The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

This is a visual joke so I will do my best...


Two steelworkers are working on a skyscraper, one is at the top, one at the bottom. The man at the top shouts down to his mate and uses hand signals to indicate that he wants a 10 (shows all his fingers) foot (points at his foot) tape measure (mimes pulling a tape measure out)
and the man at the bottom pats his arse, gives 2 pelvic thrusts and makes the international symbol for masturbation, the side to side fist.

No, shouts the man at the top and he repeats his mime.
Again the man at the bottom pats his backside, thrusts his pelvis and makes the masturbation sign.
This goes on for a few minutes until the man at the top decides to go down and get the tape measure himself. When he gets to the bottom, he asks his mate WTF he was on about patting his arse etc "I want a 10 foot tape measure" he says, while demonstrating the mime for each word.
"I know" says the other bloke, "I was saying it's in your back pocket you fucking wanker"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Why do the police go around in pairs?



One of em can read and write, the other is there to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectual.

 

[Iffy]

Why do the police go around in pairs?



One of em can read and write, the other is there to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectual.

Old Chinese joke velly funny!!

 

[Iffy]

Roberts Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

 

[Dope time]

Brothers GirlFriend (?) sent me this

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
Cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem upset in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
Clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
Throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
Then Tripped over the coffee table and farted

 

[dddaver]

Bwahahaha

Obvious keeper.

 

[chuckyoufarley]

tracfone support

 

[fatburt]

when you die,you dont know your dead...it only effects those who are close to you....its the same when your stupid

 

[DamnUglyDogE]

A white dude
A black dude
A Mexican dude

All die at the same time and poof
they are standing together in front of the devil...

Devils in a good mood and offers all 3 the same choice.

You can,
Take a punishment and I will send you to heaven

Or

Stay hear (in hell)and I wont punish you...

Without a breath all 3 dudes chose a punishment and heaven.

Devil say ok then...

All 3 of you pull out your peckers...

Looking scared,they all comply...

Devil goes up to the white dude and grabs his junk.
Then the devil says melt...
Poof...
White dudes pecker melts,
poof...
white dude goes to heaven...


Devil goes up to the Mexican dude and grabs his junk.
Then the devil says melt...
Poof...
Mexican dudes pecker melts,
poof...
Mexican dude goes to heaven...


Devil goes up to the black dude and grabs his junk...
Then the devil says melt....

Nothing happen.

Devils says melt again,looking confused..
Still nothing...
Again and again,getting angry...
Hours go by....
I command you with all the evil powers that be....
MELT!!!!
Still... Nothing...

Devils on his knees and exhausted,still holding black dudes junk...

Finally he looks up at the black dude and says...

Tell you what...
You can go to heaven if you can tell
me why I cant get your junk to melt ?....

Black dude, with a smirk,says...

Fool...
Cause,
Chocolate melts in yo mouth...
Not in yo hands...
Poof...
Black dude goes to heaven....







.​

 

[GET MO]

And then the Judge said to the hoe..."when did you know you were raped?"
She sniffed...and wiping away her tears she said..."when the check bounced..."

 

[Stonefree69]

.

 

[Iffy]

A rather large young Welshman is drinking in an English pub, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the pub, announcing that his wife has just given birth to a typical Welsh baby boy. Weighing in at 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Wales boy... like I said, my boy's a typical Welsh baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player for sure and play for Wales one day!" He said proudly, raising his glass.
Congratulations showered him from all around. Many in disbelief at the claimed weight but most were marvelling at the news!

Two weeks later, he returns to the pub. The Landlord recognises him immediately and says, "Hey!, aren't you the father of that Welsh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?"
The man grinned and nodded "That's me boy! Proud as punch I am!"
The Landlord continued, "Everybody's been making bets here, about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The Landlord is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The man takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the Landlord and proudly says:

"I had him circumcised see..."

 

[trichrider]

The Old Cow


Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night
hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.


The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the
chauffeur, "Get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."



So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it appeared to be very old.

'Well,' says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer
in that lighted farmhouse over there"

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly,
his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.


"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.


The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the
daughter made love to me."


"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

"Well, I just knocked on the door..........and, when it opened, I said to
them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
>

 

[Iffy]

Horror Story.
A passenger in a London cab leaned over to ask the driver a question, tapping him on the shoulder. The driver screamed and swerved violently, nearly hitting a bus coming the other way. In a panic he hauled on the wheel, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window!
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver stuttered, "I'm sorry but you scared the bleeding daylights out of me!"
The now equally frightened passenger apologized to the driver, saying he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. You see today is my first day driving a cab.......I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[wingdings]

Why don't witches wear panties?



To get a better grip on the broomstick.

 

[Dope time]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral a voice from inside screams –

‘’ I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out! ’’

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters -

‘’ Too f**king late pal. I’ve done the paperwork ’’

 

[nobull56]

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

 

[nobull56]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar. Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I got to go home and screw the cat!"

 

[Weezard]

A mechanic was replacing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known heart doctor in the shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The Doctor, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I've finished,
it'll work just like new.
So how is it that I make 44,000 a year and you make 1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."