Is it common to have no friends?

[FourBearer]

The definition of friendship may be unique to each person. I know many people, but I try not to classify some as friends and some not. This comes across to me as a form of favoratism or bias. There are many social complications that may occur as a result of classifying the people you associate with.

The pitfalls of perceiving a need for "close friendships" are many. We tend to put restrictions and conditions on those that we want to call friends. These conditions have many behavioral implications for both parties.

We have a tendency to put too much "trust" in some of our friends. Many times this trust is betrayed and when we learn about it, our friends many times become our enemies. In order to avoid this situation, treat everyone as a friend but keep your secrets a secret. Always understand that humans have a free will and can sway with the wind as does the strongest oak tree.

Sometimes we have confidential information that we "just need" to share with someone to impress them. Learn self control and think of all the possible consequences of this action before making this mistake.

Friends can be almost anyone, but don't assume that loyalty is a permanent trait. Look upon friendship as something nice to have with no strings attached and no boundaries. You will find friends everywhere and have much more peace of mind.

 

[GrassRoots]

Wise words FourBearer.

 

[hunt4genetics]

FourBearer,
I think your last post was the most sensible, rational,realistic post of this whole thread so far. It was a very sober look at what many call friendship.
Thanks for posting your thaughts.

 

[otherwhitemeat]

Med,

If I may...I was once over 300 pounds and hated myself, I smoked all the time and became depressed. I was in high school and couldn't pay the girls to talk to me.

It seems like you are depressed; not 'down' depressed but 'clinically' depressed. If you truly must smoke for medical reasons, try doing something to improve your health and outlook a bit. I am a student of human nature and people notice two things more than anything else: 1) desperation: that you are desperate to make friends, 2) depression/negative aura: when you are depressed, a negative aura surrounds you, threatening to suck all others in. When we are depressed, we overcompensate by trying to make friends with a forced smile and our pheromones give us away---the interaction is not natural, but awkward. Don't try to 'strike up' conversations in seemingly unsocial surroundings, go to places where you interact with others as equals. Bicycle riding, lizard breeding, bird watching, D&D, WHATEVER you are into, there are others doing as well. They are gathering and doing things. hang with them. It's OK to be shy, just don't try so hard and can the small talk, people hate small talk.

I had very bad back pain and was convinced that I would be a fat guy for life. I started walking, the first day down the corner. The next day around the block, eventually for miles. The I started bike riding and eventually, running. I started working out and lost 70 pounds. My outlook became better, first a few friends then many---by the time I was ain college I was getting laid all the time and had tons of friends. I eventually burned out on too much socialization and now I only have 2 VERY close, trusted friends, but others, maybe 5-10 'acquaintances' that I see, but none are 'friends'. Friends show up on moving day. I am in my 30's and figured out the triggers to my depression, and I am OK with being alone for the most part...I like alone...it suits me. But you have to be comfortable with it, and you are not yet.

If you can't shake your depression with physical exertion, you may need a SSRI, a competent Psych should be able to diagnose you in minutes. Best of luck, turn off the tv and make some connections. Get your ass off the couch and have a walk, being fat is a choice. Don't give me that 'disease' nonsense. Choice. Own it, own your choices. Eventually you'll be like me: an awkward fat teenager that fooled everyone into thinking he was cool just by looking the part. Be well and stay away from organized religion in your vulnerable state.

 

[The Bling]

You know In this day and age I don't think its uncommon and defiantly not uncommon to feel like that especially in socal I grew up in an all white town I'm an american MUTT my family has been here since the revolutionary war I don't look white my genetics are mostly caucasian. That doesn't matter though I was alienated not allowed to join the games all sorts of bratty shit little kids do. Well I speak well have good vocabulary and dress fairly conservative normally, but I was threatening to people I never have friends when I behave the way I was raised. As soon as I began to act "black" and sell things I had lots of "friends". As soon as I decided to get real again... no friends not one. I spend all my time working reading meditating or exercising. I don't let it bother me though what do need friends for MOB money over bitches. I have always had friends when people knew I had MONEY the more $$$ the more friends. well when i live in socal at least LA=shallow

 

[THISISME]

Growing up I had friends and as an adult I had friends but after moving a bunch of times and being both disabled and a grower I have to say that most of the people I call friends are online friends. I have met a few of them but they live to far away to be close friends though I value the relationships. Unfortunately I think this is very common for stoners and med users these days.

