Two women sitting in a cafe, one of them has a little boy who asks his Mum if he can play with three quarters (coins) that are on the table, so she lets him and after a minute or so the boy starts to choke.........apparently he has swallowed the coins, so the Mother jumps up and slaps the boy hard on the back which causes one of the quarters to come up, but the boy is still choking, so the Mother whacks the boy again and gets another quarter out of his mouth.....
.....no matter how hard the Mother whacks her boy she cannot get the 3rd quarter out of him and the boy is turning blue in the face from choking on it and looks to be fading fast, the Mother is getting more and more distraught as she continues to whack the boy but cannot get the coin to come out of his throat!.......'What can I do!' she screams at the other woman who comes over to help and grabs then wrenches one of the boys testicles in such a violent way that the last quarter emerges from his mouth and he starts to recover.....
....The Mother is very grateful to the other woman for saving her boy and thanks her profusely and says, 'How did you know what to do, are you a medical professional?'......
........'No.... I am a tax collector'.... replies the other woman........
.....no matter how hard the Mother whacks her boy she cannot get the 3rd quarter out of him and the boy is turning blue in the face from choking on it and looks to be fading fast, the Mother is getting more and more distraught as she continues to whack the boy but cannot get the coin to come out of his throat!.......'What can I do!' she screams at the other woman who comes over to help and grabs then wrenches one of the boys testicles in such a violent way that the last quarter emerges from his mouth and he starts to recover.....
....The Mother is very grateful to the other woman for saving her boy and thanks her profusely and says, 'How did you know what to do, are you a medical professional?'......
........'No.... I am a tax collector'.... replies the other woman........
wow. i leave for a few days and everyone goes nuts!!! lol.. some of you people need to lighten up a bit. why come into a JOKE thread, and be a downer? anyways..... hope everyones halloween was great!
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
A your man walked into were my wife works. The man told my wife, you HOT and I can fulfill all of your fantasies. My wife told him" I like my men with H.I.V."
The man, with a very puzzled look on his face. He sed "you like your men with AIDS!"
My wife sed "NOT AIDS H.I.V.!"
A H ouse
A I ncome
A V ehicle
He stomped out of the store.
True story
The man, with a very puzzled look on his face. He sed "you like your men with AIDS!"
My wife sed "NOT AIDS H.I.V.!"
A H ouse
A I ncome
A V ehicle
He stomped out of the store.
True story
there it is man I must be stoned
Last edited:
Found it!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?
Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
The Priest and a Little Boy...
The Priest and a Little Boy...
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many".
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar".
The Priest and a Little Boy...
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many".
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar".
The New Bailout Program
The New Bailout Program
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily News Newspaper and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news. The mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
The New Bailout Program
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily News Newspaper and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news. The mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
This chick walks up to her dad and says,
"Daddy, may I have the car keys?"
Her dad responds,
"You know what you have to do."
The daughter says,
"Ahhh, Dad!"
She reluctantly kneels and sticks out her tongue.
Then the daughter says,
"Damn Dad, it tastes like shit!"
Her dad responds,
Yeah, your brother had to borrow $20 earlier.
"Daddy, may I have the car keys?"
Her dad responds,
"You know what you have to do."
The daughter says,
"Ahhh, Dad!"
She reluctantly kneels and sticks out her tongue.
Then the daughter says,
"Damn Dad, it tastes like shit!"
Her dad responds,
Yeah, your brother had to borrow $20 earlier.
A businessman sits at a bar drinking a beer. An attractive woman pulls up a stool beside him and they chat.
The woman asks the businessman,
"So what brings you to Chicago?"
The businessman replys,
"The Chicago Business Convention. May I ask what brings you to Chicago?"
The woman says,
"The Chicago Nymphomaniac Convention!"
Stunned, the businessman asks,
"Is it true that Italians are the best lovers?"
The woman answers,
Oh no, Jews are the best lovers by far."
The man then asks,
Is it true that black men are most hung?"
The woman answers,
No, Indians.
The businessman extends his hand and says,
"Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Tonto Epstein.
The woman asks the businessman,
"So what brings you to Chicago?"
The businessman replys,
"The Chicago Business Convention. May I ask what brings you to Chicago?"
The woman says,
"The Chicago Nymphomaniac Convention!"
Stunned, the businessman asks,
"Is it true that Italians are the best lovers?"
The woman answers,
Oh no, Jews are the best lovers by far."
The man then asks,
Is it true that black men are most hung?"
The woman answers,
No, Indians.
The businessman extends his hand and says,
"Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Tonto Epstein.
A third grade teacher assigned homework for the class. The pupils were to write a paragraph using the following words,
dress, red, nachos, fascinate and hotel.
The following day, the teacher asked the pupils to raise their hands to show who completed their homework. The only pupil to raise a hand was a little girl sitting in the back row. The teacher called her to the front of the class to read her paragraph.
The little girl began to read,
"My mommy made me a red dress and it's mine, nachos! It has nine buttons on the back but I can only fascinate. And when I bend over, you can see my hotel."
dress, red, nachos, fascinate and hotel.
The following day, the teacher asked the pupils to raise their hands to show who completed their homework. The only pupil to raise a hand was a little girl sitting in the back row. The teacher called her to the front of the class to read her paragraph.
The little girl began to read,
"My mommy made me a red dress and it's mine, nachos! It has nine buttons on the back but I can only fascinate. And when I bend over, you can see my hotel."
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his dick outta the chicken's ass.
He couldn't get his dick outta the chicken's ass.
How was copper wire invented?
Two jews fightin' over a penny.......
canadiancracker
Member
wooo wooo s4l...
so this crazy canadian walks into a gun store and tells the clerk" i want one of them ak-47's there eh" the shop worker suprised says" well what the hell you need a gun like that for?" "i got alot of cans to shoot!"
"cans? wtf?" and man says "yes, cans, americans, africans, portoricans, mexicans, and of course some old beer cans, for practice..."
so this crazy canadian walks into a gun store and tells the clerk" i want one of them ak-47's there eh" the shop worker suprised says" well what the hell you need a gun like that for?" "i got alot of cans to shoot!"
"cans? wtf?" and man says "yes, cans, americans, africans, portoricans, mexicans, and of course some old beer cans, for practice..."
As Ben Franklin said:
'In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.'
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
� � � � � � �
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
'In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.'
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
� � � � � � �
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, 401K Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc......
I called Lifeline.
Got a Freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..
I called Lifeline.
Got a Freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..
