T
ThirstyKenny
Man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. Wife sitting on lounge. 'This is the pig ive been fking' Wife says 'but thats a duck' He replies 'I was talking to the duck'
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Expert big game hunter
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”"
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”"
Might have posted this one already. I save alot of jokes that get emailed to me to read when I'm bored. 
A man and his wife walked into a dentists office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, Im in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I dont have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
A man and his wife walked into a dentists office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, Im in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I dont have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
a couple walk in to the doctors office and sit down, the husband explains that he has been getting shooting pains all through his balls and arsehole when he shits, pisses or ejaculates.
"OK", says the doctor, "I'm going to need a semen sample, a urine sample, and an excrement sample"
The man is hard of hearing and asks his wife "What did he say?"
"Take your undies off and leave them at reception" says the wife.
"OK", says the doctor, "I'm going to need a semen sample, a urine sample, and an excrement sample"
The man is hard of hearing and asks his wife "What did he say?"
"Take your undies off and leave them at reception" says the wife.
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
G
greenmatter
somebody getting there mentor status stripped for not seeing eye to eye with someone is a fucking joke!
sad, pathetic, and hypocritical (<see aliens thread) but it is still a fucking joke!
sad, pathetic, and hypocritical (<see aliens thread) but it is still a fucking joke!
G
greenmatter
sorry folks !
it sucks when someone is bitching at you and is 100% correct dddaver! but what you want to hear and what you need to hear are two different things aren't they? thanks
i won't be bitching and moaning in the joke thread again ........ my bad
it sucks when someone is bitching at you and is 100% correct dddaver! but what you want to hear and what you need to hear are two different things aren't they? thanks
i won't be bitching and moaning in the joke thread again ........ my bad
Acts of heroism
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.
Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."
The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah."
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.
Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."
The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah."
avant gardener®
Member
As a father shark and his son are gliding up to a bunch of people frolicking in the ocean, the father says, "First we'll swim around them a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing."
After they do it, the father says, "Now we'll swim around them a few times with our fins sticking all the way out of the water."
After they do that, the father says, "Now we'll eat everybody."
After they've eaten everybody, the son says, "Pop, why didn't we just eat them right away? What was with all that swimming around them nonsense?"
The father says, "Because they're much tastier when there's no shit inside."
After they do it, the father says, "Now we'll swim around them a few times with our fins sticking all the way out of the water."
After they do that, the father says, "Now we'll eat everybody."
After they've eaten everybody, the son says, "Pop, why didn't we just eat them right away? What was with all that swimming around them nonsense?"
The father says, "Because they're much tastier when there's no shit inside."
avant gardener®
Member
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "Whats this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on Observation. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
It's kinda creepin' me out...but halfway though reading this, "Hank would like this" popped into my head....
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susies father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susies room. Its bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? Youre not old enough to get a job. Youll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. Thats about 60 bucks a month, and thatll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldnt have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susies father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susies room. Its bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? Youre not old enough to get a job. Youll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. Thats about 60 bucks a month, and thatll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldnt have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
Johnny & Susie got me thinking on one i heard many yr ago .
Johnny & Susie are 8yr old & in class when the teacher says to the whole class .
" Any question you want to ask me i will answer ? "
Little Johnny says " How old do you have to be to have babies ?
Well thats a difficult question because although the body may not be developed fully some girls can become pregnant at twelve & some boys can become fathers at eleven .
Johnny says , So theres no chance of an 8yr old getting a girl pregnant then ?
Teacher says , No thats far to young .
Johnny looks over at Alice & says "See i told you you daft bitch i ain`t gotta wear a condom when we are shagging "
Johnny & Susie are 8yr old & in class when the teacher says to the whole class .
" Any question you want to ask me i will answer ? "
Little Johnny says " How old do you have to be to have babies ?
Well thats a difficult question because although the body may not be developed fully some girls can become pregnant at twelve & some boys can become fathers at eleven .
Johnny says , So theres no chance of an 8yr old getting a girl pregnant then ?
Teacher says , No thats far to young .
Johnny looks over at Alice & says "See i told you you daft bitch i ain`t gotta wear a condom when we are shagging "
Creepy but funny.
How to install a Southern Home Security System
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba, Me and Virgil, T-Bone, and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and a gallon of sweet tea. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba, Me and Virgil, T-Bone, and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and a gallon of sweet tea. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
Latest posts
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The Real History Of Northern Lights, Written By The Guys Who Did It- Latest: CharlesU Farley
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Latest posts
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The Real History Of Northern Lights, Written By The Guys Who Did It
- Latest: CharlesU Farley
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