C
cellardweller
yuk yuk 
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
C
cellardweller
Fingaz2 said:
I only like my martinis' dry, thank you...
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New
York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100
years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California
> archaeologists have found traces of
> > 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded
> that their ancestors
> > already had an advanced high-tech communications
> network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
> >
> > One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in
> > Kentucky, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn
> > field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
> > found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years
> ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless.
> >
York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100
years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California
> archaeologists have found traces of
> > 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded
> that their ancestors
> > already had an advanced high-tech communications
> network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
> >
> > One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in
> > Kentucky, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn
> > field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
> > found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years
> ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless.
> >
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your fath er, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass '.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your fath er, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass '.
HELLO OPERATOR
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
Samsung Electronics
Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
Samsung Electronics
Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
Husband and wife are having sex. all of a sudden their son walks in on them. The son is flabbergasted but stands there gawking. The father not sure what to do turns to his son and says "son, please go down stairs and wait for me. we'll discuss this in a minute". After a while the father goes down stairs, opens up the door to the den and there's his son having sex with his grandmother. the father yells "what the hell are you doing to your grandmother?" the son looks at his dad with a stern look and says "Its not so damn funny when its your mother, is it?"
So little Johnny asks his mom one day, "Mommy, why are you white and I'm black?" "Oh honey" moms says, "that was one helluva party, let's just be glad that you don't bark."
> Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
> His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
> Mentors, flash cards,
> Special learning centers. In short, everything
> They could think of to help his math..
>
> Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
> Zachary down and enrolled him
> In the local Catholic school. After the first
> Day, little Zachary came home with a very
> Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother
Hello.
> Instead, he went straight to his room and
> Started studying. Books and papers were spread
> Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
> His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
>
> To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back
> To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
> Hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
> For some time, day after day, while the mother
> Tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally ,
little
> Zachary brought home his report
> Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
> Room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
> His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
> Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no
> Longer hold her curiosity.
> She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?
> Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and
> Shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied,
> Was it the b o ok s, the discipline, the structure, the
> Uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
>
> Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on
> The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to
> The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
>
> His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
> Mentors, flash cards,
> Special learning centers. In short, everything
> They could think of to help his math..
>
> Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
> Zachary down and enrolled him
> In the local Catholic school. After the first
> Day, little Zachary came home with a very
> Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother
Hello.
> Instead, he went straight to his room and
> Started studying. Books and papers were spread
> Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
> His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
>
> To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back
> To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
> Hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
> For some time, day after day, while the mother
> Tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally ,
little
> Zachary brought home his report
> Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
> Room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
> His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
> Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no
> Longer hold her curiosity.
> She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?
> Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and
> Shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied,
> Was it the b o ok s, the discipline, the structure, the
> Uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
>
> Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on
> The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to
> The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
>
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playingwith his manhood slowlystroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left italone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'
Lying in bed,his new bride is playingwith his manhood slowlystroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left italone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'
by W. Byron Wilkins
R
Rifman
so there are two ladies sitting on a bench breastfeeding each their kid.
one of the ladies has huuge knockers, the other one has little ones.
after a while feeding, the kid on the tiny tits looks over to the other one on the huge ones and says;
-"Hey buddy! you know, you're supposed to suck, not blow!!!"
one of the ladies has huuge knockers, the other one has little ones.
after a while feeding, the kid on the tiny tits looks over to the other one on the huge ones and says;
-"Hey buddy! you know, you're supposed to suck, not blow!!!"
What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall???????????????????
DAMN
How do you make a kleenex dance???????????????????????????????????????????
PUT A LITTLE BOOGIE IN IT.
Can you tell, i have a young son. Who prob spells better than me, and thats no joke.
DAMN
How do you make a kleenex dance???????????????????????????????????????????
PUT A LITTLE BOOGIE IN IT.
Can you tell, i have a young son. Who prob spells better than me, and thats no joke.
Obama dies and goes to the pearly gates where he meets St Peter. When he walks up St Peter asks him. "I just have two questions for you. First Have you committed any sins and second Who are you?"
"Well of course I've committed sins, hasn't everyone?"
"Fair enough, then the second question. Who are you?"
"Well, I am Barack Obama"
"Ok let me see" and St Peter begins looking through a list, after a minute he says "Well, I don't see you on this list. What did you do on earth" and Obama proudly replies "I was the president"
"Oh I see" and St Peter starts looking through a different list after another minute he says "that's funny I don't see you on this list either. How long were you president?"
Obama looks down at his watch and says "Oh, about fifteen minutes"
"Well of course I've committed sins, hasn't everyone?"
"Fair enough, then the second question. Who are you?"
"Well, I am Barack Obama"
"Ok let me see" and St Peter begins looking through a list, after a minute he says "Well, I don't see you on this list. What did you do on earth" and Obama proudly replies "I was the president"
"Oh I see" and St Peter starts looking through a different list after another minute he says "that's funny I don't see you on this list either. How long were you president?"
Obama looks down at his watch and says "Oh, about fifteen minutes"
A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Wal-Mart"
more 1977 cartoons,
some of you oldsters might recognize this artists style.......
by W. Byron Wilkins
70s humor, you hadda be there.......
some of you oldsters might recognize this artists style.......
by W. Byron Wilkins
70s humor, you hadda be there.......
