The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates . An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Hank Hemp]

Another Hell of a joke there Stonefree69, Did I say that?

 

[5th]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Now that's a good joke 5th.

 

[5th]

I get in, where I fit in brother.

 

[Stonefree69]

Fit man gettin' a tan

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"


Man drinking in bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.

He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket.

When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

 

[sunset limited]

ok.
things have gotten bad enough here.
i can't hold this one in any longer.
don't get mad at me.
get mad at jokes like the one before this.
sorry guys.


Little Johnny runs out into the garden and says, "Pop, Grandma fell asleep on the couch, and her nightie's open, and she's got a shrimp between her legs."

His father walks into the house, takes a look, and says, "You ignorant little shit. That's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

Johnny says, "Well, it tasted like a shrimp."

 

[Stonefree69]

Call from hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the call is free.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has already gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Jeez, a lot of negative rep on this one. Not that I'm taking sides in the joke, thought it was funny.

Maybe "Since Bush left, the country had already gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[Canniwhatsis]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[PerroVerde]

Me; So what's the difference between a pre-school and a whore house?

Dude; Uhhh, I don't know...

Me; You sick fuck!!!

 

[5th]

...and on that note...

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[sunset limited]

a guy walk up to the cashier and places his order.
"let me get a large pie with sausage and black olives."

the cashier says, "excuse me for asking sir, but you wouldn't happen to be of polish descent, would you?"

the patron replies, "as a matter of fact i am. how did you know?"

the cashier answers, "becuase this is a hardware store."

 

[Stonefree69]

Funeral procession.....

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

'What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man is looking for a job, and he sees an ad which says "Quim trimmer wanted" so he calls the number and is surprised to hear that he is applying for the job of Nicole Scherzingers very personal grooming assistant.
The person on the other end of the phone says, "The job is in Los Angeles and you will be require to work on an "As and When" basis, $3000 a month."
"That's great" says the man, "Sign me up."
"Ok" says the other person, "You will have to go to Alaska."
"Alaska?" enquires the man, "I thought the job was in LA?"
and the person replies "Yes it is, but Alasaka is where the line for interviews starts."

 

[Stonefree69]

Three nuns go to heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.

Since they've all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you've got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

 

[Hank Hemp]

That dog joke stone, that's a good one. See what you can do when you apply yourself? Good job. See I can throw the dog a bone.
Oh wow I just read that second one, gee... I may have been a little quick but the dog joke was good.

 

[Vash]

An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear her parched throat.



She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and her clothes, a young gunslinger stopped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey, Old Lady, have you ever danced?”



The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance…. Never really wanted to.”



A crowd had gathered around as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and he began to shoot towards her feet.



The woman prospector, not wanting her toes blown off, started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to head back into the saloon.



The old woman turned her pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly throughout the desert air. The crowd immediately stopped laughing.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was nearly deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.



The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands and the old woman quietly asked him, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s asshole?” The gunslinger swallowed hard and he answered, “No maam, but…. I’ve always wanted to!”

 

[Vash]

An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear her parched throat.

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and her clothes, a young gunslinger stopped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey, Old Lady, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance…. Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered around as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and he began to shoot towards her feet.

The woman prospector, not wanting her toes blown off, started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to head back into the saloon.

The old woman turned her pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly throughout the desert air. The crowd immediately stopped laughing.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was nearly deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands and the old woman quietly asked him, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s asshole?” The gunslinger swallowed hard and he answered, “No maam, but…. I’ve always wanted to!”

 

[SetHeh]

This one is a little longer, but still funny.

From the ONION:

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

The beautiful object, 17.

ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.

According to Parker’s relatives, in the span of 14 months, the high school junior underwent a staggering metamorphosis from a young girl with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations into a truly stunning commodity.

“Ashley has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said Parker’s uncle Keith Hayes, expressing astonishment at how his niece had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing thing devoid of intellect and personality. “It’s hard to believe that she used to be that little girl [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at her—she’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like her mother.”

“Seems like just yesterday she was this creative 7-year-old kid, pretending her Barbie was the first woman president,” Hayes added. “My, they grow into little more than consumer goods so quickly.”

Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”

Parker’s classmates at Wakefield High School were also reportedly captivated by the adolescent’s transition from a young woman into an eye-catching repository for male gratification. High school senior Kevin Turner said that Parker had become a particularly alluring instrument of purely physical pleasure in the months since she was a young, conscious, independent preteen girl.

“I grew up with Ashley and never thought much of her before, but over the last year or so, I really started to see her for the beautiful little piece of equipment she is,” said Turner, expressing enthusiasm for how the teen had evolved into a dazzling sexual apparatus. “I’m thinking of asking that mere receptacle to prom.”

“Take a look at it,” added Turner of the former human being. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”

Edmund Powell, Parker’s history teacher, echoed the sentiment of many pupils, claiming that he was impressed by the junior’s transformation from an honor roll student and sentient human being into a lovely piece of meat.

“Ashley used to be one of the brightest and best students in my class,” said Powell, recalling the former girl who once consisted of more than a single, surface-deep dimension. “But, wow, now you’d have to say that she’s something very special. Something very special indeed.”

While Parker’s mother Stacey was reportedly certain that her daughter would make a beautiful and unthinkingly gracious trophy someday, the 38-year-old cautioned Ashley not to get her hopes up about finding the perfect money bags right away.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Pain,
Ladies claim that childbirth is the worst pain a Human being can experience.
I say bollocks.
Try catching your cock in your zip.
The ladies mostly go back and have more kiddies, we catch our cock in our zip once and we get mum to put buttons on our trousers.