The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

MY mate just got himself a new car. It's a Ford Clitoris.
It's actually a ford fiesta but we call it the Clitoris because every ****s got one.

 

[dansbuds]

NOAH !!!! yes lord ???

NOAH !!!! yes lord ???

NOAH TODAY
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is theArk?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit." "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future cost of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it !!!! "

 

[Hank Hemp]

gees how many ways have we heard that tired one???

 

[Stonefree69]

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each other’s company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, “I know we are both old and can’t do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?”

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man’s penis.

One day the man didn’t show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman’s hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, “We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don’t?”

“Parkinsons!” replied the old man with a smile.

 

[dddaver]

MY mate just got himself a new car. It's a Ford Clitoris.
It's actually a ford fiesta but we call it the Clitoris because every ****s got one.

I highly resen....resemble that remark....The fiesta part, not the **** part.....well, maybe that too by some accounts.

 

[trichrider]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her PUSSY CAT.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion...

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously had seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in aloud voice said:

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it,
and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door
.
The silence was deafening.

 

[mpd]

My wife has been giving me the silent treatment.






For some stupid reason she thinks this is a punishment.

 

[mpd]

Men have feelings too...


Just today I was feeling hungry.

 

[ZZTops]

GOOD: A Bend ,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

 

[ZZTops]

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

 

[ZZTops]

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

 

[Lowman]

Wong Chow calls into work and says, 'I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..'

The boss says, 'You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great...
I be at work soon.....You got nice house.'

 

[Harry Gypsna]

The kids get home from school, and ask mum what's for tea.
"Findus Lasagne" answers mum, followed by "Why the long faces?"



A small corner shop has a sign outside,
"Special offer Findus Lasagne, buy one get 3 free, hurry though because they won't be there furlong"

 

[Stoner4Life]

gees how many ways have we heard that tired one???

how hard was that knock to the noggin Hank? you're bitchin' about a joke that got a 9 out of 9 Helpful post tally bro.

 

[Hank Hemp]

It still ain't any thing new. Just a retelling of a tired old joke.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

I went to a friends house and they were having their tea, I asked "What are you having?"
"Findus Lasagne" answered my friends wife, "Why, do you want some?"
So I said "Neigh"

 

[Stoner4Life]

It still ain't any thing new. Just a retelling of a tired old joke.

Life can really be a bitch if ya ain't recycling some laughs Hank.

 

[Vash]

An elderly Lady called 911 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Disgruntled consumers have gathered outside the headquarters of Findus to protest the horsemeat lasagne scandal.
Some of them have shouted themselves horse.

 

[Hank Hemp]

Life can really be a bitch if ya ain't recycling some laughs Hank.

You know you could be applying yourself to a few Good jokes like Harry Gypsna but nooo.