I'm a Cocaine Addict. There, i said it.

[LndRcLvr]

I recently admitted to my wife and friends a 20 year 'high functioning' cocaine addiction

It was due to the fact i made the mistake of losing my phone in a dealers car (damn cheap tracksuit bottoms without pocket zips)., at that point, when i was exposed, i knew (and had been trying for over 10 years) to stop the damage before I died, or cause irreparable damage to my Wife and kids, I'm sure it would have continued otherwise.

For me, Cocaine was always about having a secret that no one else knew about, the excitement, breaking the rules.

Also it was closely linked to sex (or in my case, pornography) which was something i spent of lot of time involved in during my mid teens and before cocaine took hold ( this is before the internet, were talking VHS territory)

But I'm glad i admitted my addiction because i have lost months, maybe even years of my life to the drug. (i don't mean health wise i mean time spent being high)

If i wasn't taking twice weekly drug tests now (on my own insistence) and i could get away with it, i'd still drop everything and get high immediately.

I just thought this might be an opportunity for others to share their experiences, make open admissions or even secret admissions.

i would truly value hearing your stories to aid my recovery and start a discussion.

Perhaps just knowing i'm not the only one is reassuring.

If theres a conversation to be had please speak up. Its taken me over 40 years to understand that honesty is the only way to survive this life

Peace.

 

[bigtacofarmer]

I was lucky enough to have my ketamine connect move 100 miles away. Slightly annoying but actually a very good thing.

 

[revegeta666]

I just thought this might be an opportunity for others to share their experiences, open admissions or even cureently secret admissions from others.

i would value hearing them to aid my recovery, perhaps just knowing i'm not the only one is reassuring.

I used to consume decent amounts of stimulants for around 15 years (cocaine, speed and pharmaceutical amphetamine derivates). At first in the weekends, then weekdays also. Now it's been 9 years since I last took any drugs except for weed. Also no cigarettes, no alcohol, not even a beer. I even quit caffeine. Only weed now, in moderation.

I used to live in a city with 2 million people, and always had jobs related to the music scene. Playing in bands all my life, and also working as a Pro Tools guy and as a live audio engineer for many years.

It was a long time before I learned how much of an influence your entourage can have over your lifestyle. Sounds obvious now lol. All kinds of drugs were easily available to me especially wworking in the evenings. Even when I made an effort to stop, inevitably someone I knew would be high or I would know they had drugs, so I ended up being dragged to them again and again.

What bigtacofarmer mentions about distance is what helped me quit. 9 years ago I moved back to my small hometown because of family issues, and quit the city and the night lifestyle. It was suprisingly easy for me to quit drugs and partying, because of the distance between me and people I used to hang out with. My town is touristic but mostly agricultural, simple people who live simple lives. Me and my gf really embraced the rural lifestyle, healthy eating, active outdoors life. I picked up old healthier friendships with people I knew from school/high school, and more or less cut ties with my friends in the city. I also know people here who like to party, but I will always give them some excuse why I can't hang out with them. Made me feel bad at first but you really have to know your priorities.

I still love them and drive to the city on occasion, but when I do it's only at lunch time or on a Sunday, see my friends for coffee or lunch, avoid staying there more than 3-4 hours and make sure I don't stay there overnight. I can tell sometimes they think I'm acting weird or somewhat evasive, but I made it a priority to take care of my health and not fall in the same bullshit ever again. I try to be polite, and pretend I have some important thing I have to do back home. I also changed my phone number and only added people who I truly wanted to keep contact with.

I have seen friends trying to get out and getting pulled back in, just because it's what they know, it's who they know, it's where they live, it's what they've always done...
If you know you are a degenerate, or have low impulse control or however you want to say it, cutting ties with people who enable you and perpetuate this lifestlyle is the biggest thing, in my opinion.

Lastly I would recommend you go to a psychologist and talk to them about this, and ask them to diagnose you in case you could have ADHD. Apparently a very big percentage of stimulant addicts have this condition (I do and was diagnosed at 35). We are drawn to stimulants because of the increased focus and sense of control that stimulants give you. Knowing this also helped me a lot "shutting up the little voice" in the back of my head saying it's probably ok to go party to the city every so often. Maybe this is not your case but now that I know the condition, I can see it in several of my friends who are also drawn to cocaine and speed. So just in case, it can't hurt, and psychologists are trained to give you coping strategies to have better impulse control and be more mindful of wtf you are doing.

Having your addiction linked to a sexual habit as you say, makes me think you should really talk to a professional about this, it is known unhealthy behaviours linked to sex are a lot harder to give up on.

Shit that was so long, sorry about taht.

