The killer line should have been: Have you got any Bud?
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The killer line should have been: Have you got any Bud?
Haaaaaaaa - fuckin brilliant!
Every year the local convent have an open day to accept young women in that want to become nuns .
3 women are very interested & the mother superior tells them that they must wash any part of their body that has been touched by a man in the holy fountain .
First woman dips her fingers in the water & shakes them dry & the other 2 women laugh & say something like " Yeah i bet " or "Your having a laugh"
Second woman lifts her skirt & squats down in the water .
Third woman says " Will you fuck off i gotta gargle with that "
3 women are very interested & the mother superior tells them that they must wash any part of their body that has been touched by a man in the holy fountain .
First woman dips her fingers in the water & shakes them dry & the other 2 women laugh & say something like " Yeah i bet " or "Your having a laugh"
Second woman lifts her skirt & squats down in the water .
Third woman says " Will you fuck off i gotta gargle with that "
C
Chamba
How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She answered the iron.
another variation on that joke is..
Who said "Hello (quickly followed by screaming out loud) OUCH!"
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
She answered the iron.
another variation on that joke is..
Who said "Hello (quickly followed by screaming out loud) OUCH!"
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
Speaking for Hank and others...
remember it's the 1800s and things were way differnt then. This is a very old joke. My grandad said he heard it in the 1920s.
It's the middle 1800s and a young man and his virgin bride are driving a horse n buggy down a bumpy dirt road heading to their homestead.
The road was so bumpy and the vibrations running threw the buggy was making the bride extremely horny. She cries out "thats far enough I want you to fuck me rite here NOW!"
So he pulls the buggy over next to a small creek and they toss a blanket under a willow tree and strip down.
She being a tight virgin and he hung like a horse,they try and try to get it in but no luck.
He says I got a idea and runs back to the buggy and grabs a can from under the seat full of a black goo.
He applies a liberal amount on his huge cock and low and behold it slides rite in. They go at it feverishly,just be for the both get off they get stuck and can't get apart. They try every thing they can think of even jumping into to cold water in the creek. Nothing works. So they start hollering for help when a old prospector and his mule is walking by.
Intrigued the prospector goes to help and asked What happened?
They young man explains that he put axle grease cock to be able to get it in.
The prospector picks the can up and starts laughing his ass off.
What so funny the couple asks.
This ain't axle grease it's Spoke tightener!!
It's the middle 1800s and a young man and his virgin bride are driving a horse n buggy down a bumpy dirt road heading to their homestead.
The road was so bumpy and the vibrations running threw the buggy was making the bride extremely horny. She cries out "thats far enough I want you to fuck me rite here NOW!"
So he pulls the buggy over next to a small creek and they toss a blanket under a willow tree and strip down.
She being a tight virgin and he hung like a horse,they try and try to get it in but no luck.
He says I got a idea and runs back to the buggy and grabs a can from under the seat full of a black goo.
He applies a liberal amount on his huge cock and low and behold it slides rite in. They go at it feverishly,just be for the both get off they get stuck and can't get apart. They try every thing they can think of even jumping into to cold water in the creek. Nothing works. So they start hollering for help when a old prospector and his mule is walking by.
Intrigued the prospector goes to help and asked What happened?
They young man explains that he put axle grease cock to be able to get it in.
The prospector picks the can up and starts laughing his ass off.
What so funny the couple asks.
This ain't axle grease it's Spoke tightener!!
B
blue green
Q) What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A) A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
A) A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.
"Where is God?"
The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.
"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good that’s right."
But still there were two children that didn’t put their hands down, so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good that’s right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"He’s in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he’s in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘My God are you still in there?’ "
"Where is God?"
The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.
"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good that’s right."
But still there were two children that didn’t put their hands down, so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good that’s right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"He’s in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he’s in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘My God are you still in there?’ "
just as long as it's sunday school. that shit don't fly in regular school. anyhoo...
This Scottish farmer walks into a pub and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' Nae..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' Nae."
At this point, the parish priest, who is within earshot, cuts old McGregor off, "Aye, I know, I know. But you fuck ONE altar boy ..."
This Scottish farmer walks into a pub and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' Nae..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' Nae."
At this point, the parish priest, who is within earshot, cuts old McGregor off, "Aye, I know, I know. But you fuck ONE altar boy ..."
Oh man, that made me cry!!!
Man, you aint growin the right meds Lol!!!
manwithastick
Member
I got laid today......
It was expensive....
It was expensive....
chidoctor
Member
1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
chidoctor
Member
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
Grandfather has just died, and the family is split about what to do for the funeral. Half the family say he wanted to be cremated, while the rest insist he wanted to be buried at sea.
"Fuck it." says a pragmatic relative, "Let's have him poached."
"Fuck it." says a pragmatic relative, "Let's have him poached."
So this little Italian wood carver always wanted a son. Will one day he got one and as kids will be he ran away. Well the man searched the world over for him and never found him. So one day the man dies. He goes to Heaven and see Peter at the gates. The man says I'm glad to be here but I don't thinks it's my time to die and tells Peter the story of his son. Peter say do you think your son could have beat you here? Describe your son and see if I know him. Well the old man says he's got nails in his hands and nails in his feet. What Peter says are you sure that's right? That's the best description I can give give. Peter says I know the guy you describe but I think your making a mistake. No the old man says that his description. So Peter goes and gets Jesus tells him the story and says he's sorry he'll handle the old man. He walks to the gates and says to the old man yes little Father may I help you? The old man looks Jesus up and down and says Pinocchio? I don't care who you are that's funny
