The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[chuckyoufarley]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.


End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale

 

[MJBadger]

Especially for Hank

Especially for Hank

We know he likes a little Johnny so this is a repost of a joke i put in this thread many many moons ago .

Little 4yr old Johnny was standing in the queue with mum at the supermarket checkout & there was a 6ft tall blonde with high heels & a very short skirt standing right in front of them . Cause Johnny`s so short he can see straight up her skirt & sees this little furry nest of blonde hair & decides to have a feel to see what it`s like . Well his little hand just disappears straight up there . The blonde squeals & mum sees what has just happened as he`s standing there with this funny look on his face & a damp hand dripping with juices .
Mum really loses it & slaps him back & forth across the head screaming at him never to put his hand or anything else in that place again as there are teeth in there that will bite anything off that is put in there .
This is the first time in little Johnny`s life that his mum has ever scolded him & it had a very deep impact on him .
He goes through all his schools never dating a girl as he`s too frightened to get close in case he ever has to see another girls furry nest .
Same with college & Uni , gets his degree & decides to become a dentist as he`s got this fascination with teeth .
He`s now 35yr old & to the ladies a very attractive man & a top dentist with his own practice in Harley Street , with exclusive clients including Pop Stars & film actors . Despite meeting many beautiful women he is still a virgin because of the teeth thing .
His PA Grace at the clinic could grace the pages of Vouge as she is so beautiful
& despite flirting with Johnny has never managed to interest him in a date . She tries all sorts of tricks women know but as soon as he looks at her body a strange look comes on his face & he declines any of her offers .
After several month of this he finally accepts her offer of a drink as he realises that she will be clothed so no harm can come to him & he needs to keep on her good side as she is so good for the Practice & very good at her job .
In the bar unknown to him she asks the barman to slip the odd double vodka into his beer , after a few drinks he finally loosens up & starts talking to her & Grace asks him why he is so reserved around women so Johnny decides to tell her about the only time his mother ever disciplined him & why . Well Grace is a bit shocked & tells Johnny that it can`t be true as babies are started that way & that sex is a pleasure then tells him that if he comes home with her she can show him .
Back at her flat she starts to rub him up & asks him to make love to her but Johnny tells her that he can`t because of the teeth thing so she takes him by the hand into the bedroom strips naked lays back on the bed & opens her legs wide .
Johnny takes one good look at her laid there , rips off his shirt with buttons flying all over the place , pulls his trousers & pants down & dives straight into her bollock deep & starts pounding away . This is the first time he`s ever felt the warmth of a lovely juicy love hole & realises what he`s been missing all the years , they both reach an amazing climax in very short time then lay back in the warm & wet afterglow of good sex when Grace asks him what made him change his mind .
Johnny say`s “ Well i am one of the top dentists in the country “
“ Whats has being a good dentist got to do with giving me a great fucking ? “
“ As soon as you laid back & opened your legs & i saw the state of your gums i knew there would be no fucking teeth in there “ .

 

[5th]

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We dont have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didnt fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fidos nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fidos ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeants balls in his mouth.

 

[trichrider]

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man says,
"We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like
your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answers the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on Top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno Video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No," says the Mullah.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing."

 

[5th]

A guys eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Maam, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I havent even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Why is it sad when 5 coppers go over a cliff in their police car???


There was room for 2 more in the boot.

 

[foaf]

a no punchline joke best told not written....

Door to door salesman knocks on the door.

Door opens, salesman has to look down, initially not seeing anyone open the door.

A 6 year old boy stands there in a robe and slippers, smoking a big cigar and drinking a glass of scotch and water.

Somewhat baffled, the salesman stammers "son, are your parents home?"

The boy replies "what the fuck do you think?"

 

[MJBadger]

A woman is at the funeral home giving the manager her requests for her husbands internment when the manager asks her if there are any special requests . The woman thinks about this for all of 5secs then asks the manager if her husband is suffering Rigour Mortis .
" Yes madam he is as stiff as a board ".
" Well i`d like you to snap off his cock & shove it up his arse ".
" Madam i could`nt possibly do that ".
" Not even for $5000 ? He has left me a very wealthy woman "
With that the manager opens the hubbys trouser zip , grabs his penis & cracks it off , turns him over face down pulls his trousers down over his arse & hammers the penis in with the heel of his hand , pulls his trousers back up then lays him on to his back .
The widow looks closely at her husband & with that a big fat tear rolls out of the corner of his eye , she leans in & whispers in his ear .
" See i told you it hurt you bastard " .

 

[sunset limited]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor!?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get that damn jar open.'

 

[Canniwhatsis]

A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly
beaming.
But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the fuckin dishes!!

 

[Stonefree69]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer.

Suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife. She ain't spoke to me in over two months!"

Earl spits out his chew overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over, Bubba. Women like that are hard to find."

 

[Vash]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".


The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I was at a dinner party at Hannibal Lecters house and I said
"Hannibal, I really don't like your friends!"
And he replied "So just eat the salad."

 

[5th]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why dont we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I dont like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You dont by any chance have a dentists appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

[5th]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrows final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family members death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

 

[chuckyoufarley]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Subject: China vs Italy

An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the CHINESE stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the CHINESE said to the ITALIAN, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me.
You can't beat that."

ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes." The ITALIAN said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat an ITALIAN...........[/FONT]

 

[Canniwhatsis]

ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

‘Are - my - test - results - back?’"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man has his Penis severed in a horrible accident, his doctor refers him to the plastic surgeon. The surgeon tells of a new procedure, transplanting the donated penises of people who died carrying a donor card.
He takes the man into a room with a large refrigerated cabinet full of drawers and he pulls out various drawers to let the man choose his new "organ" The last drawer he opens, extends 3 times as far as all the rest, due to the mammoth member contained therein. The man and the doc both gasp.
"That's it doc, that's the one." says the man.
"Ah, an excellent choice sir." says the doctor. "We'll have it stitched on in no time at all."
"I just have one question." says the man.
Yes sir, what's that?" asks the Doctor.
"Does it come in white?" replies the man.

 

[trichrider]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give
me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent
people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around
you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He
went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an
answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked,
"Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child
and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Biden then, went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research
and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

 

[Stoner4Life]

g1 trich, the real punchline however was Sarah (Africa is a country) Palin coming up with the answer to any spur of the moment query.