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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Originally posted by buzzmobile View Post
    You have incredible strength that you are about to discover.
    Click image for larger version Name:	strength.jpg Views:	1 Size:	156.4 KB ID:	17838790


    You are not alone. soot
    Thank you, buzz. That was very sweet & kind.

    I think I've been tapping that strength in ways, for years. It's gotten me this far. I hope there's enough left to get through this next period, however long that is.

    Sweated the sheets and pillows to the 'soaked' status again. Really like to know when this feature might end.

    The surgeon's primary nurse has seemed like a very understanding and knowledgeable person; turns out she was the one who wrote the unsigned query re. opiates as a possible reason for some of the difficulty. I told her my thoughts re. that exchange, and she asserted that had not been her meaning at all. That she was truly trying to understand the causes.

    Her opinion re. the non-responsive blackout the other night, chilled convulsing and all, was that it sounded like a blackout caused by low blood pressure. She'd know more about that than I would; it's never happened to me before. New highway.

    Surgeon came through with 25 of the Zofran 4 mg yesterday, after a conversation with the same nurse. They added that the anti-nausea Rx in ref. can add to constipation, so to be judicious in its use. Otherwise the stuff is damned near magical; dissolve on the tongue, and.....POOF!!! no more nausea.

    More 10-grain hot cereal with organic hemp hearts this morning with 2 smaller organic Turkish apricots chopped up, and a 1/4-cup of almond milk on top, preceded by a half of a giant pink grapefruit, and a protein shake earlier than that. Protein is what heals these moments, physically; hell of a time to quit meat, eh? More plant proteins will have to be the answer.

    Surgeon caught on that I'd continued abstinence from supplements, etc., and he advised that I continue a normal diet, including supplements at this time.

    The nurse briefed him re. the 3-segment report my wife had submitted, but no inquiry re. tests. I'll schedule an appt. this morning with my primary care Doc up north, though as of 2 days ago, I likely won't be able to see her until into the second week of May. Learning to ride along with few requests.

    My wife has been amazing, though I discovered yesterday that there's somewhat serious financial wrangling to address at her clinic, that she initially didn't tell me about, likely due to not wanting to worry me.

    Found out yesterday that the Bavarian Meats store at Pike Place Market has reportedly died due to COVID-19 economic losses. I frequented that place or did mail-order biz with them for MANY years. We plan to go down to Pike Place Market today, as I need a humidor of sorts to place the ganja in that was gifted to me this trip, and I still have 2 packs of seeds I brought down, to give to someone before we fly out tomorrow.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jerry Garcia Band

    'Waiting for a Miracle' (Bruce Cockburn cover)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFeAD_OzNWI​​​​​​

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  • buzzmobile
    replied
    You have incredible strength that you are about to discover.
    Click image for larger version  Name:	strength.jpg Views:	1 Size:	156.4 KB ID:	17838790


    You are not alone. soot

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Originally posted by Gypsy Nirvana View Post
    Don't you be worrying about the bandwidth moose - have as much as you like - for someone with such humanity and integrity - someone who has so much to share - someone that really does care - and we all care about - you will always be welcome here -

    - oh - and get well soon -
    Thank you, Gypsy.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Stephen Allen Davis

    ':44 Seconds'

    ​​​​​​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziXflbK0ZT4

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Originally posted by trichrider View Post
    Thank You moose eater!
    you have been inspirational, and through the worst of times (yours not ours) have been elaborate and eloquent in your descriptions and explanations.
    i believe you've faced this tragedy quite bravely despite your wavering on it's worth.
    we're here pulling for you to beat this too...wouldn't want to think that was wasted effort.
    you've been through the worst, but recovery takes time and dedication...and sometimes strong medications.
    the strength you've shown thus far is extraordinary and exemplary and my hat is off to you. i'll raise a glass/smoke a doob in salute.
    bless you and your family for sharing your personal story under such harsh circumstances.
    Thank You again. be well.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yzOpjQsXvk
    Cowboy Junkies "Powderfinger" (Neil Young & Crazy Horse Cover)
    Thank you, trich. That was humbling.

