William Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says
"Get out, you're bard"
"Get out, you're bard"
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What's the last thing to go through a bugs head when he hits your windscreen?
His arse.
His arse.
G
greenmatter
C
Chamba
A long, long time ago, a knight was called upon to serve his king and join the crusades in the middle east, it was said that they would be facing an enemy of greater numbers in combat so his chances of return were slim....so he made preparations
His main concern was his fiance, a most beautiful young innocent maiden, so he had the local jeweler manufacture a chastity belt of the highest quality to maintain her purity while he was gone.....and as he was about to leave the castle on his war horse with his trusty sword and armor, he slipped the only key to the chastity belt into the hand of his most trusted and life long friend and whispered in his ear " If you receive news that I have fallen on the field of battle, then you know what you can do with this key to my love's purity....free her from these iron bonds so she may marry another" His friend nodded solemnly and hugged his best friend, wished him a speedy return ..then the knight grabbed his future young bride close to him and kissed her passionately and departed to the war with a stiff upper lip.
Well.........about 5 minutes later, even before the knight and his entourage were out of sight, the best friend came racing towards the knight on his horse waving the key in the air screaming out " IT"S THE WRONG KEY!!!!"
His main concern was his fiance, a most beautiful young innocent maiden, so he had the local jeweler manufacture a chastity belt of the highest quality to maintain her purity while he was gone.....and as he was about to leave the castle on his war horse with his trusty sword and armor, he slipped the only key to the chastity belt into the hand of his most trusted and life long friend and whispered in his ear " If you receive news that I have fallen on the field of battle, then you know what you can do with this key to my love's purity....free her from these iron bonds so she may marry another" His friend nodded solemnly and hugged his best friend, wished him a speedy return ..then the knight grabbed his future young bride close to him and kissed her passionately and departed to the war with a stiff upper lip.
Well.........about 5 minutes later, even before the knight and his entourage were out of sight, the best friend came racing towards the knight on his horse waving the key in the air screaming out " IT"S THE WRONG KEY!!!!"
what's black and blue and yellow and doesn't like anal sex very much?
the asian guy chained to the radiator in my basement.
the asian guy chained to the radiator in my basement.
A man decides to to try his hand at male prostitution, so heads off for the night and stands on the corner.
When he returns his wife asks "How much did you make love?"
"£20:50" replies the man.
"Who gave you 50 pence?" asks the wife.
"Everyone" replies the man.
When he returns his wife asks "How much did you make love?"
"£20:50" replies the man.
"Who gave you 50 pence?" asks the wife.
"Everyone" replies the man.
Just one minute...
Just one minute...
The 2nd knight doesn't come riding up from behind saying it's the wrong key does he?
Just one minute...
Before I finish reading this
The 2nd knight doesn't come riding up from behind saying it's the wrong key does he?
my hand is a male prostitute also.
C
Chamba
Before I finish reading this
The 2nd knight doesn't come riding up from behind saying it's the wrong key does he?
Yeah and it was funny the first 3 or 4 times I heard it too.....but what about those who are hearing/reading it for the first time?
I bet when you go to a club and listen to a stand up comedian, the audience and the comedian ends up heckling you out the door Hank...lol...now that would be funny
The 2nd knight doesn't come riding up from behind saying it's the wrong key does he?
Yeah and it was funny the first 3 or 4 times I heard it too.....but what about those who are hearing/reading it for the first time?
I bet when you go to a club and listen to a stand up comedian, the audience and the comedian ends up heckling you out the door Hank...lol...now that would be funny
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. Well take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff." The wifes face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man..."
Oldie but goodie
Man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.
Bill rents an apartment in Chicago and goes to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and its quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Lets go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
Shes astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! Theyre full, they dont sag, and theyre 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesnt sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
As they talk, her robe slips open, and its quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Lets go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
Shes astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! Theyre full, they dont sag, and theyre 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesnt sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
has to work hard
has to work at great depths
has to work upside down
has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
has to work in a high humidity environment
has to work at high temperatures=20
does not get weekends and holidays off=20
does not get time off after extra hours of work=20
has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness=20
Management Reply:=20
Request denied ------- for the following reasons
does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
does not answer immediately to all requests=20
coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
after a short activity period, falls asleep
shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
works better alone than with others=20
does not work at all unless pushed from behind
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
sometimes leaves work too early
has to work hard
has to work at great depths
has to work upside down
has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
has to work in a high humidity environment
has to work at high temperatures=20
does not get weekends and holidays off=20
does not get time off after extra hours of work=20
has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness=20
Management Reply:=20
Request denied ------- for the following reasons
does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
does not answer immediately to all requests=20
coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
after a short activity period, falls asleep
shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
works better alone than with others=20
does not work at all unless pushed from behind
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
sometimes leaves work too early
