Problems on the home front.....

[TrichyTrichy]

come 'ere

 

[SoylentGreen]

She just texted me that she thinks we should go out to dinner......

Which is to say..... "I have something to talk to you about and want to be in public so you don't go all mad ass when i tell you have I have failed as a human being?"

Something like that I imagine.

 

[chuckyoufarley]

make her pay the dinner bill before she tells you

 

[Old time lurker]

My experiences have taught me that if something don't feel right, then somethings going on.
If all else fails, call this guy

 

[SuperSizeMe]

She just texted me that she thinks we should go out to dinner......

Which is to say..... "I have something to talk to you about and want to be in public so you don't go all mad ass when i tell you have I have failed as a human being?"

Something like that I imagine.

Your imagination is running away with you, homie...don't immediately think the worst.

This could turn out to be a good thing.

In my experience, once a woman is "gone" emotionally, there isn't much we can do about it anyways.

Not trying to scare you here, just looking at it realistically.You did want to talk to her, why not relax over a meal and a glass of wine while you do it.

 

[Chief]

If you dont trust her youll never be happy and want be able let to her be happy

 

[the_red_bull]

man i got a million problems right now but a female aint one..that would just send me over the edge right now, bout to go fuckin postal!!

True pimpin right there. Nah but seriously and no trolling. Your wife apparently fucked this other girl from work. Now some guys would be okay with that and others not so much. I would personally be a little threatened that she hid it because it would feel like she was thinking about replacing me. Especially with all the other problems you described. But I look at it this way... See there was a time or two when I thought "this is the one" and it always ended. And the more I think on it I doubt I'd be ready to committ to a woman knowing all of my business for that long, let alone having sex with the same woman for years on end. Basically, this is not a world that can deal with love the way it used to be.

 

[Cheerful]

First off this is an alias, not because I'm embarrassed, it's just my wife looks over my shoulder and I never keep anything from her..... I just don't want her to see this thread.

My wife and I have had some distance come between us due to extreme stress, family problems on her side and big problems with us.

Keep in mind we have barely gone to bed without one another for 5 years. She has been going drinking with some new friends from work..... fo the first time she called at 3 in the morning and was too drunk to come home. I remember the time I made that phone call to my (then) husband.

A few days later I confronted her that her answers and body language have been different and I think she has something to tell me. After badgering her the only thing she came up with was one of the girls like girls and my wife thinks she likes my wife. If it's not a big deal why would you choose for that to be your first big omission THAT YOU KNOW OF. A Pretty big assumption. if nothing was going on. Is she afraid of you? Do you get loud and angry when you don't like the answer she just gave you? In my marriage, I learned that he could turn Anything into something ugly, so I learned to keep things to myself... (Innocent things, chit-chatty stuff) If you really want to get this relationship going in the right direction, change your tone. Confronting and Badgering are not working.

Why should would keep that from me raises a lot of questions in my mind. You are completely right to be concerned, and you are entitled to the truth about your relationship. There *is* a point (but not yet) where if you can't get the truth, you'll have to make a move. But before that, try my suggestions (see below) or try something else. We're set to discuss this but it just turns into a shit storm when she wont answer.

If SHE won't answer, who is turning it into a shit storm? Is it YOU? Shit storms also do not work.

I know all the reasons leading up to this but how should I deal with it??? I'm not asking for details...but just remember that we *don't* know all the reasons... all I'm saying is that us readers are offering advice based on limited info.

If I continue to get undatifactory answers I feel like I would never be able to trust her again. Do I even try at this point.
Well, let's see, you already have 5+ years of your life invested, and you really care about her? OF COURSE you still try at this point. That is, if you want to. You don't have to try, but you need to decide whether to try or not. I think it's way too soon to throw in the towel.

At one point I asked her what she would have to tell me if I put a tape recorder in her car like my friend who caught his wife did..... Now you are making threats? You know, you CAN drive her away even if she wasn't originally thinking of leaving you. So Cut That Sht OUT!!!

Her answer was to get extremely upset I would be too, if someone was threatening me like that. saying she vents to her sis and mom about me Sounds reasonable and normal to me so far....and it would be unfortunate if I only heard one side of the story? What a crock Yes, it's a crock. She is afraid of saying something that will set you off, and she's grasping at straws. ..... it's her side of the story I'm concerned about. She seemed really, really scared and kept asking if I did record. She is afraid of you.

What the fuck do I do?

Bug the car? I can get a gps tracker and a voice activated recorder. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO THIS. For so Many Reasons! 1) It will help drive her away; 2) You are giving her some intriguing stories to tell about you if she does leave you. Stop this! Do NOT be "the guy who turned into a stalker"! ! ! 3) If she *is* hiding something and she wants to continue, there are plenty of ways of working around whatever obstacles you put up. (getting out of the car to talk on phone, going off in someone elses car while her car stays parked at work, etc.) Don't waste your time. You are entitled to information but This is NOT the way to get it.

I don't want the info to throw it in her face. You may believe this right now, because "the info" is something vague and unknown. As soon as you hear anything specific, you will probably be tempted to flip out. Who wouldn't?!?! To be honest I would show her in counceling session Bad idea, very childish to tattle. More importantly, if "the info" is bad enuf...what the hell do you need a counselor for? Just split up! and let the counselor tell us how to split. You have nothing to gain by inviting a 3rd party to tell you anything! Especially a 3rd party who gets PAID BY THE HOUR! ! ! You and your wife are both adults and you know more than any outsider what is best for the two of you. (the 3rd party should be the last resort! !)

My blood is itching and I'm going crazy.