    I've heard John Mayer thank folks a number of times at the end of shows, "Thank you for accepting us." Each time I heard him graciously thank people with that specific phrase, it said something about him and his 'fit' in this world. But it also said something about us, our culture, our treatment of each other, etc. I cry and grin when I hear him say that now.

    Acceptance; a place to be safe in what ever way.

    We watched 'Deep Water Horizon' today, and reflected on how many of us process serious uncertainty; initially resenting the dilemma, then contemplating options, then, as Hunter Thompson said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

    The time spent blinking, contemplating, etc, has become less and less over time. Like the near-end of the movie, when Kurt Russell grabs his co-worker, and tosses her off the burning rig to save her life; time for action, or simply accept the end has arrived.

    It's been months of accepting early, preliminary pathology & imaging reports, knowing these were not definitive. They were not all that hopeful, but they were better than what landed yesterday; a day that will always be associated with 'the news.'

    But as buzz sorta' said, there's 15% of the pool who won those odds, and 85% who didn't. Like with the early labs/imaging, we don't get to know which camp we're in until we get there.

    For now, if I'm to better avoid the uglier outcomes down the road with this, I can't afford to let the optimistic or resentful unknowns be used in my self-talk, as a means of compromising what I otherwise know I need to do now, if I'm to avoid painful ugliness.

    I rolled the dice, may have forfeited some functions I didn't want to gamble with, and, for now, came up with the Cosmos wanting, maybe, some sort of greater payment.

    From here on out, I'll have to dedicate myself to veganism, abstaining from any alcohol but maybe the occasional half-glass of red wine, working out, etc.

    I've lost close to 60% of muscle mass in my once stout shoulders, biceps, and more; I'm going to need to rebuild that in order to finish my wife's sauna, the porch on the shed, clearing the nasty aspen/balsam poplar on the south end of the property, taking my youngest son on his first halibut outing, dip-netting salmon on the Copper River at Chitina with him (even if I can't eat them myself any more; my wife and son can), and more.

    Time for me to be more serious than I have been in many ways.

    I may still 'exit stage left' if/when this thing recurs, and especially if it metastasizes, but the towel's not going into the ring quite yet.

    "Thank you for accepting us."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Stephen Allen Davis

    'The Innocence of Doubt'

    ​​​​​​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA7StfzWeT0

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  • Gypsy Nirvana
    replied
    Don't you be worrying about the bandwidth moose - have as much as you like - for someone with such humanity and integrity - someone who has so much to share - someone that really does care - and we all care about - you will always be welcome here -

    - oh - and get well soon -

    Leave a comment:


  • troutman
    replied
    Stay well hydrated and constipation is less likely to happen.

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    I can't reply individually in the way I would like. I'm warmed by the outpouring of support.

    Last night was rough. About 1:30 AM my wife had been called to help me, and upon her second entry in the restroom, she found me non-responsive.

    She went to get her phone to call 911, and when she returned, I'd uprighted myself (ringing and buzzing in ear, and slow speech). She's inclined to believe it was a seizure, but I can only attest to the parts I was 'there' for, which wasn't the whole thing.

    Trying to choose the 15% option buzz, but wrestling lots of gators at the moment. I can walk, and I'm no longer tethered to the cath or the drain, but when I go ambulatory, typically after 'X' time up, I get a bit light-headed, and the fever comes back around for another pass.

    Weez, the leakage is typical, though lesser so, the streams around the catheter. Found an article and anecdotes re. the 'dick farting'. Healthline asserts it's a likely product of the insertion of the cath, but I think the volume of air they put into my abdominal cavity played a role, too.

    While 'night sweats' are sometimes associated with meds that affect the liver/pancreas, these were not 'night sweats', but closer to a 'night bath'; soaking the sheets multiple times over... including last night. Soaked. They'd said I'd be maybe using a pad per day, but since yesterday's appt., I've used at least 2 pads, and 2-3 Depends undergarments. All somewhat heavy.

    We abstained from calling the EMTs last night; would've likely been another pointless use of resources; last time they tried to claim at the ER that the tachycardia was an anxiety attack; it was not.

