The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[kallenavndk]

littel amy was in bath whit her mum..."Mum what is the thing between your legs?"
"its a virginia,you get one like it when you grow up"
Next day littel Amy was in bath whit her dad....
"Dad what is that thing between your legs?"
"its a penis, you get one when your mum is gone "

LOOOOOOOOOOOL

 

[cellardweller]

 

[cellardweller]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay ." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

One thing I learned is that it sucks gettin down off that ladder to go round front and kiss em afterwards... but I geuss that's why girls have foreheads anyway...

 

[southflorida]

^^^^that is a funny one CD^^^^

here is mine:

the wife says to the husband *what a wonderful couple our new neighbors are....he is always hugging and kissing her...telling her compliments* *why are you never doing any of that?*

the husband answers *damn honey...I hardly know the bitch!!!*

 

[kallenavndk]

LOOOOOL hehe yes make friends whit them first plz

 

[cellardweller]

lmfao^^

 

[southflorida]

these are jokes that a stupid boxer tells his friends

(#1) my mother-in-law isn't always mad
sometimes she just isn't home

(#2) a bad boxer doesn't need toothpaste

 

[Stoner4Life]

A true baseball story, date (70s), teams, and players unknown to me.......


I recall this being an American League playoff game where a base runner is making his bid for stealing second base. He slides safely into the second base bag just under the tag when the ump yells, "Saaaaaaaafe" but throws up his fist & thumb in the gesture used for calling a base runner out. Both base runner and the 2nd baseman see the conflicting call, the base runner looks up and says, "Well am I safe or out?" To which the ump replies "Tell ya what son, I think all three of us know that you were safe but 54,000 fans saw me call you out so, YOU'RE OUUUT!"

 

[Endo]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

 

[cellardweller]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap, That must
be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'

And that folks....is how the fight started

 

[Endo]

NICE FOLLOWUP!!!! im out of rep for ya though!

Edit: i just got some bad news from one of my customers.. seems there was an older lady in town that took went to buy a keg of beer for a party she was having. well she had no choice but to bring her son with her. so she ran in while he was asleep under a blanket in the back. when she returned to the car with the helper carrying the heavy keg, and the worker opens the back seat and blam.. right on top of the poor little kid.....






dont worry though.. hes gonna be ok..... it was a light beer!

 

[Stoner4Life]

How does a DEA agent go fishing?

He catches one fish then threatens to fillet & cook
it unless it tells him where the rest of the fish are.......

 

[buckeye-leaf]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[buckeye-leaf]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Endo]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to buckeye-leaf again.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

 

[Stoner4Life]

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A young man noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love. Later on she'll twist us up a dank joint of kind bud and then it's off to bed where we fall asleep wrapped in each others arms."
The guy looks at the old man in wonder and says, "You shouldn't be crying dude! Damn you should be the happiest man in the world!"
The old man says, "I am! I am! Now if I could just remember where the hell I live!"

 

[Endo]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

 

[ScrogHog]

Joke: Marijuana and cops

Joke: Marijuana and cops

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on
Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept .
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff
come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


haha saw this and thought it was funny as hell and figured other would enjoy.

 

[VanillaGueriila]

good one bro k+

 

[Indica_Dreamer]

LOL, I got a laugh... nice.