This isn't me..... been crying most of the day. I was always the player..... never cared what a grilfriend decided to leave........ but this is different. She is the most substantial thing to come into my life ever.

I know why she's unhappy and I've been working on it very well, You keep mentioning this in passing, almost glossing it over. It kinda sounds like you're "already past it" (whatever you did or ??) but you cannot just assume that she is also "past it". but I need to know what happened. It *is* possible that nothing new "happened" other than her going out after work for drinks and lots of girl talk. (And BTW, no woman would EVER say "it's obvious she f'd this other woman" Most women don't roll like that!!! I Guarantee!!)

You need to know: 1) is she aware of all that you are doing to work on it? Make sure she knows. 2) Does she agree that you seem to be Really Trying? If not, you need to find out what else she wants.**I'm Not saying to DO whatever else she wants!! I'm saying that You need to Gather Info. This info will help you make Informed Decisions. You might even find out that she "doesn't know what else it will take". This is not fair to you... how can you work towards a goal that hasn't been clearly set???

But, I would be disgusted with my self if I were to record her privacy. Thank God. This tells me a lot about your character, and motivated me to want to help you. That seems so pathetic. That's cuz it IS. Normally I would just end it,. split etc... Wait!! there is So Much Middle Ground between "stay & just be a chump" and "I'm leaving now."

Here are some suggestions for things to say: MOST IMPORTANT: Stay calm and keep your voice low, anything you say in a loud or agitated way will be WORTHLESS.

"Look, I'm sorry I threatened to bug your car. I really didn't want to do it, I know it's not cool. I just feel like I can't think of any other way to find out where I stand with you. I understand why you're upset with me. I've been working really hard to do better. Have you noticed that I am sincerely trying to make things better? (If not, tell her what all you are doing!) What do you need me to do in order for you to be happy here with me? We both need to know whether that is even possible, or whether you have already made the decision to leave. I am entitled to know whether I am wasting my time trying to work on our marriage.

If you wanna troll go ahead...... th ese threads are always a joke I know

But I could use some advice from people who have GONE through this ....hope this helped!

Soylentgreen is people

Good luck, however things turn out. I have a feeling that you will land on your feet. This took so long to write, you probably have it all resolved by now! Toke and type, toke and type, roll and spark, toke and type and toke and type.....

 

[mcmawg]

Nicely put, Cheerful.

 

[SoylentGreen]

Thanks cheerful.... all good advice, a lot of it is wrong, in my particular case, she's not afraid of me etc i'm not really, or cant type it all out right now.

I think I'm going to ask her to leave. In the end, if I can't trust her, I won't trust her.

Thank you to everyone.

 

[Rob547]

'I think I'm going to ask her to leave. In the end, if I can't trust her, I won't trust her.'

well said, went through similar, major trust issues.. shit just gets worse (in my experience)

 

[Cheerful]

Thanks cheerful.... all good advice, a lot of it is wrong, in my particular case, she's not afraid of me How do you know? Have you ever discussed it with her? My husband seemed honestly surprised when I told him I was scared of him. etc i'm not really, or cant type it all out right now. (I even thought about throwing this in to my prior message...but I thought you'd maybe go "Hmmm..." looking at you own words bolded. )

I think I'm going to ask her to leave. I gotta ask, you called her your wife, are the two of you legally married? You sound like "Divorces are so quick and easy." So I figure you're either living together unmarried, or your brother is a top lawyer who will do your divorce for free. In the end, if I can't trust her, I won't trust her. This brings us back to "I know why she's upset with me and I'm working on it". So by your own admission, you and your wife agreed that what you had done was hurtful to the relationship and that it warranted effort to change. Sure sounds like a case of Broken Trust on some level! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Really, you need to check yourself. You're going to have a lonely life if you insist on having a perfect partner while it's OK for You to mess up now and then.



Thank you to everyone.

Good luck.

 

[Ontariostoner]

Bump

Was it a knob or a knipple she was chewin'?

Perverted minds knead to know

 

[Cheerful]

Really? No updates, no nuthin....

I feel like I've been Yummybudded.......

 

[Sambiala]

Happens to the best of us bud. The shit makes you crazy. I’m over it all now, the second I get that feeling in my gut (you know the one) I know it’s time to move on, prolonging the inevitable is a downward spiral. It’s a hard lesson and a life changing experience but there’s no point flogging a dead horse. I have had that ‘dinner’ so I assume you are hurting bad right now, chin up, stick with your mates, crank the tunes and keep busy.

Best of luck!

 

[SuperSizeMe]

Happens to the best of us bud. The shit makes you crazy. I’m over it all now, the second I get that feeling in my gut (you know the one) I know it’s time to move on, prolonging the inevitable is a downward spiral. It’s a hard lesson and a life changing experience but there’s no point flogging a dead horse. I have had that ‘dinner’ so I assume you are hurting bad right now, chin up, stick with your mates, crank the tunes and keep busy.

Best of luck!

Come now, what kind of way is that to live?

Always running from love....You gotta get back up on that "hobby-horse"...\

Seriously OP, hope you're making out alright, brother

 

[Sambiala]

Come now, what kind of way is that to live?

Always running from love....You gotta get back up on that "hobby-horse"...\

I wasn't meaning that feeling...

If you get to the point to consider the lengths of the OP then that "hobby-horse" is possibly a mule and your gut is telling you what you don't wanna accept - sorry no easy way to say it without bringing the tone down where it's not helpful



Well I'll try to bring it back up anyway...

 

[maryj315]

Take it from somebody who is going on 16 years of bliss. If she has not sucked all the life out of you already RUN, enjoy what time you have left.

Mj

 

[cody2white]

Any updates?

 

[R3ZIN]

What did she tell you over dinner?