    My Doc is so focused on his specialty, that it seems the primary course they see is to collect the $$ for their services and get me on a plane back to Alaska. Had last night's episode occurred in the air, the flight would've likely been turned around.... and resulted in another mostly pointless trip to the ER, while pissing off ~180 other passengers.

    Trout, You're one of the caring crowd here. I thank you for your words. I don't always feel worthy of the love I receive. Like many, I've been a sinner and a saint, sometimes in the same day. My family may not get the mileage from me I had hoped to deliver, but then, years ago, I'd anticipated meeting my demise by age 42; didn't happen, but at the moment it feels like it might be closer than we think.. Pay day for my wife and son, maybe. Admittedly, I'd prefer going out in a blaze of glory (ego shit) rather than feeling like a piece of lukewarm dog excrement. In the end, we often 'get what we get', sometimes with surprisingly little control over it.

    My wife sent a fairly concise, but relatively thorough, 3-part summary to my care team, followed up by a phone message marked 'urgent' through the hospital operator's system; waiting on a reply.

    Yesterday, in follow-up re. the request for the ant-nausea pills (Zofran 4 mg; which I had to eat 1 of my remaining 5 during the crisis, as vomiting would potentially undo all kinds of internal shit), someone who failed to ID themselves in reply, stated they couldn't figure out why I was still experiencing nausea, other than perhaps opiate use; a subtle accusation of me maybe creating this w/ pills; I have not, staying to ONE 5 mg oxy per night, as constipation could be almost as dangerous to my 'healing' as puking. Never really been into opiates or downers; lots on the other end of the spectrum however, if they made things prettier or go more quickly, but that was years ago, as well. The implicit insults of a medical profession that is prone to generalizing their patients integrity/honesty; fuck 'em.

    I don't recall seeing my wife in that sort of distress before, and didn't want to be the cause of her upset & panic.

    My 'junk' is a bit in pain this AM, and there were lots of other symptoms, but I need to cease typing now.

    Things are not well, and if I exit the planet as a result of the current symptoms, despite that bringing some abrupt changes to my family that remains, in other ways it's a win:win.

    Take care. Thank you for the kindness, and I'll try to post more later.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Stephen Allen Davis

    'Jesus in the Back of a Cadillac'

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpNEaL9G8fk





    Last edited by moose eater; 04-21-2021, 18:23.

    Leave a comment:


  • trichrider
    replied
    Thank You moose eater!
    you have been inspirational, and through the worst of times (yours not ours) have been elaborate and eloquent in your descriptions and explanations.
    i believe you've faced this tragedy quite bravely despite your wavering on it's worth.
    we're here pulling for you to beat this too...wouldn't want to think that was wasted effort.
    you've been through the worst, but recovery takes time and dedication...and sometimes strong medications.
    the strength you've shown thus far is extraordinary and exemplary and my hat is off to you. i'll raise a glass/smoke a doob in salute.
    bless you and your family for sharing your personal story under such harsh circumstances.
    Thank You again. be well.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yzOpjQsXvk
    Cowboy Junkies "Powderfinger" (Neil Young & Crazy Horse Cover)

    Leave a comment:


  • buzzmobile
    replied
    Are you able to walk?

    Take as many steps as you can.

    Magical thought for the day: Choose the 15% option.

    Leave a comment:


  • KinKrit
    replied
    All the best,bro

    Leave a comment:


  • clearheaded
    replied
    vitamin c is what helps absorb iron also booze with food...got 10X legal limit of iron comes out in my nails.. good luck moose! stay strong. it is unfortunate u cant listen to docs anymore and really need to be proactive for proper care...

    glutothione omegas magnesium and dont drink tap water ie a good filter is fine.. some of those organic meal replacement veggies plus may be helpful. def cost more but in reality for an organic meal its reasonable.

    mind controls hormones, hormones control body.. watch comedies and be outside move around as much as u can!

    nothing u prob dont know already. stay up!

