I know I have the potential to succeed but I struggle with lack of motivation and probably depression. I'm not sure where I'm going with this or where to start, but I'm feeling talkative so here goes.
A lot of people would consider my upbringing to be absolutely terrible but I don't think it was too bad.
I was born in the Middle East, raised by my mother only (dad was in the States). My mother's side of the family was big (in number), we had many homes, and she (a professor) and her family (poets, doctors, etc) were educated and known. They named a street after my grandfather, a poet, after his death in the late 90s. While a lot of her side of the family including her did suffer from anxiety and other problems, I was insulated from the worst of it due to having a big family and money coming in.
But, there was NOBODY my age in my family. They were too busy getting phDs and married very late (late 40s!), and so while the family was big, I couldn't connect with them due to the age difference.
Religion played no part in my upbringing. It's weird, and it's something I really want to sit down one day and spend time introspecting over, but basically, Islam was so ingrained in the culture that it wasn't really noticeable. There were no debates about it, nobody talked about it, and since there were no debates, people just weren't openly passionate about it.
I personally was an atheist for as long as I can remember (there's a thread about it in the religion forum). But again, I would like to sit down and think more about this before I discuss it more.
I'm going to skip a decade ahead to life in the states. High school was miserable, but that's everyone's experience with it no? I had friends, and I wasn't bullied, but my self-esteem was low. Very low, and I'm not sure why. I'm not bad looking (quite the contrary), not out of shape (pretty fit), not poor, but I always felt inferior to others in a way. Maybe envious but I can't be sure of what exactly.
I've always compared myself to others, especially in terms of education or skill. I "had" to be better, and if I wasn't, I was a mental wreck. But this didn't help me strive in school. In fact, I hate(d) school. while I love reading and learning, I can't muster up the effort to wake up, go to class, and muddle through all the BS that college puts you through.
Luckily for me, I had learned how to program when I was in high school. Instead of being out playing sports or getting laid, I spent most of my days immersing myself in whatever hobbies I could afford at the time. Programming was perfect because it was free and there was no clean up.
I'm (or was) biochemistry major but I honestly can't tell you why. I don't really know. I refused to major in anything computer related because I knew most of it already and felt that paying $25k just for a degree that proves I know something to somebody who wouldn't believe me otherwise wasn't smart - and it's really not.
So I chose my worst subject, chemistry. It was my worst academic subject but I have an interest in it because it changes how you see the world in day to day life. But even though I find it interesting, there are some other reasons I chose chem. Drugs.
I like drugs from a philosophical point of view. The thought that you can tweak chemicals in your brain to become more religious, lower/increase risk taking behavior, feel in or out of love, feel motivated or not, etc, is FASCINATING to me.
But I wasn't planning to work in the chem industry, and continue to view college as an expensive hobby rather than a goal path.
My point is, while I do have some passions and interests, I can't seem to get my shit together. I make good money working as a programmer for a GREAT company - fortune 500 clients. And I do it all from home. I love my job, it's challenging, my boss is chill, and I know it's a job most people with a Master's would love to have, but the truth is, I feel hollow.
I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I don't feel anything is ultimately worth doing, and though I understand that one must live for the small things in life, I find it exceedingly hard to muster up the effort to actually do things for a future goal. For example, I'd like to be financially independent where I am running my own business and making enough cash to survive, but the question of "then what?" pops into my head?
I don't wanna sound like a spoiled brat (and I probably am, or as my friends say I just have very good luck), but what really motivates one to wake up everyday and do what they do?
I watch homeless people wake up every morning to pick up bottles off the street. I watch small store owners waking up at 6 AM to open in the worst weather conditions. I see people struggling to live, and doing so happily, and while I KNOW what my goals are and what I need to do to accomplish them, there's NO PUSH. No drive.
Two days ago a friend attempted suicide (he's in the hospital now), and while I certainly don't want him dead, I find myself struggling with what to say when he asks me what the point of living is, or why he shouldn't end it.
I used to be suicidal, but I realized that since it's an option available to any of us at any given time, it's something that can wait. This gives me a skewed view on life, where I feel I can do whatever I want, given that I can off myself if shit hits the fan. Granted, I'm not doing anything of the sort.
We smoke plants, we grow plants, we work, we have wives, relationships etc, but when you're in bed, thinking about all this and thinking "what's the fucking point?" - HOW do you motivate yourself to get up and shake it off?
