An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him,
"Hey, buddy, why the long face?"
To this the horse replied,
"It's my wife; Nag, Nag, Nag all the time!"
Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I sure feel safer now that She's behind bars. O.J. and Kobe are walking around, Scott Peterson's going to be soon, but they go and take the ONE woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard, and haul her ass to JAIL!?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey sitting on his shoulder and orders a beer.
The bartender starts to pour the beer when the monkey jumps off the guy's shoulder and starts running around........
The monkey races over to another customer - grabs his drink - hurls it down then grabs the peanuts on the bar and hurls them down - jumps onto the pool table and somehow manages to swallow the cue-ball whole.......
The bartender is a bit upset and the guy says it's all his fault and that the damn monkey eats everything in sight and he will pay all the damages.....
Two weeks later the guy walks back into the bar with his monkey and the same thing happens again.
The monkey is running around and finally snatches a cherry out of the bartenders hand - shoves it up his arse - pulls it out again and eats it.....
The bartender is outraged
"You see what that monkey did - he shoved that cherry up his arse - pulled it out and ate it!"
The monkeys owner replied
"Yeah - he still eats everything in sight - but since he ate that cue-ball he measures everything first...."
good one quick.
here goes a nasty one.
a young couple and their 4 year old son live in a small one bed room apartment. to conserve space, they all share a bunk bed, with the parents on top and child on bottom. whenever the couple wanted to have sex, they used secret code talk so the child would remain un aware. they decided ham meant faster and cheese meant slower. so one night they're going at it..."cheese, ouch ouch cheese.....ham, ham ham, Ham, Ham, HAM, HAM, HAM". suddenly the kid gets up and says " mommy, daddy, stop making sandwiches, your getting maonaise all over my face. : )
keep it righteous. 420.
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle , ... "ME."
A man suspects his wife is cheating on him, so he hires the famous chinese detective me lookee yu to follow her and see what he can find out. After two weeks this report arrives.
Kind sir.
You leave house. He come house, Me watch.
He, she leave house, me follow.
He ,she get hotel. Me climb tree outside room, me watch.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
me play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Three couples are sitting around on a Sunday morning with nothing to do,so the girls decided to take the men to a new church down the road called The First Baptist Evangelical Penacostal Brotherhood Garden Crop Inc. Once inside they were so taken over by the sermon they decided to join. The reverand at that time told them that to join all they had to do was go without sex for 3 months. 3 months go by and the 3 couples are on stage for there induction and the reverand ask the first couple did you pass the test,They reply yes reverand and we want our gold wings so were gonna go another 3 months. The second couple not wanting to be out done said we want our platinum wings so were gonna go another 6 months. Then he turned to the third couple Mr And Mrs Elenbucker. Before the reverand spoke a word Mr. Elenbucker starts in"reverand before you begin I was tempted by satan." A big huss came over the crowd and the reverand ask " How Mr. Elenbucker do you know it was satan?" Mr.Elenbucker replies,well reverand I'm a truck driver by trade you see and all we do while I'm on the road is talk dirty on the cb to pass the time,me and the misses were 2 1/2 months into the test and then it happened,she dropped a can of corn in front of me and bent over to pick it up, reverand I know it was satan because she was'nt wearing any panties and it was ass all be day. Well reverand I'm sorry I could'nt hold back I took her right then and there and then he bows his head it shame. The reverand thinks for a moment and say "Mr. Elenbucker I'm sorry but rules are rules and we cannot let you in." Mr.Elenbucker smiles real big and says "Thats ok reverand,they won't let us back in WAL-MART no more either. (Clean Up Isle 9)
pedifile takes a little kid in the woods it starts to get dark and the kid say im scared
and the pedifile say your scared i have to walk out of here in the dark by MYSELF