The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[cellardweller]

> Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
> (and get away with it )
>
> 1. Talk about a huge breast!
> 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
> 3. It's Cool Whip time!
> 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
> 5. That's one terrific spread!
> 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
> 7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
> 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
> 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
> 10. Don't play with your meat.
> 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
> 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
> 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
> 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
> 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
> 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
> 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
> 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

...and don't forget, if the Indians would have killed a cat we'd all be eatin pussy this Thanksgiving!!

 

[buckeye-leaf]

billy walked to his parents room to tell them goodnight before he went to bed, when he walked into his parents bedroom his father was putting on a condom and at a quick notice his father looked under his bed. billy asked "hey dad what ya' lookin for?" his father says "im looking for a mouse running around" to which billy asked "what are ya gonna do fuck it?"

 

[buckeye-leaf]

the day after christmas a little girl was riding her bicycle close to sunset a policeman on a horse galloped up beside her and asked, "did santa bring you that bike?" "why yes isnt it nice?" asked the little girl. "yes it is but im gonna have to give you a ticket for not having any lights on it during these hours, next year tell santa they need lights" the girl replied "did santa bring you that horse for christmas" yes said the policeman. then little girl said "next year tell santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse not on top of it"

 

[Clarence]

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? You should These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow



1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

[Vash]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

 

[DopinderBhong]

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls. (Seasonal Joke)

 

[arcticsun]

i just love the joecartoon site, it has some of the funnyest shit i've found on the net.

http://joecartoon.atom.com

 

[Endo]

wo blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effor t you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

 

[Endo]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

[Endo]

Tell A Joke Thread (Gentlemen we have the technology, we can rebuild it version!)

Tell A Joke Thread (Gentlemen we have the technology, we can rebuild it version!)

So, i have been informed, while trying to clean up some thread hijacking and misposting, the ICmag Server Gremlin, has inhaled the last joke thread never to be seen again.

But, in the spirit of laughter and good will, I ask that you help me rebuild. We have the talent, and technology to rebuild once again to its former glory. JOIN ME FRIENDS IN THE NEW BIGGER BETTER JOKE THREAD!!!! All jokes old and new welcome.

To begin:


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

 

[Endo]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

 

[Endo]

Tonsils

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."




Two Blondes With Hammers

Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentery work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for
the other side of the house!'

 

[Endo]

Debts

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is doing business today.

 

[Endo]

Frustrated Lady

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about
ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to
purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between
her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on
his chair arm.

'Want some of this?' she purred.

'Are you kidding?' he replied.

'Look what it did to your underwear'

 

[Endo]

Making love...

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."







_____________________________________________________----

Technological Doctor

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

 

[swampdank]

I dont remember who it was that posted it but.....


What do titties and martinis have in common?



One is not enough and three is too many.







I love that one! LOL!

 

[swampy_nz]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

 

[Chamba]

A blonde walked into a bar.

ouch, that must of hurt.

 

[buckeye-leaf]

I was riding a horse full speed with a giraffe by my side with a lion chasing me i didnt know what to do until the carney said get your stoned drunk ass off my carousel!


Jack and jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy,but jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because jills real name is randy.

 

[Endo]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'