THISISME

 

[motaco]

It's not uncommon at all.

It's one of the things that inspired me NOT to get married. I noticed when I was younger there was a huge difference when people were around mid thirties. All I had to ask is "So what do you like to do? What are you into?"

The question visually takes aback many married men. The brief memory when there was something different. Family takes alot away from you. Many married men have NO life other than work and home. They may have a "3rd place" like a bar they go to because they have nowhere else to go and don't wanna go home. So they wait an hour with a beer with other guys doing the same.

Alot of guys that never got married felt like they missed out on things, but they were quick to say what they were into. Music, fishing, this or that. They didn't lose everything. Guys that got divorced seemed keenly aware of what they lost and being forced to discover it again.

Long story short, No. You're not alone. Many people on many different paths feel alone. Some are surrounded by people. Only thing I can say is don't way for people to invite you. Invite them. The fact is most people are pretty damn boring, and they aren't doing anything more interesting than you are, and it never occurred to invite you to watch CSI.

Get something planned, invite people you like and you'd be surprised not only how many show up but start looking to you as "whats happening this weekend?"

I remember in highschool I always wanted to go to the killer parties. Never really got invited. I realized there simply weren't that many killer parties like in movies about highschool. So I started throwing them. I had keggers at movie theatres, roof tops, live music. You'd be surprised how people are really looking for a leader. ie: waiting for someone to call them rather then calling people. People know you for what you do and if you don't do anything interesting they aren't going to know you.

 

[SemperAltus]

i got alot of friends except with all the people that fucked me in the past i pushed away alot of friends pissed on alot of good friends aswell... i got a nice group of people who i call and call me and im trying to not be as flaky and keep a tight knit group... def... have reverted from hs where i knew everyone etc...

 

[devilgoob]

I love my luck, I was thinking this yesterday.

I think it's better to have no friends. Iams erious.

 

[med_breeder]

"be yourself? Tell that to Ted Bundy."
so true so true!

 

[Gangabiss]

If you can learn to truly accept and love being alone with yourself, then you'll never be lonely again. Nor will you ever pine for another to make yourself feel complete.
This will help you avoid many difficult and needless situations in your life.

If you are constantly looking to others to provide you with meaning and peace of mind then you are sure to never find it.

 

[followtherabbit]

mind if I ask you what your star sign is med breeder, I know this might be of no relevence to you, but just trying to know

 

[anikas88]

hmm, i guess i have gone through phases, during elementry and middle school and middle of high school , i was really shy and introverted, had very little friends, in my last years of high school i started eating right and doing massive amounts of exercises, i was semi popular at the end, i had lot of friends i was invited to parties and the "hot" girls at school liked me, after high school i didnt really do anything for a while, hung out with friends girls and partying, well i was not doing anything except partying, but i was having a blast, then a friend got busted, for some stupid reason i took the rap, i didnt do jail time but with courts sucking my money, i lost everything toward the end, money, friends, and girls, they didnt stick around, point of the story is most people will not stick around when your going through a rough period, those same people you would have died for will not do if for you, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST

 

[anikas88]

Also you should note that a "friend" who i would give free weed to, planned a robbery of my house, i have a thread on here, i have been fucked over so many times by so called friends, i have basically decided to keep to myself for a while, you know do things for me, becoming a better person, reading,exercising,growing, hopefully i will be smarter next time and never trust blindly

 

[FRANKENBLUNT420]

hmm, i guess i have gone through phases, during elementry and middle school and middle of high school , i was really shy and introverted, had very little friends, in my last years of high school i started eating right and doing massive amounts of exercises, i was semi popular at the end, i had lot of friends i was invited to parties and the "hot" girls at school liked me, after high school i didnt really do anything for a while, hung out with friends girls and partying, well i was not doing anything except partying, but i was having a blast, then a friend got busted, for some stupid reason i took the rap, i didnt do jail time but with courts sucking my money, i lost everything toward the end, money, friends, and girls, they didnt stick around, point of the story is most people will not stick around when your going through a rough period, those same people you would have died for will not do if for you, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST

i couldn't let this one go since i have a friend going through the weirdest friggin thing, and i never would have thought he would have done what he is being accused of.