    Leave a comment:


  • Gry
    replied
    Some daze.
    BARBER Adagio for Strings
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3MHeNt6Yjs

    Leave a comment:


  • troutman
    replied


    It's not your fault you're ill. Do the best you can is all anyone can do. You haven't let anyone down.

    Cheers

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Not sure whether or not I'll be abusing Gypsy's bandwidth at the same pace for a while. I'll be taking time to digest a fair bit of mixed info., and taking what ever time to pick some courses.

    The golden highlights for the day include not having 2 diff tubes protruding from me, and having to try and sleep in positions I don't sleep in.

    The Doc says I have clear margins at this time, and that of the 27 lymph nodes taken, only one had a confirmed tumor present.

    Turning the corner a bit;

    Because the cancer had escaped to a lymph node, with the rankings/ratings I have, the type of cancer I have, etc., there's an 85% chance it's coming back..

    Depending on what the PSA #'s are as we go forth, I'll likely be advised to begin hormone suppression drugs when/if the PSA rises over a value of 'X'.

    The hormone therapy, from my research this last winter, has a likelihood of raising my glucose #'s, bringing into question the effectiveness of my continuing to manage A1C with the diet and methods I've used to do so.

    If the PSA continues to rise, and the cancer returns and spreads, then I can opt for external beam radiation. There's other options at this time, but less likely.

    Many aspects of this require proper thought. I'm postponing calling my younger son until I have let some of the 'Cosmic debris' settle down a bit. I hope to phone him this afternoon, after his home based on-line school is done.

    I have a 1.5:10 chance of this not recurring and spreading; my luck lately has been less than I'd like, but who knows? Maybe in the homeostasis of the Cosmos, it was a down-payment of sorts re. bigger issues having better outcomes.

    I'd hoped to be able to return to many things sooner, and may, depending, but it's clear that if I'm to gather my internal reinforcements & strength, then I need to maintain the anti-cancer diet, sulforaphane, continue abstaining from beer, etc., and doing thc & thc-a extracts at what ever level we find effective, if any.

    I have been ready, have surrendered numerous times, and still, when the formal word from a renowned cancer Doc comes down, the hypothetical becomes less ethereal, more real, and causes a pause.

    The Doc couldn't/wouldn't speculate as to whether I worsened the condition by waiting a total of almost 6 mos. when I was attempting to choose which method of loss of quality of life was 'best.'

    Sometimes there's a path out, and sometimes there's not, and we have to wait until the lights go on to see if there is or not.

    I hope this doesn't end on the side of the trail I fear it might, and need to get past the initial point of the 'first viewing.'

    I am sad, and by being ill, have let my wife and younger son down in some ways. Some foot-loose travel sounds attractive, but I'll have to see how practical or wise that is. Time for my trip to Mecca (of sorts) maybe, but we'll see.

    I wish to give a huge thank you to those who stayed on this ride so far, offered hope, insight, friendship, supplies, and more. For a social hermit, cynical & burned out on my own species and a lot else, there were many times I privately wept at the care offered here. Finding ways to honor one's self & others, to simply say, Thank you' and not feel awkward about the gifts received.

    Thank you

    I think I've reached that place to find a proper moment in the bush, and get out that acid and/or mushrooms. Ask the Cosmos for a sneak preview if one can be had, and go from there.

    Take care. Those of you whom I've struggled with, those I love, feel, and/or care for, in what ever ways..
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Pink Floyd

    'The Division Bell' (live cuts, remastered)

    ​​​​​​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1Ua5O5JmiU

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  • tobedetermined
    replied
    Originally posted by Weezard View Post
    It's how much crap you've been through together that really bonds a couple.
    Very nice words, Weezard. This part rings especially true.

    One day at a time, moose. While my surgery was quite different than yours, my goal was to walk around the block again. Just 1 1/4 kilometre. The last time I walked around it was at the end of January, before my legs closed down.

    Three days ago, on Day 10 of recovery, I made it around again. Slowly, painfully, pitifully, with a cane and my dog. Yesterday, I did it again. Not quite as slowly. And today, I was quicker again with far less pain.

    One day at a time.

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