C
cellardweller
LMFAO!!
Im hangin in there sunshine...
Im hangin in there sunshine...
Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Very Drunk
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
C
cellardweller
A womens asshole is like a 9 volt battery....................You know you shoudn't lick it, but you do anyway.
Pretty Pussy
John gets home from work one day and finds his pretty blonde wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."
John gets home from work one day and finds his pretty blonde wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains t hat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a chec k and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains t hat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a chec k and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
so theres a garden right... it has 2 statues in it... one of a naked man and one of a naked woman... so this angel decides to bring them to live and give them 30 minutes to do whatever they wanted... so he does that tells them whats up and they go into the bushes and the bushes move around a bunch and they come out after 15 minutes and are like wow that was so exilariting and the angel is like well you have 15 minutes left you want to try that again... and they are like yea... but the girl looks at the guy and says ok this time you hold the pigeon down and i'll shit on it.
yea... thats all I got
yea... thats all I got
Cussing In Church
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, 'I
would like to join this damn church.'
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'
'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him
of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?'
There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money.
'I see...' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time???'
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, 'I
would like to join this damn church.'
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'
'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him
of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?'
There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money.
'I see...' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time???'
rightwingblazer
Member
Oprah winfrey goes to a sex therapist for some problems she is having.
the dr. says " ok, first take off all your clothes and get on all fours". Oprah says " ok" and does it.
the dr. points and says " ok, crawl to that corner of my office" Oprah crawls.
the dr. then points to the exact opposite side of the room and says" ok, now crawl over here". Oprah crawls.
the dr. then points and says "ok now crawl to the center of that wall". Oprah crawls.
finally Oprah is tired of crawling and says "dr. what does this have to do with my sex therapy"?
the dr. says "nothing, i just bought a new black leather couch and i cant figure out where to put it".
thank you, thank you. dont forget to tip your waitress.
the dr. says " ok, first take off all your clothes and get on all fours". Oprah says " ok" and does it.
the dr. points and says " ok, crawl to that corner of my office" Oprah crawls.
the dr. then points to the exact opposite side of the room and says" ok, now crawl over here". Oprah crawls.
the dr. then points and says "ok now crawl to the center of that wall". Oprah crawls.
finally Oprah is tired of crawling and says "dr. what does this have to do with my sex therapy"?
the dr. says "nothing, i just bought a new black leather couch and i cant figure out where to put it".
thank you, thank you. dont forget to tip your waitress.
a guy goes to the doc and the doc says you gotta stop mastubating and the guy says to the doc why and the doc says cuz im trying to examine you
guy goes to the doc and is wear pants made of cellophane and the doc says i can clearly see your nuts
guy goes to the doc and is wear pants made of cellophane and the doc says i can clearly see your nuts
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
wiesiekborowski
Member
Cow is sitting by the river smoking a blunt, while Beaver comes along.
- Hey, Cow what you smoking there?
- Cannabis, you want some?
- Yes, why not, but You know, I've never really smoked marijuana before...
- It's simple, just take a hit and hold in your lungs as long as you can.
Beaver toke and walked away. He met Hippo.
- Hey Beaver, whats up, why are you smiling?
- I smoked some mary jane with Cow by the river, good shit man.
Hippo was a pothead, and dry at the moment, so he walked directly to the river bank.
Cow saw Hippo coming along, squinted her eyes, then stood up and yelled:
- BEAVER!... BEAVER!!! ... EXHALE!!!
- Hey, Cow what you smoking there?
- Cannabis, you want some?
- Yes, why not, but You know, I've never really smoked marijuana before...
- It's simple, just take a hit and hold in your lungs as long as you can.
Beaver toke and walked away. He met Hippo.
- Hey Beaver, whats up, why are you smiling?
- I smoked some mary jane with Cow by the river, good shit man.
Hippo was a pothead, and dry at the moment, so he walked directly to the river bank.
Cow saw Hippo coming along, squinted her eyes, then stood up and yelled:
- BEAVER!... BEAVER!!! ... EXHALE!!!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Three old ladies, Millie, Mabel, and Gerty were sitting on
a park bench and visiting with each other when a man
in a trenchcoat began to approach them, he stopped just
a couple of feet away from them and threw open his coat
exposing himself to the old gals.......
Well Millies eyes rolled up in her head & she had a stroke!
And just a few seconds later Mabel had a stroke as well.
Well, that poor gal Gerty was just a bit too old and feeble
and tried her hardest but she just couldn't reach out that far.......
C
cellardweller
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ..
C
cellardweller
Um,Grandma..?
C
cellardweller
crunchy outside yummy inside?
