^^^^ Now that right there is funny!
^^^^ Now that right there is funny!
Drunk Irishman;
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
2 Nuns in the bath, one turns to the other and says "Where's the soap?"
and the other Nun relies "Yes, I know!"
A beautiful young Nun in her mid 20s is riding the bus, and a punk rocker is sexually harrassing her, asking her what she keeps under her habit, and telling what he'd like to do with her wimpole. Eventually the driver intervenes and chucks the punk off the bus. As he does so, he leans down and whispers in the punks ear "If you want to shag the Nun, get yourself to the churchyard at midnight, she waits there every night for the holy spirit to come and consumate their relationship!"
So, that night the punk goes to the churchyard, and sure enough, he finds the Nun. Wearing a sheet over his head, he approaches and spookily says "whoooh, I am the holy spirit, come to make you my bride!"
The Nun replies "I have been waiting lord, but you've got me at that time of the month, so you are going to have to use the tradesmans entrance, if that's OK!"
"Fine by me!" says the punk, in his disguise as the holy spirit.
The punk drops trou, bends the Nun over, lifts her habit, and gives her a right good seeing to, up the wrong un.
When he is finished, he is feeling very clever, and really pleased with himself, so he removes his sheet, reveals his true identity and shouts "Hahaaaa, Punk rocker"
and the nun removes her habit and shouts "Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa, BUS DRIVER."
Some think this one's funny, while others see no humor in it at all:
One year it got so hot in Arizona that a field of popcorn started to pop right on the corn stalks. In an adjacent field was a herd of cattle, who upon seeing the popcorn all over the ground, thought it was snow and froze to death.
One year it got so hot in Arizona that a field of popcorn started to pop right on the corn stalks. In an adjacent field was a herd of cattle, who upon seeing the popcorn all over the ground, thought it was snow and froze to death.
L
longearedfriend
also, in times of crisis when there is no food, but there is people around
I think we are gonna eat the fattest person first
L
longearedfriend
I think popcorn popping on it's own right on the corn stalks is funny. The cattle freezing to death not so much 
.
.
Got this one from a Tom Selleck western:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman go into a pub and each orders a pint of beer. Before they get to drink their beer, a fly lands in each of their beers"
The Englishman pushes his beer away and asks for another one.
The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer.
The Irisman grabs the fly in his beer and pinches it between his fingers and yells "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman go into a pub and each orders a pint of beer. Before they get to drink their beer, a fly lands in each of their beers"
The Englishman pushes his beer away and asks for another one.
The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer.
The Irisman grabs the fly in his beer and pinches it between his fingers and yells "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
A few months back, a door to door salesman rang at our home and our little dogs went bonkas and barked like crazy and fought for being the first at the door... really awkward...
Well, I opened the door (which for obvious reason is secured by a 'baby door' so the dogs can't run onto the street) with the little barking bastards all around me when the salesman with a fearful look in his eyes glanced around the corner asked me 'And where are the dogs?'
Well, I opened the door (which for obvious reason is secured by a 'baby door' so the dogs can't run onto the street) with the little barking bastards all around me when the salesman with a fearful look in his eyes glanced around the corner asked me 'And where are the dogs?'
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! I hope is not fake INRI
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! Got any cheaper without the sportsman on?
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! Does it come with hammer and nails or must be bought apart?
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! I'll get the star and crescent, then.
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! I hope is not fake INRI
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! Got any cheaper without the sportsman on?
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! Does it come with hammer and nails or must be bought apart?
............
-Hi there, how much for that crucifix over there?
-That one goes for 50$
-50 bucks! I'll get the star and crescent, then.
Uhh... Recently, I tried to follow all of Hank's advices on how to tell a funny joke... it got me a really bad hankover the other day... Maybe I'll try again next hanksgiving...
Little known fact, Jesus christ's real name was actually Sid Periwinkle.
He was born in a barn, and he kept leaving the door open, and Joe and Mary would shout "Jesus christ, shut that fucking door"...
and it stuck.
Poor old Joseph, a good observant Jew, obeying the laws of Moses, praising god daily, and what is his reward?
Cuckolded by the almighty, thanks a fucking million Yahweh.
He was born in a barn, and he kept leaving the door open, and Joe and Mary would shout "Jesus christ, shut that fucking door"...
and it stuck.
