BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc. One point to BEER
1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it. One point to BEER
20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER
Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc. One point to BEER
1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it. One point to BEER
20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER
Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA
C
Cinderella99
Why I Fired My Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning...
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning...
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
JoJoDancer
Member
Three Proofs that Jesus was ...
JEWISH:
1.He went into his father's business
2.He lived at home until the age of 33
3.He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
IRISH:
1.He never got married.
2.He never held a steady job
3.His last request was for a drink
ITALIAN:
1.He talked with his hands
2.He had wine with every meal
3.He worked in the building trades
BLACK:
1.He called everybody brother
2.He had no permanent address
3.Nobody would hire him
CALIFORNIAN:
1.He never cut his hair
2.He walked around barefoot
3.He invented a new religion
REDNECK:
1.His friends were all fishing buddies
2.He ate laying on the couch
3.He showed up four days late to his best friend's funeral
JEWISH:
1.He went into his father's business
2.He lived at home until the age of 33
3.He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
IRISH:
1.He never got married.
2.He never held a steady job
3.His last request was for a drink
ITALIAN:
1.He talked with his hands
2.He had wine with every meal
3.He worked in the building trades
BLACK:
1.He called everybody brother
2.He had no permanent address
3.Nobody would hire him
CALIFORNIAN:
1.He never cut his hair
2.He walked around barefoot
3.He invented a new religion
REDNECK:
1.His friends were all fishing buddies
2.He ate laying on the couch
3.He showed up four days late to his best friend's funeral
JoJoDancer
Member
Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toy, wins.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toy, wins.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Smiler
Member
A hunchback is walking home from the pub through a dark and creepy cemetery, a ghostly figure appears scaring the bejesus out of him "whats that on your back" the ghost moans, "its a hump" says the hunchback, "give it to me" says the ghost, swipes at his back and removes the hump. Overjoyed the ex-hunchback runs back to the pub to tell his club footed pal, once the tale has been told the club footed man puts his glass down and hobbles in hope and at best speed to the cemetery, sure enough the ghostly apparition appears, "whats that on your back" he moans again, "Fuck all, nothing on my back" says the crippled man, "well...., here's a hump!"
How do you tell one horse from another if you are blonde?
How do you tell one horse from another if you are blonde?
A blond buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets it's ear ripped off on a barbed wire fence.
Once more she goes to the farmer for advice. He tells her to measure the two horses. She comes back and says "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse."
How do you tell one horse from another if you are blonde?
A blond buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets it's ear ripped off on a barbed wire fence.
Once more she goes to the farmer for advice. He tells her to measure the two horses. She comes back and says "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse."
JoJoDancer
Member
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.
I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.
He's still wriggling - what should I do?
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.
I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.
He's still wriggling - what should I do?
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
talking dog for sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.
C
cellardweller
THE TOP 12 INDICATORS THE ECONOMY IS BAD
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading
higher than GM and
Chrysler in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler,
Citigroup and GM,
to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are
learning their children's names.
5. The highest paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And the #1 indicator of all:
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient
funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading
higher than GM and
Chrysler in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler,
Citigroup and GM,
to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are
learning their children's names.
5. The highest paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And the #1 indicator of all:
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient
funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
TheBudFather
Active member
what has Michael J and Jack daniels got in common... both 13yo liquers.
kinda sick sorry ppl
kinda sick sorry ppl
EZlistener
Member
a stoner walking down the street sees a sign saying 'icecream any flavour' so walks into the icecream shop and says to the guy, 'any flavour at all' .
the icecream dude says 'yeh, any you want'
so the stoner says with a laugh, 'how about cheeseburger and fries flavour'
so the icecream guy says with a smile, 'i'll be back in a minute', and goes into the back, comes out a minute later and hands over the icecream cone
the stoner takes one lick and says, 'yeh, that tastes like cheeseburger, but what about the fries'
the guy says 'turn it around',
so he does, takes a lick and says,' yeh, that tastes like fries'
so then the stoner is thinking away while licking his icecream and says,
'can you make one that tastes like cherrypie and custard',
the dude looks at the stoner with a smile and tells him he'll be back in a minute and goes out back
he comes back a minute later and gives the stoner his cone, he takes one lick and is amazed, he says, 'i can taste the cherrypie but what about the custard'
the guy says 'turn it around', he does and it tastes like custard,
'can you make one that tastes like a vagina'
the dude looks at him and says, 'you know what, i like a challenge, i'll be back in a minute', and goes out back
he comes back a minute later and gives the stoner his cone, he takes one lick and says, 'uurrrgghh, that tastes like shit', and the dude says, 'turn it around'.
well it was funny when i heard it
the icecream dude says 'yeh, any you want'
so the stoner says with a laugh, 'how about cheeseburger and fries flavour'
so the icecream guy says with a smile, 'i'll be back in a minute', and goes into the back, comes out a minute later and hands over the icecream cone
the stoner takes one lick and says, 'yeh, that tastes like cheeseburger, but what about the fries'
the guy says 'turn it around',
so he does, takes a lick and says,' yeh, that tastes like fries'
so then the stoner is thinking away while licking his icecream and says,
'can you make one that tastes like cherrypie and custard',
the dude looks at the stoner with a smile and tells him he'll be back in a minute and goes out back
he comes back a minute later and gives the stoner his cone, he takes one lick and is amazed, he says, 'i can taste the cherrypie but what about the custard'
the guy says 'turn it around', he does and it tastes like custard,
'can you make one that tastes like a vagina'
the dude looks at him and says, 'you know what, i like a challenge, i'll be back in a minute', and goes out back
he comes back a minute later and gives the stoner his cone, he takes one lick and says, 'uurrrgghh, that tastes like shit', and the dude says, 'turn it around'.
well it was funny when i heard it
swampy_nz
Member
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
GivaDogaBone
Member
Polish airliner crashes into cemetery, over 3000 dead and still recovering bodies.
