The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[barnyard]

IRISH VIAGRA...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

two peanuts were walking down the street...

one was a salted.

 

[draco]

ok then

did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

 

[Princess Vahall]

A man comes home drunk to his irate wife with a duck under his arm. He says, "Look at the pig I've been fucking." His wife screams, "That's not a pig, it's a duck." The husband replies, "I was talking to the duck."

 

[BornToBeWild]

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

[kmk420kali]

The only thing better than playing with your kids...is playing with the box they came in!!

 

[billycw]

How can you tell when a homeless girl is on her period? Shes only wearing one sock

 

[BornToBeWild]

little boy goes to school and he has his cat with him. the teacher asks "why did you bring your cat to school with you?" the little boy replies "dad told mom after i left for school he was gonna eat the pussy!"

 

[Chamba]

the person who first thought up the saying " It's better to give than receive" never had blow-jobs in mind.

 

[billycw]

What do you call a hispanic midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay

 

[5th]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[5th]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

 

[joe fresh]

i just seen this in a fail video

my penis is so big that if i laid it out on the key board it would go from A to Z

 

[trichrider]

Old dude goes to Doctor

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said; "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said; "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied; "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked; "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pee out of it", he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

[kmk420kali]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. ‘Hello!... Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, She heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing ... 'Vote for Barack Obama.
Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive!'

 

[SpayceRayce]

Hear about the new Whitney Houston Bubble Bath?

You have to keep it on the shelf for 20 yrs, then when you pour it into the bath, it just sinks to the bottom and does nothing. May cause tears in people with no lives.

 

[Luv a Grow]

I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, "I'm not happy". To which I replied, "Which one are you then?"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, "Does this taste funny to you?".

Conjunctivitus.com. Thats a site for sore eyes!

 

[nobull56]

INTERNET WARNING:

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"
don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

 

[nobull56]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?"

 

[RudeDog]

What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked this Valentines Day?




Whitney's crack pipe