 

[Rgd]

If i wasn't taking twice weekly drug tests

unfortunately no pornography addiction testing....[more addictive than gambling]

 

[RobFromTX]

Yeah Ive read about porn addiction anonymous meetings and counseling. Never had a problem with that but caffeine is the beast that bit me. Id drink about 8 cups a day ending at dinner. Its far more destructive then people give it credit for. Im glad i quit before the health issues start, which its responsible for a lot of

 

[LndRcLvr]

I used to consume decent amounts of stimulants for around 15 years (cocaine, speed and pharmaceutical amphetamine derivates). At first in the weekends, then weekdays also. Now it's been 9 years since I last took any drugs except for weed. Also no cigarettes, no alcohol, not even a beer. I even quit caffeine. Only weed now, in moderation.

I used to live in a city with 2 million people, and always had jobs related to the music scene. Playing in bands all my life, and also working as a Pro Tools guy and as a live audio engineer for many years.

It was a long time before I learned how much of an influence your entourage can have over your lifestyle. Sounds obvious now lol. All kinds of drugs were easily available to me especially wworking in the evenings. Even when I made an effort to stop, inevitably someone I knew would be high or I would know they had drugs, so I ended up being dragged to them again and again.

What bigtacofarmer mentions about distance is what helped me quit. 9 years ago I moved back to my small hometown because of family issues, and quit the city and the night lifestyle. It was suprisingly easy for me to quit drugs and partying, because of the distance between me and people I used to hang out with. My town is touristic but mostly agricultural, simple people who live simple lives. Me and my gf really embraced the rural lifestyle, healthy eating, active outdoors life. I picked up old healthier friendships with people I knew from school/high school, and more or less cut ties with my friends in the city. I also know people here who like to party, but I will always give them some excuse why I can't hang out with them. Made me feel bad at first but you really have to know your priorities.

I still love them and drive to the city on occasion, but when I do it's only at lunch time or on a Sunday, see my friends for coffee or lunch, avoid staying there more than 3-4 hours and make sure I don't stay there overnight. I can tell sometimes they think I'm acting weird or somewhat evasive, but I made it a priority to take care of my health and not fall in the same bullshit ever again. I try to be polite, and pretend I have some important thing I have to do back home. I also changed my phone number and only added people who I truly wanted to keep contact with.

I have seen friends trying to get out and getting pulled back in, just because it's what they know, it's who they know, it's where they live, it's what they've always done...
If you know you are a degenerate, or have low impulse control or however you want to say it, cutting ties with people who enable you and perpetuate this lifestlyle is the biggest thing, in my opinion.

Lastly I would recommend you go to a psychologist and talk to them about this, and ask them to diagnose you in case you could have ADHD. Apparently a very big percentage of stimulant addicts have this condition (I do and was diagnosed at 35). We are drawn to stimulants because of the increased focus and sense of control that stimulants give you. Knowing this also helped me a lot "shutting up the little voice" in the back of my head saying it's probably ok to go party to the city every so often. Maybe this is not your case but now that I know the condition, I can see it in several of my friends who are also drawn to cocaine and speed. So just in case, it can't hurt, and psychologists are trained to give you coping strategies to have better impulse control and be more mindful of wtf you are doing.

Having your addiction linked to a sexual habit as you say, makes me think you should really talk to a professional about this, it is known unhealthy behaviours linked to sex are a lot harder to give up on.

Shit that was so long, sorry about taht.

Thanks my friend that was a great message.

Thanks for sharing your experiences

So yes, i have been having engaging in proper psychological treatment for going on 6 years. I was always so much of an internal control freak that i could never really let go and share. but as time went on and with the use of SSRI's i have become more honest and open, which has helped me no end.

Around 2020 i had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder which is where your brain body link malfunctions due to Disregulation of the nervous system. fortunately this episode led me (via a psychiatrist) to a very helpful clinical psychologist who helped me recover. i have spent the last two years working with this poerson and they have helped me to open up and work out what the fuck is going on.


What i have learnt from talking to this person is:

I have intimacy issues, which have led me to make the relationship choices i am in now, and heavily influenced the way i have abused drugs. (on my own with no one else around)

I quite probably have ADHD although i have not been diagnosed. ( i cant even look at a jumble of wires without feeling sick)

I have obsessive tendencies, a big collector and perfectionist.

I am highly intuitive and able regulate my behaviour to fit in, but I lack any real empathy for others.

I am a control freak but i am never coercive or abusive. i like to internalise my controlling behaviour onto myself.

I struggle to find a great deal of pleasure from day to day life, the only thing that seems to give me pleasure is achieving things or creating perfection.


I feel very bad for my wife, she is lonely and when i try to be nice to her it just comes across as fake.

on top of this upsetting admission of addiction, I'm also dealing with the breakdown of my marriage. My mums descent into Frontal Temporal Dementia and my best friend recently becoming paralysed from the waist down in a cycling accident.

Theres a fair bit going on.

