The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Endo]

Man Stories

1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[swampy_nz]

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

 

[JackKerouac]

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

--------------------------------------

Q: What sexual position makes the best looking children?

A: I don't know, ask my parents.

 

[Endo]

Guys! I just heard Terrible news.
Body Found:
Today the Police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. Are You Okay??

 

[YosemiteSam]

What's the difference between a 3 inch penis and a rattlesnake.

There ain't no difference.

You can't fuck with either one of them.

 

[nobull56]

Farm kid in the Marine Corps :

FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[kmk420kali]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar
having a cold one when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and
says, 'Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.'

So the Doberman says, 'I love liver and cheese.' The Collie says, 'That's
not good enough.' The Bulldog says, 'I hate liver and cheese.' The Collie
says 'That's not creative enough.'

Finally, the Chihuahua says, 'Liver alone ... cheese mine.'

 

[Endo]

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary.

The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".

The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"

To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."

 

[Endo]

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
becau se I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

 

[Endo]

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

 

[nobull56]

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he
heard the voice say a gain, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick
me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most
beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make
sure that all your friends are envious and
jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and
placed it in his front breast pocket. The frog
asked, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog'
With age comes wisdom.

 

[nobull56]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone

again, I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what�

he promised he would do.

Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


�


�


�

Why ???


�


�


�


�

OH, come on . take a guess !!!


�


�


�


�

Think about it !!!


�


�


�


�


�


�


�

Everyone knows...


�

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

 

[Endo]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

[Endo]

A couple were walking their dog along the beach, the dog was having a great time running into the sea and fetching the ball that the guy was throwing for it.
After a particularly enthusiastic throw, the couple realise slowly that Rover is swimming toward them but not getting any closer.
Poor Rover is caught in a current and he can't get back. The couple are going frantic as they watch him getting more and more tired.
A crowd of worried onlookers soon gathers, no one is doing anything and Rover's head keeps bobbing dangerously under the water.
The guy has shouted himself hoarse and the woman is in tears by now.
Suddenly, a German tourist starts sprinting down the beach like a tornado on speed. He is flinging clothes aside as he goes and shouting "Out of my vay! Out of my vay!" in a strong commanding voice. The crowd parts to let him through and he dives like an Olympic swimmer straight into the sea.
The German then powers his way through the waves and grabs our hapless hound as the poor mutt was going down for the last time.
Then, dog under one arm, against the current our Germanic hero swims back to the shore and lays Rover down on the beach, the dog is not breathing.
The German is not done yet, he starts CPR on the dog.
After a couple of tense minutes of compressions and blowing air into the dog's nose, Rover leaps up, coughs up a load of seawater and trots back to its elated owners. The crown cheers and the German slumps onto the sand, exhausted.
The woman comes to his side and, still fighting back tears tries to find the words to thank him. "Thank you, thank you, I don't know what to say, how did you know how to do that?
What are you, a Vet?"
"Ya" replies the German, panting "I'm f*cking soaking!"

 

[JoJoDancer]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 

[kmk420kali]

Gentle Thoughts for Today




Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.



If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.. Ah, being young is beautiful, but
being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
. .. . . . . AMEN!

 

[Clarence]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary....... .

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity... .
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs...
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe. For now……

 

[PatInTheHat]

Why do bulimics love KFC?


It comes with a bucket!

 

[BACKCOUNTRY]

Did you hear they finally found what killed Michal Jackson? It was food poisoning, he tried to eat a 10 year old wiener.

 

[Endo]

SEX THERAPIST JOKE
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.

Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

"I'm afraid there isnothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."