The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

 

[Stoner4Life]

A man's driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "have I got an ugly chick in my car?"

 

[kmk420kali]

Ok...here is one you can even tell in church!!

This blond girl goes to the Dr, and she said that she might have a horrible ailment!!
She pokes her finger in her belly, and said when I touch here it hurts!!
Then she poked her finger in another spot in her belly, and said when I touch here...it REALLY hurts!!
Then she poked her finger into a third spot, and said, Dr...but when I touch HERE...it is even worse!! Do you think I have a horrible disease Dr??
He replied..."No Ma'am...you have a broken finger!!"

 

[5th]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Come on a eyetalian with a foot and a half? Or did he lose a half foot? It must be that because eyetalians use metric. Don't they?

 

[5th]

Come on a eyetalian with a foot and a half? Or did he lose a half foot? It must be that because eyetalians use metric. Don't they?

Yeah the rest of the free world uses metric...we just convert it to "american" so they don't fall to far behind. lol...miles...you guys crack me up...

 

[Hank Hemp]

As opposed to klicks?

As opposed to klicks?

Yeah the rest of the free world uses metric...we just convert it to "american" so they don't fall to far behind. lol...miles...you guys crack me up...

Hell if Europe does it it's got to be best.

 

[5th]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

 

[5th]

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

 

[messn'n'gommin']

A cop stops a hillbilly for speeding. Walks up to the window and says, "Do you have any I.D.?"
The hillbilly asks, "'Bout what?"

 

[Littleleaf]

Hey ! Smell my finger..does it smell like your mama...

 

[MJBadger]

Smell my finger does it smell like your mama ?

More like big Joe`s anus .

 

[mrcreosote]

"Rectum?"

"Wrecked him! Hell, it damn near killed him."

Punchline looking for the joke.

 

[5th]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

2 mice escape from the lab, and the spend the day running round, fucking wild mice, eating discarded junk food and scaring ladies up onto tables.
As evening draws near they discuss what to do now.
"Why don't we head to the docks, get ourselves on a ship and sail away to paradise?" asks mouse 1.
"No mate, I think I'm going to head back to the lab!" says mouse 2.
"The lab, why do you want to go back to the lab?" asks mouse 1,
and mouse 2 replies "I'm gasping for a ciggie, my deoderant has worn off, and my mascara has run!"

 

[Vash]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

 

[Liza]

L.A. is a nightmare place, man. You'll always meet this one guy out in L.A, you always – this real smarmy guy. He always says this: "Yeah, I love calling back east January 1. 'What are all you doin'? Snowed in, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm out by the pool! Ha ha ha haaa!'" What a dick this guy is. It's why I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York: "What are y'all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a book!" - Bill Hicks

 

[5th]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised, but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

No Metric. This Joke is Hank approved.

 

[KGB47]

Obama gets re-elected.










That's the joke.

 

[Vash]

GOD is talking to Adam in the garden of eden,about the creation of a woman.

GOD: "Adam how would you like to have a woman to live with you in the garden?"
ADAM: "What is a woman?"
GOD: "A creature like you but much prettier and she'll cook for you,clean for you,keep you healthy, give you children,take care of you and never ever give any problems and please you in ways you could never ever imagine, but it will cost you...A lot."
ADAM: "How much?"
GOD: "An Arm and a Leg!"
ADAM: taking a moment to think it through and after a long pause, he asks,"GOD, WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB???"