LONLEY HEARTS ADS- WHAT THET REALLY MEAN;
ADVENTUROUS=Likes anal.
ATHLETIC=No tits.
30-SOMETHING=41.
FUN=annoying.
WILD=Gets pissed easily.
BEAUTIFUL EYES=Face like a robbers dog.
SEEKS NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR=Husband has fucked off with younger model.
NEW AGE=Hairy with a smelly fanny.
HEADSTONG=Argumentative.
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBING=Alcoholic.
CURVY=Fat ****.
CUDDLY=Fat ****.
LIKES EATING OUT=Lazy fat ****.
just jokes peace.
ADVENTUROUS=Likes anal.
ATHLETIC=No tits.
30-SOMETHING=41.
FUN=annoying.
WILD=Gets pissed easily.
BEAUTIFUL EYES=Face like a robbers dog.
SEEKS NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR=Husband has fucked off with younger model.
NEW AGE=Hairy with a smelly fanny.
HEADSTONG=Argumentative.
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBING=Alcoholic.
CURVY=Fat ****.
CUDDLY=Fat ****.
LIKES EATING OUT=Lazy fat ****.
just jokes peace.
DopinderBhong
Member
to above post.A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
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illnillinois
Member
Whats 3 things Barack Obama cant get???
Whats 3 things Barack Obama cant get???
Black eye
fat lip
and a seat in the White House..
Whats 3 things Barack Obama cant get???
Black eye
fat lip
and a seat in the White House..
DopinderBhong
Member
Gary Glitters house was raided by the police today.
They found Class As in the bathroom.
Class Bs in the Kitchen
And class 5C in the bedroom.
They found Class As in the bathroom.
Class Bs in the Kitchen
And class 5C in the bedroom.
Thoughts From a Wandering Mind
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, ' Rose , we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose .'
'You're not Rose . Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose ,' insisted the voice.
' Rose ! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose . 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, ' Rose , we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose .'
'You're not Rose . Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose ,' insisted the voice.
' Rose ! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose . 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Forgive me if this ones been done already...
Forgive me if this ones been done already...
Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, you racist bastard.
Forgive me if this ones been done already...
Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A: A pilot, you racist bastard.
hah goood shit... reminds me of a pretty god damn racist joke ..
Top ten things to say to a cop that'll guarantee you a night in jail
10. Here dude, hang onto this beer while I reach for my license.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me....... good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Hey, you look just like that guy in the picture on my brothers night stand.
4. Hmmm, I thought you had to be in good shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
10. Here dude, hang onto this beer while I reach for my license.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me....... good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Hey, you look just like that guy in the picture on my brothers night stand.
4. Hmmm, I thought you had to be in good shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
^^lmfao^^.....awesome top ten for the piggies
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "
More Talking Animals
More Talking Animals
A lonely old trailhand & his collie were tending his flock of sheep when an indian scout appeared and approached them, they were talking for a few minutes when the scout asked if he could talk to the trailhands horse. The trailhand agrees and the scout begins to whisper to the horse and also seems to be listening as well, he turns to the trailhand and says "your horse tells me you treat him well, you look after his hooves, feed and water him daily, he loves you." The trailhand is both shocked and pleased at the accuracy of the scouts words. The scout asks and is next granted permission to talk to the cowboys dog, the exchange between the scout and the dog is done when the scout tells the cowboy this, "your dog loves the job he does, you allow him to run free to watch over the flock, you feed him well and make a soft bed of your old blanket for him every night, he's devoted to you for life." This of course amazes & pleases the cowboy. The scout then asks if he can speak to one of the sheep that's been nearby throughout the visit to which the cowboy says, "I don't know why you'd want to talk to her, you can't believe a thing that sheep says, she's a world class liar!"
More Talking Animals
A lonely old trailhand & his collie were tending his flock of sheep when an indian scout appeared and approached them, they were talking for a few minutes when the scout asked if he could talk to the trailhands horse. The trailhand agrees and the scout begins to whisper to the horse and also seems to be listening as well, he turns to the trailhand and says "your horse tells me you treat him well, you look after his hooves, feed and water him daily, he loves you." The trailhand is both shocked and pleased at the accuracy of the scouts words. The scout asks and is next granted permission to talk to the cowboys dog, the exchange between the scout and the dog is done when the scout tells the cowboy this, "your dog loves the job he does, you allow him to run free to watch over the flock, you feed him well and make a soft bed of your old blanket for him every night, he's devoted to you for life." This of course amazes & pleases the cowboy. The scout then asks if he can speak to one of the sheep that's been nearby throughout the visit to which the cowboy says, "I don't know why you'd want to talk to her, you can't believe a thing that sheep says, she's a world class liar!"
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So we pull over on the side of the road and the driver gets out of the car.
You know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . . the guy I hit was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So I say, "Well then, which one are you?"
. . . . and that's when the fight started!!
So we pull over on the side of the road and the driver gets out of the car.
You know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . . the guy I hit was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So I say, "Well then, which one are you?"
. . . . and that's when the fight started!!
R
Ronley
There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day.
One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tanned all over except
his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane.
Remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, "when I was 20, I was curious about it."
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too
old to squat.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day.
One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tanned all over except
his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane.
Remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, "when I was 20, I was curious about it."
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too
old to squat.
very funny joke Ronley.....I was afraid the old lady was gonna wack it with her stick or something....lmao....thank God for the *happy* ending
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
mums in the kitchen cooking, her little boy is in the front room playing on his train set.
checking on her son she listens in , choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get the f*** on all the people getting off get the f*** off.
the mum cant belive what she heard so she listens in again, choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get the f*** on all the people getting off get the f*** off.
johnny the mum says dont ever let me here you say that again, stand in the corner for an hour to think about what youve done.
an hour passes, choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get on all the people getting off get off,
and if you are wondering why the trains an hour late ask the c*** in the kitchen.
stay safe..
checking on her son she listens in , choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get the f*** on all the people getting off get the f*** off.
the mum cant belive what she heard so she listens in again, choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get the f*** on all the people getting off get the f*** off.
johnny the mum says dont ever let me here you say that again, stand in the corner for an hour to think about what youve done.
an hour passes, choo choo (train comes in to the station)all the people getting on get on all the people getting off get off,
and if you are wondering why the trains an hour late ask the c*** in the kitchen.
stay safe..
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