The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Iffy]

Here's an oldie but a goodie;
A huge, weatherbeaten old bull and his offspring, a young calf walk through some bushes into a clearing. They look down on a sun dappled medow full of fat, healthy cows. The calf gets all excited - "Dad, dad, lets run down there and fuck one of them lovely cows"!
The old bull looks down at his son and says; "No son, lets walk down there and fuck them all"

 

[sunset limited]

it's brutal cold one night, so three homeless guys bed down together to stay warm.
they wake up the next morning.
the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
the guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
the guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."

 

[messn'n'gommin']

An old man enters a Catholic church and sits down in the confessional. The priest says, "Yes my son?"

The man says, "Father I'm 75 years old and I have been having a steamy, hot, passionate affair with a 25 year old super-model!"

The priest asks, "And how long has it been since you've been to confession, my son?"

The old man says, "Well, to be honest father I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this, my son?" the priest asks.

To which the old man replies, "Shoot father, I'm telling everybody!"

 

[Capt.Ahab]

Oxygen and potassium went on a date together..... it went..... OK

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man is on his knees in church, praying for a lotto win. Every week, he does the same thing, he kneels down, genuflects, and prays for god to make him win the lotto.
After 5 years he has become dis-heartened, and he gets on his knees to pray, "Why god, oh why oh why, I've been praying for you to bring me riches at home every day and in church every week, My house is going to be taken, my kids need braces and my car won't start, please god help me."
He hears a voice in his head "Fred." and fred can't believe it.
"God, is that really you?"
"Yes my son" says god.
"Oh, lord, please help me, I need that lotto win so my family won't be destitute and my wife and daughter won't have to go on the game."
"Very well my son, after all these years of praying, I will grant your wish." says god
"Oh lord, thank you, I will praise you and tell all those I meet of your good works." Says Fred.
"Just one thing." says god, "You are going to have to meet me half way on this one, god helps those who help themselves."
"Anything god, anything, ask of me what thou wilt." Says Fred.
"Well my son" says god " Buy a fucking lotto ticket."

 

[MJBadger]

Genuflects , i had to look it up in the dictionary you clever person you . Could have said knelt or kneels coz i thought it was gynaecological .

 

[GET MO]

yo mamma so dumb, she took the morning after pill AFTER you were born. I jus made that up.

 

[Growerz]

lol, some funny jokes

 

[chuckyoufarley]

its a lil long but its funny





These Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

[Hash Zeppelin]

"I went into the book store and asked the Clerk to show me where the self help section was. She told me she can't, it would defeat the purpose." -George Carlin

 

[Hash Zeppelin]

yo mama's so fat when she walks in front of the T.V. I miss 3 episodes.

 

[sunset limited]

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers:

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 13 9-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[Hank Hemp]

just 2 sentences

just 2 sentences

"I went into the book store and asked the Clerk to show me where the self help section was. She told me she can't, it would defeat the purpose." -George Carlin

But they were from the master!!

 

[Iffy]

Assassin Wanted.

Assassin Wanted.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her."

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife, I...I love her!" The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I just can't bring myself to shoot my loving wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another swiftly followed by loud screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, straightened her hair and turned to the shocked agent. "This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

[Canniwhatsis]

LMAO!!!!

 

[EShred]

Q: What kind of sex do 9/10 people like?

A: gang rape

 

[Iffy]

Q: What kind of sex do 9/10 people like?

A: gang rape

I thought this was the joke thread???

 

[Iffy]

Ok, here's another old one:

The Blackpool tower is up for renovation and the maintenance manager is open to tenders from locals for the painting of the tower.
The first tradesman in to see the manager is an Irishman, who ensures the manager he has the experience and the workforce to do a fine job at a cost of £3000. The manager's really impressed with the price and thanks the Irishman, telling him he'll let him know.
The next man in is an Englishman, who has a Powerpoint display and printed testimonials from satisfied customers. He states his outfit is the most professional and gives a costing of £6000. The manager although impressed with the demonstration, is not so impressed with the price.
The last man in is a Welshman, who shakes the managers hand warmly & smiles.
"I've never done any painting boyo and I've got no labour force, so my price is £9000".
"£9000!" Spluttered the manager. "That's three times the lowest quote!"
"Well of course it is boyo! Three grand for you - three grand for me & we give the job to Paddy!"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Ok, here's another old one:

The Blackpool tower is up for renovation and the maintenance manager is open to tenders from locals for the painting of the tower.
The first tradesman in to see the manager is an Irishman, who ensures the manager he has the experience and the workforce to do a fine job at a cost of £3000. The manager's really impressed with the price and thanks the Irishman, telling him he'll let him know.
The next man in is an Englishman, who has a Powerpoint display and printed testimonials from satisfied customers. He states his outfit is the most professional and gives a costing of £6000. The manager although impressed with the demonstration, is not so impressed with the price.
The last man in is a Welshman, who shakes the managers hand warmly & smiles.
"I've never done any painting boyo and I've got no labour force, so my price is £9000".
"£9000!" Spluttered the manager. "That's three times the lowest quote!"
"Well of course it is boyo! Three grand for you - three grand for me & we give the job to Paddy!"

The English and Irish in me are deeply offended, but the Welshman in me is pissing himself. All my dads side of the family on his dads side are Welsh. I still make sheep shagger jokes though

 

[MJBadger]

Personally i admire sheepshaggers , they must be bloody fit coz iv`e never caught one yet , they run like hell .