Poor old Joseph, a good observant Jew, obeying the laws of Moses, praising god daily, and what is his reward?
Cuckolded by the almighty, thanks a fucking million Yahweh.
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Same lame joke, different ending
Same lame joke, different ending
I was driving home, browsing through this thread on my tablet and reading that joke with the midget which aren't funny (the joke and the midget) maybe for the tenth time when the car in front of me hit the breaks. That idiot! Why did he break? The f*** light was green (at least when I drove by this morning)!
Well, that guy in the other car was obviously rather stupid, so he walked up to me and, what a coincidence, he was a midget. I couldn't hold it back and started to lough like a crazy horse. The other got really pissed at that point and shouted up to my window (you guess right) 'It is not funny!'.
Whereupon I replied 'I know, I can see that. I just didn't know that Snow White's a midget too!'
What no one before me mentioned: that midget knows how to use a crowbar....
Same lame joke, different ending
I was driving home, browsing through this thread on my tablet and reading that joke with the midget which aren't funny (the joke and the midget) maybe for the tenth time when the car in front of me hit the breaks. That idiot! Why did he break? The f*** light was green (at least when I drove by this morning)!
Well, that guy in the other car was obviously rather stupid, so he walked up to me and, what a coincidence, he was a midget. I couldn't hold it back and started to lough like a crazy horse. The other got really pissed at that point and shouted up to my window (you guess right) 'It is not funny!'.
Whereupon I replied 'I know, I can see that. I just didn't know that Snow White's a midget too!'
What no one before me mentioned: that midget knows how to use a crowbar....
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him,
she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the
news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him,
she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the
news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Just think,
Mary Lincoln was taken to task for purchasing China for the White
House during the Civil War.
And Mamie Eisenhower had to shell out the salary for her personal
secretary from her husband's salary.
Total Personal Staff members for other first ladies paid by
taxpayers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------:
Mamie Eisenhower:--- One-- paid for personally out of
President's salary.
Total number of Personal Staff Members paid by Tax Payers.
Jackie Kennedy: ------- One
Rosaline Carter: --------One
Barbara Bush: ------One
Hilary Clinton: --------Three
Laura Bush: ---------- One
Michele Obama: ------- *Twenty-two *
How things have changed! If you're one of the tens of millions of
Americans facing certain destitution, earning less than subsistence wages
stocking the shelves at Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers,
prepare to scream and then come to realize that the benefit package for
these servants of MS Michelle are the same as members of the national
security and defense departments and the bill for these assorted lackeys
is paid by YOU, John Q. Public:
Michele Obama's personal staff:
One.. $172,200 - Sher, Susan (Chief Of Staff)
Two.. $140,000 - Frye, Jocelyn C.
(Deputy Assistant to the President and Director of Policy And Projects
For The First Lady)
Three.. $113,000 - Rogers, Desiree G.
(Special Assistant to the President and White House Social
Secretary for Mrs. Obama)
Four.. $102,000 - Johnston, Camille Y.
(Special Assistant to the President and Director of Communications for the First Lady)
Five.. $100,000 - Winter, Melissa
(Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief Of Staff to the
First Lady)
Six.. $90,000 Medina , David S.
(Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
Seven.. $84,000 - Lilyveld, Catherine M.
(Director and Press Secretary to the First Lady)
Eight.. $75,000 - Starkey, Frances M.
(Director of Scheduling and Advance for the First Lady)
Nine.. $70,000 - Sanders, Trooper
(Deputy Director of Policy and Project for the First Lady)
Ten.. $65,000 - Burnough, Erinn
(Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)
Eleven.. $64,000 - Reinstein, Joseph B.(Deputy Director
and Deputy Social Secretary)
Twelve.. $62,000 - Goodman, Jennifer R. (Deputy
Director of Scheduling and Events Coordinator For The First Lady)
Thirteen.. $60,000 Fitz, Alan O.(Deputy Director of
Advance and Trip Director for the First Lady)
Fourteen.. $57,500 - Lewis, Dana M.
(Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the First Lady)
Fifteen.. $52,500 - Mustaphi, Semonti M.
(Associate Director and Deputy Press Secretary To The First Lady)
Sixteen.. & nbsp; $50,000 - Jarvis, Kristen E.