A lot of people would consider my upbringing to be absolutely terrible but I don't think it was too bad.
I was born in the Middle East, raised by my mother only (dad was in the States). My mother's side of the family was big (in number), we had many homes, and she (a professor) and her family (poets, doctors, etc) were educated and known. They named a street after my grandfather, a poet, after his death in the late 90s. While a lot of her side of the family including her did suffer from anxiety and other problems, I was insulated from the worst of it due to having a big family and money coming in.
But, there was NOBODY my age in my family. They were too busy getting phDs and married very late (late 40s!), and so while the family was big, I couldn't connect with them due to the age difference.
Religion played no part in my upbringing. It's weird, and it's something I really want to sit down one day and spend time introspecting over, but basically, Islam was so ingrained in the culture that it wasn't really noticeable. There were no debates about it, nobody talked about it, and since there were no debates, people just weren't openly passionate about it.
I personally was an atheist for as long as I can remember (there's a thread about it in the religion forum). But again, I would like to sit down and think more about this before I discuss it more.
I'm going to skip a decade ahead to life in the states. High school was miserable, but that's everyone's experience with it no? I had friends, and I wasn't bullied, but my self-esteem was low. Very low, and I'm not sure why. I'm not bad looking (quite the contrary), not out of shape (pretty fit), not poor, but I always felt inferior to others in a way. Maybe envious but I can't be sure of what exactly.
I've always compared myself to others, especially in terms of education or skill. I "had" to be better, and if I wasn't, I was a mental wreck. But this didn't help me strive in school. In fact, I hate(d) school. while I love reading and learning, I can't muster up the effort to wake up, go to class, and muddle through all the BS that college puts you through.
Luckily for me, I had learned how to program when I was in high school. Instead of being out playing sports or getting laid, I spent most of my days immersing myself in whatever hobbies I could afford at the time. Programming was perfect because it was free and there was no clean up.
I'm (or was) biochemistry major but I honestly can't tell you why. I don't really know. I refused to major in anything computer related because I knew most of it already and felt that paying $25k just for a degree that proves I know something to somebody who wouldn't believe me otherwise wasn't smart - and it's really not.
So I chose my worst subject, chemistry. It was my worst academic subject but I have an interest in it because it changes how you see the world in day to day life. But even though I find it interesting, there are some other reasons I chose chem. Drugs.
I like drugs from a philosophical point of view. The thought that you can tweak chemicals in your brain to become more religious, lower/increase risk taking behavior, feel in or out of love, feel motivated or not, etc, is FASCINATING to me.
But I wasn't planning to work in the chem industry, and continue to view college as an expensive hobby rather than a goal path.
My point is, while I do have some passions and interests, I can't seem to get my shit together. I make good money working as a programmer for a GREAT company - fortune 500 clients. And I do it all from home. I love my job, it's challenging, my boss is chill, and I know it's a job most people with a Master's would love to have, but the truth is, I feel hollow.
I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I don't feel anything is ultimately worth doing, and though I understand that one must live for the small things in life, I find it exceedingly hard to muster up the effort to actually do things for a future goal. For example, I'd like to be financially independent where I am running my own business and making enough cash to survive, but the question of "then what?" pops into my head?
I don't wanna sound like a spoiled brat (and I probably am, or as my friends say I just have very good luck), but what really motivates one to wake up everyday and do what they do?
I watch homeless people wake up every morning to pick up bottles off the street. I watch small store owners waking up at 6 AM to open in the worst weather conditions. I see people struggling to live, and doing so happily, and while I KNOW what my goals are and what I need to do to accomplish them, there's NO PUSH. No drive.
Two days ago a friend attempted suicide (he's in the hospital now), and while I certainly don't want him dead, I find myself struggling with what to say when he asks me what the point of living is, or why he shouldn't end it.
I used to be suicidal, but I realized that since it's an option available to any of us at any given time, it's something that can wait. This gives me a skewed view on life, where I feel I can do whatever I want, given that I can off myself if shit hits the fan. Granted, I'm not doing anything of the sort.
We smoke plants, we grow plants, we work, we have wives, relationships etc, but when you're in bed, thinking about all this and thinking "what's the fucking point?" - HOW do you motivate yourself to get up and shake it off?