The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

A priest and a nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129? "The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129? " Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak. "Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. "MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!"


Finding Jesus...

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus? "The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am. "The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus? " the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't! " said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus? " "Noooo, I have not, Reverend. "The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet? "The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[dansbuds]

Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over timebut nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?
"I work for the IRS."

 

[bench warmer]

Phizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Canniwhatsis]

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering..........

"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

 

[Wonderon]

Re: The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

 

[HOPS5K]

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

 

[greenmatter]

a guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a beer

the bartender reaches into the cooler,grabs an apple and puts it down in front of the guy and the guy asks where the hell his shot and beer are

the bartender tells him it is all in the apple and he should just try it

they guy bites into the apple and says "that tastes like straight whiskey" the bartender tells him to turn it around and take another bite, which he does and says "wow that tastes like beer"

the guy starts munching apples as fast as he can and then another customer walks in, sits down and orders a rum and coke

the bartender puts an apple down in front of him and asks him to try it

he does and says "holy shit, that tastes like straight rum" to which the bartender responds "turn it around"

both customers are eating there apples when a third guy walks in and wonders WTF is going on ....... when they explain to him how the apples don't taste like apples he says "it would be great if you had one that tastes like pussy"

the bartender grins and places an apple on the bar. the guy picks it up, bites into it and says "man this fucking apple tastes like shit"

and the bartender says ......... TURN IT AROUND

 

[Stoner4Life]

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating a Police Officer."

 

[Stoner4Life]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' besaying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the road, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 'Oooooh!' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was a practicing Catholic!?

 

[Stoner4Life]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[PerroVerde]

What's shiny and hangs off a piece of shit?




A badge....

 

[mean mr.mustard]

That's a good one... reminds me of this one.

What is the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?

A police horse.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

So, I had one of those Tesco "beef" burgers last night. It gave me the trots.
So, I checked the rest in fridge, gave em a sniff aaaand theeeey're off. The ones in the freezer were neck and neck.
I just hope the food banks don't get saddled with em.






(Horsemeat scandal)

 

[Stonefree69]

Call from hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the call is free.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Bush left, the country had already gone to hell, so it's a local call.""

 

[Vash]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

 

[HOPS5K]

For every great man, there is a fat woman behind him making him kickass sandwiches.

 

[HOPS5K]

I was displeased when a fille de joie proceeded to descend her metacarpal into my orifice without permittance-Pretentious finger in ass joke

 

[HOPS5K]

"Not all who drink energy drinks are deuches, but all deuches drink energy drinks." - @alisonrosen @adamcarolla
Retweeted by Adam Carolla

 

[sunset limited]

^^^
hank, will you please reel this guy in?


meanwhile, back in the land of the living...


An old guy walks into a bar and sees an older women. He starts talking to her, they hit it off, and they leave to go back to her house.
On the way, she says, "I think I should tell you, I've got the arthritis."
He says, "That's okay."
When they get there they start groping each other on the couch. Their clothes come off, he goes down on her, and when he gets down there, he smells the worse smell he's ever smelled.
He comes back up and says, "What the hell is that smell down there?"
She says, "I told you, I've got the arthritis."
He says, "That's what the arthritis smells like down there?"
She says, "No, I've got it in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Gee, HOPS5K were do I start? You've got to get a better source of "jokes" or STFU. Just a minute, are you new to the English language maybe? Just saying I don't want to do a Little Johnny but I could.