(Special Assistant for Scheduling and Traveling Aide To The First Lady)
Seventeen.. $45,000 - Lechtenberg, Tyler A.
(Associate Director of Correspondence For The First Lady)
Eighteen.. $43,000 - Tubman, Samantha a
(Deputy Associate Director, Social Office)
Nineteen.. $40,000 - Boswell, Joseph J.
(Executive Assistant to the Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
Twenty.. $36,000 - Armbruster, Sally M.
(Staff Assistant to the Social Secretary)
Twenty-One.. $35,000 - Bookey, Natalie (Staff Assistant)
Twenty-Two.. $35,000 - Jackson, Deilia A.
(Deputy Associate Director of Correspondence for the First Lady)
*Total **$1,591,200 ** in annual salaries, all for someone
we did not vote for, and apparently have no control over.
There has *NEVER *been anyone in the White House at any time who
has created such an army of staffers whose sole duties are the
facilitation of the First Lady's social life. One wonders why she needs so
much help, at taxpayer expense. (I'm wondering why there are no guidelines
or restraints for this and other activities concerning our government
officials and their kin.)
i know...that wasn't funny...
Mary Lincoln was taken to task for purchasing China for the White
House during the Civil War.
And Mamie Eisenhower had to shell out the salary for her personal
secretary from her husband's salary.
Total Personal Staff members for other first ladies paid by
taxpayers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------:
Mamie Eisenhower:--- One-- paid for personally out of
President's salary.
Total number of Personal Staff Members paid by Tax Payers.
Jackie Kennedy: ------- One
Rosaline Carter: --------One
Barbara Bush: ------One
Hilary Clinton: --------Three
Laura Bush: ---------- One
Michele Obama: ------- *Twenty-two *
How things have changed! If you're one of the tens of millions of
Americans facing certain destitution, earning less than subsistence wages
stocking the shelves at Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers,
prepare to scream and then come to realize that the benefit package for
these servants of MS Michelle are the same as members of the national
security and defense departments and the bill for these assorted lackeys
is paid by YOU, John Q. Public:
Michele Obama's personal staff:
One.. $172,200 - Sher, Susan (Chief Of Staff)
Two.. $140,000 - Frye, Jocelyn C.
(Deputy Assistant to the President and Director of Policy And Projects
For The First Lady)
Three.. $113,000 - Rogers, Desiree G.
(Special Assistant to the President and White House Social
Secretary for Mrs. Obama)
Four.. $102,000 - Johnston, Camille Y.
(Special Assistant to the President and Director of Communications for the First Lady)
Five.. $100,000 - Winter, Melissa
(Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief Of Staff to the
First Lady)
Six.. $90,000 Medina , David S.
(Deputy Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
Seven.. $84,000 - Lilyveld, Catherine M.
(Director and Press Secretary to the First Lady)
Eight.. $75,000 - Starkey, Frances M.
(Director of Scheduling and Advance for the First Lady)
Nine.. $70,000 - Sanders, Trooper
(Deputy Director of Policy and Project for the First Lady)
Ten.. $65,000 - Burnough, Erinn
(Deputy Director and Deputy Social Secretary)
Eleven.. $64,000 - Reinstein, Joseph B.(Deputy Director
and Deputy Social Secretary)
Twelve.. $62,000 - Goodman, Jennifer R. (Deputy
Director of Scheduling and Events Coordinator For The First Lady)
Thirteen.. $60,000 Fitz, Alan O.(Deputy Director of
Advance and Trip Director for the First Lady)
Fourteen.. $57,500 - Lewis, Dana M.
(Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the First Lady)
Fifteen.. $52,500 - Mustaphi, Semonti M.
(Associate Director and Deputy Press Secretary To The First Lady)
Sixteen.. & nbsp; $50,000 - Jarvis, Kristen E.
(Special Assistant for Scheduling and Traveling Aide To The First Lady)
Seventeen.. $45,000 - Lechtenberg, Tyler A.
(Associate Director of Correspondence For The First Lady)
Eighteen.. $43,000 - Tubman, Samantha a
(Deputy Associate Director, Social Office)
Nineteen.. $40,000 - Boswell, Joseph J.
(Executive Assistant to the Chief Of Staff to the First Lady)
Twenty.. $36,000 - Armbruster, Sally M.