for me as far as friends being there for you through thick and thin, it really does depend on what you do and the morality behind it, and how it affects everyone else in the long run. this friend of mine lied to all of "us" and it seems only to get our approval or assistance to do somethign he knew damned well we wouldn't have condoned him doing.

his mother asked if some of us could write a letter of character referance for him to be read during his trial, but for what hes being accused of. . . . . . . i just dont know and am still trying to figure out where to start. many others have told me to just write the letter about him b4 all this, but i find that to be the hardest part of all, because the "-----" i know wouldn't have been caught dead in the place that the incident occured in much less being accused of the things he is being accused of.

in regard to the topic of the thread as sidebar if nothing else, it seems as though i am reminded of the old adage you never really know someone until you walk in their shoes.

and he too was a friend, that practically became a surrogate brother to me as i did to him, more so than my own blood brother!! people actually started to think we were literally related, and he was someone i would walk through hell for/with and back

 

[anikas88]

Franken - do you think hes taking the blame for someone? I would really look deep into this and see if hes guilty in your mind, look at all the angles maybe hes not guilty, but dont be blind and just because hes your friend, but if hes not guilty i would stand behind him, i guess ( just dont take the blame, JK)

Well to kind of clear things up, i had a friend who was in a bit a trouble but overall a good kid, he had a weapon on him, he was a on probation,we got pulled over, he told me he was going to get into alot of trouble so i dont know why the fuck i told the cop it was mine, i went to jail, my parents bailed me out with they money they were gonna use to put a down payment on a house, when i got out i still continued to party, my parents kicked me out i lived with friends doing dead end jobs, i was going to court on a continuous basis because the court really wanted to nail me on this,after 2 years or so of struggling i got a good job and got this so called friend a job their too, well he told me one day that they were going to fire me, i was so pissed and that i quit, later i find out that he made that story up and not only that he would talk shit because i was unemployed for a while after this, basically to sum up my experience i went through hell and back, and still recovering for someone and they dont even appreciate it, fuck they dont even acknowledge the fact that i ruined my life for them, yes ruined my life im not being dramatic at all,I have a criminal record, i got ill because of the stress,im just starting to recover, SO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, IM NOT SAYING BE A SELFISH PRICK, BUT IN THE END ITS USUALLY YOURSELF WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES

 

[zeeba amoeba]

Franken - do you think hes taking the blame for someone? I would really look deep into this and see if hes guilty in your mind, look at all the angles maybe hes not guilty, but dont be blind and just because hes your friend, but if hes not guilty i would stand behind him, i guess ( just dont take the blame, JK)

Well to kind of clear things up, i had a friend who was in a bit a trouble but overall a good kid, he had a weapon on him, he was a on probation,we got pulled over, he told me he was going to get into alot of trouble so i dont know why the fuck i told the cop it was mine, i went to jail, my parents bailed me out with they money they were gonna use to put a down payment on a house, when i got out i still continued to party, my parents kicked me out i lived with friends doing dead end jobs, i was going to court on a continuous basis because the court really wanted to nail me on this,after 2 years or so of struggling i got a good job and got this so called friend a job their too, well he told me one day that they were going to fire me, i was so pissed and that i quit, later i find out that he made that story up and not only that he would talk shit because i was unemployed for a while after this, basically to sum up my experience i went through hell and back, and still recovering for someone and they dont even appreciate it, fuck they dont even acknowledge the fact that i ruined my life for them, yes ruined my life im not being dramatic at all,I have a criminal record, i got ill because of the stress,im just starting to recover, SO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, IM NOT SAYING BE A SELFISH PRICK, BUT IN THE END ITS USUALLY YOURSELF WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES

I can usually tell when people are lying or carrying baggage and I just avoid them after that. Trouble is, most people are liars and a lot of people carry baggage. The reason people approach you usually has to do with either sex, money or popularity (they want to seem cool by talking w/ you).

