What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the prick on the outside.
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A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister.
"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,
"She's a flautist. (Flute player Hank) She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister.
"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,
"She's a flautist. (Flute player Hank) She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!
never stand in line again
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit itshead off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis!
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis!
Unfortunately no joke
Unfortunately no joke
This Monday, the new practical course session with the master students started.
I was explaining to the two girls, that my subject was nothing pre-done and there'd be a lot left for them to decide on their own so they'd get a better insight into real scientific work.
Whereupon the blond one stared at me with a fearful look in her eyes and said 'We already heared that your topic's a bit difficult and that we have to think and reflect a lot!'. I nodded and she went on 'That scares us quite a bit...'.
Well, first I said 'Na, that'll work out fine, no worries!'... an hour later I knew she was right...
Actually, her brain reminds me a lot of the universe: Both mainly consist of vacuum and are below zero (and you don't wanna touch the few hot spots). Also, the chance finding a black hole is superior to encountering an inelligent life form. Both are shrinking and a good part of the total mass is called 'dark matter' (where no one knows what it's good for). Well, one of the differences is, that looking at the sky and the stars is great and beautiful and makes me feel unimportant and unknowing...
My hope still is a bit that, as she's manipulating potentially dangerous things in the lab (like water taps, lab coats, glass vials etc.), she might get a darwin award
....
Unfortunately no joke
This Monday, the new practical course session with the master students started.
I was explaining to the two girls, that my subject was nothing pre-done and there'd be a lot left for them to decide on their own so they'd get a better insight into real scientific work.
Whereupon the blond one stared at me with a fearful look in her eyes and said 'We already heared that your topic's a bit difficult and that we have to think and reflect a lot!'. I nodded and she went on 'That scares us quite a bit...'.
Well, first I said 'Na, that'll work out fine, no worries!'... an hour later I knew she was right...
Actually, her brain reminds me a lot of the universe: Both mainly consist of vacuum and are below zero (and you don't wanna touch the few hot spots). Also, the chance finding a black hole is superior to encountering an inelligent life form. Both are shrinking and a good part of the total mass is called 'dark matter' (where no one knows what it's good for). Well, one of the differences is, that looking at the sky and the stars is great and beautiful and makes me feel unimportant and unknowing...
My hope still is a bit that, as she's manipulating potentially dangerous things in the lab (like water taps, lab coats, glass vials etc.), she might get a darwin award
....
This Monday, the new practical course session with the master students started.
I was explaining to the two girls, that my subject was nothing pre-done and there'd be a lot left for them to decide on their own so they'd get a better insight into real scientific work.
Whereupon the blond one stared at me with a fearful look in her eyes and said 'We already heared that your topic's a bit difficult and that we have to think and reflect a lot!'. I nodded and she went on 'That scares us quite a bit...'.
Well, first I said 'Na, that'll work out fine, no worries!'... an hour later I knew she was right...
Actually, her brain reminds me a lot of the universe: Both mainly consist of vacuum and are below zero (and you don't wanna touch the few hot spots). Also, the chance finding a black hole is superior to encountering an inelligent life form. Both are shrinking and a good part of the total mass is called 'dark matter' (where no one knows what it's good for). Well, one of the differences is, that looking at the sky and the stars is great and beautiful and makes me feel unimportant and unknowing...
My hope still is a bit that, as she's manipulating potentially dangerous things in the lab (like water taps, lab coats, glass vials etc.), she might get a darwin award
Damn dude! Pass that pipe. Ya been bogarting it!
If an amnesiac gets alzheimers, does he forget that he can't remember anything?
Being an old fart on benefits, the Govt decided that I should seek part-time employment. So after much searching, I find myself a job as a Meeter & Greeter at my local B&Q (Garden Depot) - a pretty good find for any retiree. Sadly however, my employment lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Essex babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning madam and welcome to B & Q."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to snarl at me; "No, they ain't fuckin' twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fuckin' stupid?"
I smiled and calmly replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe that someone actually shagged you twice! You have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. I had to agree
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Essex babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning madam and welcome to B & Q."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to snarl at me; "No, they ain't fuckin' twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fuckin' stupid?"
I smiled and calmly replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe that someone actually shagged you twice! You have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. I had to agree
The door bell rang, I opened the door and two folks from scientology where standing there and started with something like 'Hello, sorry for intruding but we're here to help you! What do you think of God?' Well, likely not exactly the same words but you know how they go.
So I told them 'Oh, yes, you can help me! See, I'm in the middle of a satanic ritual and I still need some fresh human blood....'
Their faces went ash-grey and their eyes popped and glistened with fear. Never seen sect members leave so quickly and most importantly they never came back *harhar*.
So I told them 'Oh, yes, you can help me! See, I'm in the middle of a satanic ritual and I still need some fresh human blood....'
Their faces went ash-grey and their eyes popped and glistened with fear. Never seen sect members leave so quickly and most importantly they never came back *harhar*.
-Hey pal, your wife is really pretty, I'd love to shag her
-Whaddafuck ya saying?!!!
-Easy! I mean paying!
..................
The ventriloquist starts his routine.
- Good evenin' lassess and laddies, I'm Mr Bellychatter and this is Mr Duck Cracey.
- Good quackin' evenin' folks!
- We bring you many surprises for tonight, don't we, Mr. Duck?
- Quacking sure! We'll start with some Irishmen jokes...
At this point a man in the public rises from his seat, and he starts with angry tone
- Stop right there! I'm fakkin sick of people talkin shite 'bout my fellow countrymen!
The ventriloquist didn't expect this and started to apologize
- I'm sorry sir, i didn't mean to...
- You suddafakup, I'm talkin' to Mr Duck!
-Whaddafuck ya saying?!!!
-Easy! I mean paying!
..................
The ventriloquist starts his routine.
- Good evenin' lassess and laddies, I'm Mr Bellychatter and this is Mr Duck Cracey.
- Good quackin' evenin' folks!
- We bring you many surprises for tonight, don't we, Mr. Duck?
- Quacking sure! We'll start with some Irishmen jokes...
At this point a man in the public rises from his seat, and he starts with angry tone
- Stop right there! I'm fakkin sick of people talkin shite 'bout my fellow countrymen!
The ventriloquist didn't expect this and started to apologize
- I'm sorry sir, i didn't mean to...
- You suddafakup, I'm talkin' to Mr Duck!
25% of people rate themselves 10/10 in the sack.
I gave myself a 9.9/10 because I fell over on the dismount.
I am now officially a member of the "Mile High Club"
Flying solo does count, right?
I gave myself a 9.9/10 because I fell over on the dismount.
I am now officially a member of the "Mile High Club"
Flying solo does count, right?
twistedthreads
Active member
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore teeth"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore teeth"
Bearly Possible
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
What's the difference between a good nun and a bad student?
Not much, both are virgins... only one in the literal sense, the other in an intellectual way and one by free will, the other because the first time would hurt too much .
Not much, both are virgins... only one in the literal sense, the other in an intellectual way and one by free will, the other because the first time would hurt too much
.
L
longearedfriend
Thanks everyone, I love this thread.
Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Fuck off, you little assholes, before I come over there and rip your balls
off"!
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks? "Was that
cross enough?"
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Fuck off, you little assholes, before I come over there and rip your balls
off"!
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks? "Was that
cross enough?"
