The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stoner4Life]

This guy gets stopped by the cops and is asked if he's been drinking.
"Well yes I have" he says... "How did you know officer? Was I swerving
or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the cop, "but what in the hell else can explain that butt
ugly broad sitting next to you."

 

[facelift]

I'm still on this porno kick, and I recent saw Superbad for the 1st time a few days ago. Very funny.

So I went camping at a state park this weekend. It was too expensive to be a good deal. Yes, there's electric, showers, flush toilets, but the family too sites started creating a lot of noise and commotion during quiet time. From what I could grasp, Anna was getting angry with her brother Danny. He was ignoring her. At some point Anna yelled, "Forget you and forget quiet time, I'm telling mommy. Mom! Danny is ignoring me.". Her mother shouted, Danny, talk to your sister., Danny replied, "But it's quiet time.". "You weren't so concerned about quiet time last night when you were running around naked and laughing out loud."

In town wasn't much better. There's a toy store and a music shop. The owner of the music shot had taken apart an old Jack in the Box and was retuning the metal fork that played the music. I had to ask the clerk what he was doing. He asked me when was the last time I laughed at one of these, and I couldn't think of a time prior to becoming conscious where I had laughed at a Jack in the box.

He put the toy back together, and told me to turn try it out. The box started playing the melody, "All Around The Mulberry Bush", but when it got to,"Pop Goes The Weasel", the melody had been changed to, "My Dick In A Box". A Saturday Night Live spoof of a Justin Timberlake song called "Box In A Box or something like it. The little doll popped out of the box and it have a little white box that was being held out in front of it near the pelvis area.

 

[Stoner4Life]

So Joe gets a new assignment at a US Marine base on a small island in the south pacific, when he gets there he's made aware that there are no women on the island just the 15 or so soldiers. He finally asks one guy what they do for sexual gratification and is told that there's a small population of gorillas on the island and that once a week one lucky grunt gets to wear a gorilla suit they've made & gets to go out into the forest and select a female gorilla to fuck. Aghast he thinks he's being put on and has no intention of being the brunt of everyones joke. About 3 months into his stay there he finally decides to try the gorilla suit on and have a go.......
He slips quietly into the woods and finds a female gorilla willing to respond to his advances when he suddenly hears giggling & laughing coming from behind some bushes. Quick as hell Joe jumps up and starts yelling at the guys accusing them of humiliating him in this way. The laughing finally dies down and Joe hears one of the guys say, "Jesus Joe, there are about 60 female gorillas on this island and you hadda go and pick out the ugliest one of them."

 

[treehuggers]

There was Johnny. He grew into John. Got a girl named Wendy. They were in love and he tatooed her name on his penis. When his penis was strait, tatoo said Wendy, when it was shrinked, it sad WY.
In a cople of years, John goes to army and he survives. The last day he and the other solders got drunk and because of the tight space John is pissing right next to afroamerican general. He asks him, what does WY stands for on his dick. John streches it and reads "Wendy". He looks at the generlas dick and says "Wow you got a wife named Wendy too??" General reply... "oh no", he streches the skin and reads "Welcome to the beautiful island of Jamaica and have a nice day!"

 

[treehuggers]

What to you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a car?
Flatman and Ribbon

 

[Ronley]

Joke: Pregnancy

Joke: Pregnancy

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, 'Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

'Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.'

'If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

Stunned at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You'll try again, right?'

 

[The Conundrum]

LMMFAO ... (as Herb chants Breathe Breathe)

 

[Kinimod]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, 'Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

'Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.'

'If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

Stunned at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You'll try again, right?'

Omfg. I'm drunk. There for my attention span is short.. but you got me on this one. holy fuck. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Classyathome]

Excellent - never saw it coming...

Thanks

 

[nycdfan042]

if i was the old rich dude id pay for the abortion..duhhhhh

 

[ScrogHog]

Great one definitely not what i was expecting. Need more light hearted moms like this!

 

[southflorida]

funny as shit....lmfao.....sadly this might be a real response for many parents

 

[Kinimod]

funny as shit....lmfao.....sadly this might be a real response for many parents

Ensuring their child's future? HELL YES.

 

[southflorida]

its better an old fart with money...than a young mofo with nothing to his name....and I say that as a parent of a 23 year old daughter...lmfao

 

[Endo]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and the blonde took the door.
After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The brunette responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the redhead said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door.
The blonde quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

 

[buckeye-leaf]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[buckeye-leaf]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[Slim Pickens]

Five old friends (4 men and 1 woman) decided to take a deep sea fishing charter.The day was a successful one with everyone catching their limit.As the charter boat was heading back to port,a squall came up that quickly turned into a major storm.The boat was blown off course by the heavy winds,and eventually was run aground on the reef surrounding a small island.(somewhat akin to Gilligans Island).The days turned to weeks,and the weeks turned to months,and although they were all good friends,eventually the lack of male/female interaction caused the men to start bickering between them over the female in the group.

Being as they were all good friends,they finally agreed that each man would "marry" the female for a week,and then the next would marry her for a week,and so on.This plan worked very well for several years,until the female suddenly died.

The first week was no problem.

The second week wasn't too bad.

The third week started to get a little difficult.

The fourth week it got pretty bad.

The fifth week got really bad.

The sixth week it was so bad that they finally had to..





bury her.

 

[Endo]

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone. ha)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[chubbynugs]

My homie fats sent me this text a while back "Hey dog there is someone here that is talking mad shit on you. He's over here telling everyone you like dick sandwiches. Don't worry i got your back though, i told him you don't even like bread."