The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[skidoo]

Two ducks are flapping along, high up in the sky, heading south for the winter, when all of a sudden: WOOOOOSH!!!

A fighter jet screamed by them at a terrifying speed!

The one duck, wide-eyed, looked at the other one. "Holy shit!" he said.

The other duck kept looking straight ahead, flapping his wings, seemingly nonplussed. He calmly said, "I'd be moving fast myself if I had two assholes and both of them were on fire."

 

[kmk420kali]

Personally i admire sheepshaggers , they must be bloody fit coz iv`e never caught one yet , they run like hell .

Yeah, you should get there earlier...they are already hip for sloppy seconds!!

 

[Canniwhatsis]

Personally i admire sheepshaggers , they must be bloody fit coz iv`e never caught one yet , they run like hell .

Gotta wait till they mess up!

 

[Chamba]

and speaking of sheep shaggers.....

...although Australia and New Zealand have many similarities there some definite differences ...for example in Australia as in most countries we say " I love you" but in New Zealand they say "I love ewe"

 

[Hank Hemp]

That's funny

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Gotta wait till they mess up!

That is a Goat. And it looks like its underage too.

 

[Canniwhatsis]

Your WAY too picky!!!!!



LOL!

 

[Canniwhatsis]

we digress tho.




So there were 2 lesbians and a goat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SIaFtAKnqBU

 

[5th]

The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I dont have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldnt get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

 

[Canniwhatsis]

The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I dont have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldnt get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

Must have been a blond driver?

 

[5th]

Must have been a blond driver?

Not necessarily.

I know lots of stupid guys with different hair colour that would fuck a model.

 

[noyd666]

LITTLE BOY HAS DIARRHEA
AND SAYS TO HIS MOM
'' I NEED VIAGRA'' MUM
SAYS'' WHY'' LITTLE BOY SAYS'' ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU GIVE DAD
WHEN HIS SHIT WON'T GET HARD?''

 

[Stonefree69]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

 

[Capt.Ahab]

 

[STUNKY]

Good one stoner

 

[noyd666]

 

[Stonefree69]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

 

[nukklehead]

Did you here about the irishman who left the bar???

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[5th]

A girl from Georgia and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?" The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then in her Sweetest Southern Accent replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"