do you know that i am on drugs? the bar man replies " because of that 'bar bit you ate'.
 
G

Guest

Nice House

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

Ey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work.

The boss says:

You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better real quick and I can go back to work, no problem. You should try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls:

Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, joo got a nice house.

:laughing:
 
G

Guest

Trigger Happy - DEA agent shoots self

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage30_1.html

U have got to watch this :pointlaug - i scaned it -

Video: Cop Shoots Self During Gun Safety Class
Size: 1.75MB

Additional Information: A federal drug agent shot himself in the leg during a gun safety presentation to children and his bosses are investigating.

The Drug Enforcement Administration agent, whose name was not released, was giving a gun safety presentation to about 50 adults and students organized by the Orlando Minority Youth Golf Association, witnesses and police said.

He drew his .40-caliber duty weapon and removed the magazine, according to the police report. Then he pulled back the slide and asked someone in the audience to look inside the gun and confirm it wasn't loaded, the report said.

Witnesses said the gun was pointed at the floor and when he released the slide, one shot fired into the top of his left thigh.

"Everyone was pretty shaken up," Farmer said. "But the point of gun safety hit home. Unfortunately, the agent had to get shot. But after seeing that, my nephew doesn't want to have anything to do with guns."
 
G

Guest

Texas Pet Fish

Texas Pet Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them
swim
'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here
ice
chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
Government Man I'll show you . It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"


The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The redneck said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the redneck.
We in Texas may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we aren't as dumb as most government employees..

:wave:
 
G

Guest

What is the hardest part about roller blading?

Having to tell your parents you're gay
 
G

Guest

just found this one on another site...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
Sleepy

Sleepy

Active member
Veteran
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the
first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful
gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always
put in just $10 worth."


:chin:
 
G

Guest

saw this on comedy central's distraction...give credit where credit is due

saw this on comedy central's distraction...give credit where credit is due

My wife asks me,
"have you been having sex behind my back?"

I say,
"Of course! Who the fuck did you think it was?"

:p
 
babbit

babbit

Member
Heres some hillbilly humor...

Heres some hillbilly humor...

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,

"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
 
OXOSSI

OXOSSI

Member
Zeko

Zeko

A study showed that the longest marrieges occur in Montenegro (a mountanous, machist part of Serbia). A team is sent to investigate. They find a couple thats been married for 60 years and ask the wife how did they manage for so long. The granma answers: My man came down from the mountains to marry me. On the way back we were riding up on his horse Zeko. After some time Zeko stumbles. My man dismounts and says: "Zeko this is your first one" - me quiet. We continue on and an hour later the horse stumbles again "Zeko this is your second one" - I don't say a word. Third time the horse stumbled - my man dismounts and blows the horses' brain out. Me silent! When we arrived to the house, I cooked dinner for my man and asked him:"My husband, why did you kill that poor animal?" - "Woman, this your first one!

:joint:
 
Last edited:
OXOSSI

OXOSSI

Member
hunt

hunt

Two hunters meet and one has a pair of bear pups. Where did you get them? Oh I shot their mom in the hunt, I dont know what to do now. Why dont you take them to the zoo? Good idea! A few hours later they meet again, one still with the pups...I thought you took them to the zoo? yes I did, now we're going to the movies.



John Cleese :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:
 
OXOSSI

OXOSSI

Member
Big Bad Wolf

Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is going through the forest and through the bushes she sees the Big Bad Wolf. "Big Bad Wolf why are your eyes so red?" Go away - can't you see I'm taking a shit!

...alternative ending...."Big Bad Wolf why are your eyes so red?" Go away - lemme finish this joint in peace!
 
OXOSSI

OXOSSI

Member
black humor

black humor

No new jokes...?
Ok, some really dark stuff...

Whats the difference between a truckload of sand and truckload of babies?
U can't unload the truckload of sand with a pitchfork. :bat:

Two guys are lost in the desert, starving. After cralwing for days in the hot sun they come across a corpse with its stomach open and a bunch of vultures chewing the beans from the dead mans guts. One of them runs, chases the vultures away, and quickly gulps down the remaining beans. Shame on you, the other says, better puke that out and maybe God will not punish you. You're right says the first, sticks his finger up his throat and pukes everything. As soon as he finished the second one eats it up - Thanks for warming up my lunch! :bat:

Lets see if I remember another gross one...this one isnt that bad.
A plane crashes in the jungle and the three missionaries are captured by cannibals. They take them to the chief and he tells them...you have 2 options, either we eat you or Unga Bunga. Which do you prefer. Well, Unga Bunga is better than death, I ll go with that. The whole tribe lines up and gives it to him from behind. The second one chooses the same. Third one comes up and says proudly - I prefer to die. Ok, but first some Unga Bunga!
:pointlaug
:smoweed:
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Latest posts

Top