Joke of the day

[Switcher56]

A place to post jokes.

There use to be one, be damned if I can find it... so here we go.

I got pulled over on Hwy 21 for doing 15 km over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my car, i rolled my windows down.

My adorable and apparently incredibly smart 4 yr old Grandson, started screaming from the backseat,

“It’s coming out! I can’t hold it any longer Grandpa! It’s almost here! Grandpaaaaaaa!!!”

The officer is hearing him scream this and leans in the window and asks him,

“What’s going on here?”

My grandson looks him Dead in the face and says,

“I’ve got poop coming outta my bum!”

The officer started laughing. I looked like I was about to cry. He asked how far I had to go, which was about 3 kilometres to home. He told me to drive safe and get the little guy home to do his business. He could not stop laughing.

As soon as we pulled away I asked,

“What was that all about?”

This kid smirked and said,

“I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work.”

I said, “So You're not pooping?”

He said, “Nope and you're not in trouble either.”

 

[Creeperpark]

Thats what some women say when they don't want to have sex. It works very well.

 

[Switcher56]

... some being the operative word

 

[St. Phatty]

Not sure whether to post this in the Trump thread or this thread.

His "Joke of the Day" is,

"Well, I think if they win, I should get all the credit. If they lose, I should not be blamed at all."

If you think that does not sound Arrogant, you might be a Trump Supporter.

Trump: Thank Me If Republicans Win, Don’t Blame Me If They Lose!

The figurehead of the GOP pretends he’s not the figurehead of the GOP when it comes to the election.

newrepublic.com

 

[armedoldhippy]

The Chump is the punchline to nearly every joke these days.

 

[Microbeman]

I would tell a fabulous joke here but I fear the OP has me on ignore and my humour would fall on deaf ears.

 

[buzzmobile]

What's green and slimy and hangs in trees?

 

[Microbeman]

What's green and slimy and hangs in trees?

You.

 

[buzzmobile]

You.

I'm not slimy, but giraffe snot is.

I'm sorry about your shade.

 

[Microbeman]

I'm not slimy, but giraffe snot is.

I'm sorry about your shade.

What? I have lots of shade.

 

[buzzmobile]

I have lots of shade.

Magenta not sombra.

 

[Microbeman]

Asesino de sombras morado

 

[buzzmobile]

I named a black cat Asesino. He was a cool cat.

 

[CharlesU Farley]

Been doing a very deep dive down the rabbit hole about Nevil and found this joke highly appropriate, given my age. It's long a long read but worth the effort, especially if you're an old geezer:

Don't mess with old men

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to.

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

N.

 

[armedoldhippy]

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

luck plays a part as well, but...yeah.