When you come to the realization that the vast majority will eye you for what they can get, then you realize, friendship is *almost* impossible. Especially out at work, where everyone's a politician maneuvering to look good in the boss's & coworker's eyes. Since most people spend so much time at work, then what do you do? One coworker asked me, "What would be your favorite city in the world to visit?" I replied, "Amsterdam," so she silently put 2 and 2 together, and went behind my back and told my boss I smoke marijuana. Anything to make them look good and the other person look bad, that's what people are after. Even married, older women who have kids, they themselves act like little children on a playground, all the same pettiness and stupidity.

Don't get depressed about lack of friends because in my experience, so-called "friends" bring on 99% of the misery you will ever know in this life, with their shenanigans & betrayals petty and major. Anything you tell a "friend" usually gets broadcast to everyone else. Or if you omit details then they will gladly fill it in based on any clues you let slide.

If you have money, then there's your "friends" standing before you with palm outstretched. If you have a good-looking partner, then there's your "friend" trying to get alone with your partner. ("Hey T., my roommate's rolling a joint over at my house, why don't you go get high with him while I talk with your girlfriend...alone?")

Then you've got the leeches who do nothing but take, take, take. You invite them over to dinner time after time and they say thanks, but never invite you back. Or if they do invite you, then their food is crummy and their house is a pigsty. I was friends once with this guy who after coming over to my place a dozen times for supper, finally invited me over to dinner. He served half-raw vegetarian lazonga (SP?). The iced tea tasted like sugar syrup. To top it all off, after supper, his roommate and his girlfriend laid on the floor to play a car-racing video game, and the two of them cut loose the raunchiest and loudest farts and laughed about it. I lost that "friend" because he invited me to his wedding, and it was 200 miles away, and not only did I not show up, but I didn't even buy a wedding gift. I don't mourn the loss of a leech.

Most people with a lot of "friends" have to deal with a bunch of annoying asshats, so people without friends: count your blessings.

 

[NorCalChron]

While I agree with you zeeba I do still know certain people who are genuinly good people and would help just about ANYONE out of a tough spot, friend or not. Im sure everyone can remember at least one person whos friendship you took for granted.

More of the people who I know who don't medicate with cannabis are of this selfless nature leading me to believe weed is at least partly to blame for some of these relationship issues. I think some people especially growers are making weed more important that it should be in their life.

I like to think of what we always used to hear as kids but not so much anymore. Treat others as would you would like to be treated.

 

[zeeba amoeba]

While I agree with you zeeba I do still know certain people who are genuinly good people and would help just about ANYONE out of a tough spot, friend or not. Im sure everyone can remember at least one person whos friendship you took for granted.

More of the people who I know who don't medicate with cannabis are of this selfless nature leading me to believe weed is at least partly to blame for some of these relationship issues. I think some people especially growers are making weed more important that it should be in their life.

I like to think of what we always used to hear as kids but not so much anymore. Treat others as would you would like to be treated.

hmm. Thoughtful post. Yeah I do have one good friend. I think everyone should have at least one, and probably one is all that most people have.

Now about cannabis leading to anti-social behavior. I think its backwards; the anti-social types are drawn towards cannabis in the first place. After making it a part of their lives, they're still anti-social. Are they more so? I doubt it. In my own case I haven't changed noticeably. I still see about as many people on a daily basis as I did B.C. (Before Cannabis). My opinions of others has not changed in the slightest. In fact I think it is safe to see I feel more empathetic and kind under the influence of cannabis. It mellows me out and makes me less skeptical and more forgiving.

Why are anti-social types are drawn to cannabis?

I think that's the "real" question.

First of all, what does "anti-social" mean? Bucking the trend; nonconformist, independent thinker, not especially concerned about what other people say. This would tend to make one a bit withdrawn, to seem introverted or reclusive.

Anti-social types tend to use cannabis more, because cannabis in today's society is highly illegal and even disapproved of in some circles. I know that where I used to work, you really couldn't discuss marijuana without people instantly suspecting that you were a druggie. I know that sounds insane but it was true. One of my bosses came to conclude I was a marijuana farmer just based on my comment that I believed marijuana should be legal.

 

[Mr.Woodcock]

hell yea its common to not have friends they can be sores on you ass but not usually until you have got older and been burned unless your a dumbass and just don't learn

rare is real friends

W