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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Only Ornamental

Only Ornamental

Spiritually inspired agnostic mad scientist
Veteran
@Bfs: I hope for you and your wife that she's not Italian...
Ever smelled the Adriatic sea around Venice, especially in summer? *Wretch!* :D
 
idiit

idiit

Active member
Veteran
joke about a sadist and a masochist

Hit me! Beat me! Kick me!” the masochist pleads with the sadist. The sadist smiles a cruel smile and slowly answers: “No!”
Click to expand...
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
m1.jpg

m2.jpg

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Only Ornamental

Only Ornamental

Spiritually inspired agnostic mad scientist
Veteran
I wonder how such a stupid person could become so terribly rich AND drag a secretary maybe half his age but can't afford A: a reporter fluent in proper English, B: a maid who knows how to work, C: a new house without a loan, and D: a moving company who realises that the stuff they move is about to rot badly...
 
Stonefree69

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
mr.brunch

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"
 
T

tropicannayeah

Mr Brunch..that Grandfather/ladder joke is a good one, here's another Grandfather joke (that's been posted more than once in this thread), this one is a classic ....

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather did.........not screaming crazily like all his 39 passengers in his bus as he drove over the cliff"
 
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mr.brunch

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
Or.....
My grandpa was very ill recently. we tried covering his back with lard- but after this he went downhill very quickly
 
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