(Staff Assistant to the Social Secretary)
Twenty-One.. $35,000 - Bookey, Natalie (Staff Assistant)
Twenty-Two.. $35,000 - Jackson, Deilia A.
(Deputy Associate Director of Correspondence for the First Lady)
*Total **$1,591,200 ** in annual salaries, all for someone
we did not vote for, and apparently have no control over.
There has *NEVER *been anyone in the White House at any time who
has created such an army of staffers whose sole duties are the
facilitation of the First Lady's social life. One wonders why she needs so
much help, at taxpayer expense. (I'm wondering why there are no guidelines
or restraints for this and other activities concerning our government
officials and their kin.)
i know...that wasn't funny...
A woman is sat in her house watching Eastenders, when she hears a rumbling sound. she looks outside, and sees an articulated refrigerated lorry parking in her street. "Oi" she shouts "don't you park that fucking lorry there, I'm inside trying to watch Eastenders and all I can hear is the humming from your trailer.
"I'm very sorry madam" says the trucker "I've been driving all night and my driving time has run out, this is only place I can park before I am breaking the law."
"Oh" says the woman.
The trucker invites her into his cab for a cup of tea and they get to chatting, then things seemingly take an amorous turn.
"Can I touch your cock?" asks the woman
"Certainly" replies the man, thinking his luck is in.....
So she grabs his wang and asks "can I hold one of your balls?"
"Go ahead" says the trucker.
"Can I hold the other one?" asks the woman
Of course, help yourself." says the man
at which point the woman holding a knacker in each hand starts banging them together, screaming "Don't you park your fucking lorry there, Eastenders, don't fucking park your fucking lorry there!!!"
"I'm very sorry madam" says the trucker "I've been driving all night and my driving time has run out, this is only place I can park before I am breaking the law."
"Oh" says the woman.
The trucker invites her into his cab for a cup of tea and they get to chatting, then things seemingly take an amorous turn.
"Can I touch your cock?" asks the woman
"Certainly" replies the man, thinking his luck is in.....
So she grabs his wang and asks "can I hold one of your balls?"
"Go ahead" says the trucker.
"Can I hold the other one?" asks the woman
Of course, help yourself." says the man
at which point the woman holding a knacker in each hand starts banging them together, screaming "Don't you park your fucking lorry there, Eastenders, don't fucking park your fucking lorry there!!!"
News just in,
3 teenagers are dead after attacking a road surface with a pickaxe, and injecting powdered lumps of said road surface. reports suggest that they got the wrong end of the stick after hearing about the numbers of young people addicted to black tar......
3 teenagers are dead after attacking a road surface with a pickaxe, and injecting powdered lumps of said road surface. reports suggest that they got the wrong end of the stick after hearing about the numbers of young people addicted to black tar......
A guy notices a gorgeous woman giving him the eye in the supermarket
"Do I know you ?" he asks.
"Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" she says.
He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithfull and asks "AH HA !...Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table in 2006 , while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery whilst shoving that massive cucumber up my arse after covering me in baby oil and chocolate ??"
She stairs at him and says;
"No , I'm your daughters English teacher"
"Do I know you ?" he asks.
"Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" she says.
He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithfull and asks "AH HA !...Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table in 2006 , while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery whilst shoving that massive cucumber up my arse after covering me in baby oil and chocolate ??"
She stairs at him and says;
"No , I'm your daughters English teacher"
Are you certain that some people find this funny???
A man goes to the doctor and complains "doctor, every time I drink tea or coffee, I get a stabbing pain in one of my eyes.
"very strange." says the doc, "Why don't you malke us a cup, and we'll see if it happens and figure it out."
So the man makes a brew and sure enough, as soon as he takes a sip, the pain returns
"Ow, ow ow fucking ow" says the man.
"I think I see the problem." says the doctor.
"Really?" asks the man "Is it something that can be cured?"
"Yes, it is very simple really, TAKE THE FUCKING SPOON OUT OF YOUR CUP"
"very strange." says the doc, "Why don't you malke us a cup, and we'll see if it happens and figure it out."
So the man makes a brew and sure enough, as soon as he takes a sip, the pain returns
"Ow, ow ow fucking ow" says the man.
"I think I see the problem." says the doctor.
"Really?" asks the man "Is it something that can be cured?"
"Yes, it is very simple really, TAKE THE FUCKING SPOON OUT OF YOUR CUP"
