The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[sunset limited]

jesus harry.
you almost redeemed yourself for that hannibal lecter drivel.
almost.

ok, are yous ready? i've got one.



...



charlie gets a job as a boil sucker, sucking boils off of people.

his first appointment, he goes to the door, knocks, and a big fat lady answers. they go into her kitchen, she pulls up her dress, and she has a huge boil just under the left cheek of her butt.

charlie puts his mouth around the boil, and just as he starts sucking as hard as he can, she lets out a huge fart...plbbbrrrtt!!!

charlie says, "you know, lady, it's people like you that make my job disgusting."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Excuse me, just wandering

Excuse me, just wandering

A man has his Penis severed in a horrible accident, his doctor refers him to the plastic surgeon. The surgeon tells of a new procedure, transplanting the donated penises of people who died carrying a donor card.
He takes the man into a room with a large refrigerated cabinet full of drawers and he pulls out various drawers to let the man choose his new "organ" The last drawer he opens, extends 3 times as far as all the rest, due to the mammoth member contained therein. The man and the doc both gasp.
"That's it doc, that's the one." says the man.
"Ah, an excellent choice sir." says the doctor. "We'll have it stitched on in no time at all."
"I just have one question." says the man.
Yes sir, what's that?" asks the Doctor.
"Does it come in white?" replies the man.

Don't all penises cum in white?

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man decides to try his hand at ice fishing. So he goes and starts to cut a hole in the ice when he hears in a booming disembodied voice. "There are no fish down that hole!"
So he moves along to another spot, starts cutting, and again he hears "There are no fish down that hole!!"
So he moves again, starts cutting, and again he hears "There are no fish down that hole!!!"
So he looks around, looks up, seeing nobody nearby and he says "God....Is that you god??"
And the voice replies "No! It's the manager of the ice rink"

 

[5th]

...spring is right around the corner boys...

...spring is right around the corner boys...

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: youre in this together. So it wouldnt hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

[chuckyoufarley]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

 

[hup234]

What did cinderela say when she got to the ball..
arg,,arg,cough ,,gag...arg

 

[Princess Vahall]

Why did the shark eat 5 boats full of potatoes?

Because you can't eat just one potato ship.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Do you all really want me to be still? Really? Really?

 

[Weezard]

No, not really.



A.,
W.

 

[Princess Vahall]

You've been awfully quiet

 

[Hank Hemp]

That darn stoner4 hurt my little feelings. Said y'all didn't need my help with some of your, how shall I put it dumbass jokes. What did she say when she got to the balls. That's a Jr. High joke at best. Come on keep the humor at more of a hi plane. We're all stoners here. Tell your best jokes, is all I'm asking!!!

 

[5th]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life. As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "Im sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I cant believe what Im seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesnt."

 

[5th]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a young blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldnt you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

 

[MJBadger]

That's a Jr. High joke at best.

You sure do take some pleasing . Remember your affliction to all the Little Johnny jokes .

Hank , you need more Hemp .

 

[wizoo]

That darn stoner4 hurt my little feelings. Said y'all didn't need my help with some of your, how shall I put it dumbass jokes.

come on hank... all he said (in a very polite manner btw) was that your rants didn't help anyone at all!
anywayz, i know that i'm not good in tellin' jokes so i'll post one from the interwebz to get back on topic:

 

[Princess Vahall]

Hey - back off...the cranky old guy persona is cute. And he helps to keep things in line.

 

[Princess Vahall]

Hope this isn’t a repost –
A panda walks into a bar, orders a drink and tells the bartender he is looking for some action. The bartender directs him to a woman in the corner. The panda proceeds to lure the woman to her home, has sex with her and goes home. The next morning the woman is knocking on the panda’s door. You owe me money she says. The panda is confused and asks why. Because I am a prostitute, she replies. The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks up “prostitute” and finds it says “has sex for money”. The panda replies, I don’t owe you anything because I am a panda, and hands her the dictionary. The prostitute looks up “panda” and it reads “eats bush and leaves.”

 

[Canniwhatsis]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

[Species8472]

A soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

[Stonefree69]

Most sheer

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."