The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Endo]

SOPRANO PHILOSOPHY JOKE
Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own frickin' business!"

 

[Endo]

OUT GOLFING JOKE
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit.9Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next? "

The frog reply, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."





BETWEEN YOUR LEGS
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. When the daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the girl was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is riding in the buggy with the daughter, he said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother and says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter answers, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!"

 

[Endo]

ASTING GAME JOKE
One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she would blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they had to guess what it was.

She gave the first student a slice of apple and said, "What do you taste?" "An apple", the student said. "Very good," says the teacher.

She gave the second student a slice of pear and said, "What do you taste?" "I'm not sure." said the student, so the teacher gave him another slice. "Now do you know?" asked the teacher. "I think it's a pear" the student said. "Very good," says the teacher.

The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss. "What do you taste?" asked the teacher. Now this student saw that by not knowing, you get more of the same, so she said "I'm not sure." Sure enough, she got another piece. "I'm still not sure." she said after eating the second piece.

The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and said, "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy before bed."

From the back of the line little Johnny shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!"

 

[Endo]

BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE ( BY A WOMAN )PT1 JOKE
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked on high
school girls - if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone
with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior
to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't
get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I
have to "kiss it good morning".

 

[Endo]

BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE (MAN'S REBUTTAL)PT2 JOKE
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef"
mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it
and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth
is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste , but trust me when I tell you
that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your
mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had
better.

11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. I If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[Endo]

3 VIRGIN DAUGHTERS JOKE
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all
getting married within short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long.King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

 

[Hundred Gram Oz]

Short but funny.

Why do women have legs?.......

Ans: Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes

ps I'm not sexist hehe

 

[facelift]

I would like to introduce a new term called, "Wake n' Belch". Just what every active alcoholic needs! I know it's corny and insulting to some, but that's what jokes are. Even a knock knock joke with oranges and banana, have a bit of sarcasm. And eventually we are happy the joke is over.

 

[Endo]

ISN'T THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WONDERFULLY CONFUSING???


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?

It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge"?

"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?

"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?

"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?

"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?

"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?

"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

 

[MMAJAY]

A sick joke i heard on tv stand up.

A sick joke i heard on tv stand up.

Two gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when all of a sudden a big load of cum rises to the top. The one gay guy looks at the other and asks??? Did YOU FART???????

 

[Mrs.Pthway]

Two gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when all of a sudden a big load of cum rises to the top. The one gay guy looks at the other and asks??? Did YOU FART???????

Love it!!!!

 

[Endo]

amily Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

Time to Gogh..............

 

[nobull56]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18, she whispers.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they...'

 

[nobull56]

Attention Older Citizens

Attention Older Citizens

Attention Older Citizens
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the U.S. Government has decided to implement a program to put workers* 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for*the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as*the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early*Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
*
Persons who are not RAPED, and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The*Government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT given to citizens..
*
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT*you can handle.

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel* has benn turned OFF!!

 

[Dr Dog]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:





CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
H*A*N*D J*O*B: $100. 00



Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.





'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'





'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the h*a*n*d-jobs?'





'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.'





The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'

 

[Endo]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'


6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'


9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'


10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'


11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'

 

[Endo]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'- She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER'- She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'


3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'- She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITYIMPAIRED.'


7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY'- She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.'


8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'


9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'


11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'


12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 

[YosemiteSam]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

 

[Endo]

Summer Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Thursday August 27, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM...

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials..
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[Kola Radical]

Post your favorite joke

Post your favorite joke

Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

A: It's the one stamped "Idaho."