Peace

 

[LndRcLvr]

unfortunately no pornography addiction testing....[more addictive than gambling]

Fortunately because i'm almost middle aged now its not an issue when i'm sober. It's just when i get high that porn hub gets battered. (Hopefully never again)

 

[revegeta666]

There seems to be a lot of things to untangle there, sorry to read that.

The good sign is you are already working with specialists and have taken steps towards getting better. I'm not an expert but these things need time and work. Some things also can't even be fixed it's more that you learn to cope with them.

A few of the things you mention I am sure will get better working on mindfulness. Perfectionism, obsessions and need for control for example. Self esteem as well. It's normal that you feel like a scumbag because you are unhappy with your life choices, but a change in mindset is needed to get better. Your psychologist will help you get a different perspective which is needed when we are lost inside our own minds.

For example you mention that you are unable to feel empathy for others. But you also say you feel very bad for your wife. Don't let yourself get caught in absolutisms and defining your life because of self imposed perceptions.

Feeling bad or depressed and unable to feel pleasure or happiness is a natural consequence of abusing substances that fuck with your dopamine receptors. SSRI help mitigate the chemical ups and downs in your brain but a long term use is needed for them to stabilise, as far as I know.

Easy to say these things looking from the outside, sorry about that

A lifetime of bad choices can't be fixed in a couple of years. This should be something you're working on for the rest of your life. The hardest step you already took, which is seeking professional help. Allow yourself to feel proud of this. One step at a time. Fuck the perfectionism, you already have proved yourself you are not perfect haven't you?? Onwards and upwards

 

[LndRcLvr]

For example you mention that you are unable to feel empathy for others. But you also say you feel very bad for your wife. Don't let yourself get caught in absolutisms and defining your life because of self imposed perceptions.

Totally agree with that there are so many shades of grey.

Thank you for your positivity. I most definitely feel less weight now i have admitted these problems to those closest to me, but i know there is still a way to go to find peace.

thanks again

Peace

 

[OleReynard]

5 year addiction here go tired of hearing the Robin's wake up.

Just quit cold turkey, get away from your supplier and just do it.

 

[LndRcLvr]

5 year addiction here go tired of hearing the Robin's wake up.

Just quit cold turkey, get away from your supplier and just do it.

Thanks bud. i've been sober over a month now, ive gone for months and months before but never been in Recovery. thats where i am at now. hopefully forever

 

[subrob]

I spent the late 80s and all of the 90s high on any and everything. Took a short break for an army enlistment, but started right back up as soon as I got out.
When I was 17, I had a cocaine epiphany at a party. There were 3 people I knew there, in their late 20s, early 30s(small town)...I admired them very much. But it was basically, a teen party. And those guys kinda were trying to fit in and I was horribly embarrassed for them. Decided on the spot I would quit doing illicit drugs before I turned 30. And then I thought about that promise for 13 years. September 3rd, 1999, I quit cold turkey and moved to San Diego. Two months before I turned 30. In case I broke down and got high, I'd still have time to keep the promise. Never did though.
Now, I have the benefit of knowing I'm an old man and if I rock up an 8 ball, my heart would probably explode.
Hope you make it thru, life's good on this side.

 

[Nannymouse]

I tried real hard in my younger days to be an alcoholic, but just couldn't deal with the barfing and hangovers. Hardly touch the stuff, except in tinctures. Got a bit addicted to an Rx pain pill, back in my teens, had to stop those, as they were taken off the market. Had a little stint with Rx speed, and had tried coke back when it wasn't crack, never really liked that, at all.

The addictions that i cannot seem to shake or keep shook, are sugar and caffeine. Most people don't look at those as being addictive, but one of my favorite phrases is that i don't want to be on the freeway the day after a ban on sugar and caffeine.

Nicotine was the damndest thing to shake, had a couple of goes at quitting, before i managed. That was over two decades ago. To this day, i avoid being around other's smoke, cuz I'll have ciggy dreams and sometimes wake up in a sweat. So, it's a real deep addiction.

For my fibro, we tried out hormones. Holy shit, i do not know how you guys handle that testosterone. Turned me into wanting to chase cars down the street, biting tires. Dunno how many females are addicted to porn (i suppose it happens) but, i'm of the opinion that people should keep their clothes on all the time, everywhere, even in the shower, lol.

 

[LndRcLvr]

I spent the late 80s and all of the 90s high on any and everything. Took a short break for an army enlistment, but started right back up as soon as I got out.
When I was 17, I had a cocaine epiphany at a party. There were 3 people I knew there, in their late 20s, early 30s(small town)...I admired them very much. But it was basically, a teen party. And those guys kinda were trying to fit in and I was horribly embarrassed for them. Decided on the spot I would quit doing illicit drugs before I turned 30. And then I thought about that promise for 13 years. September 3rd, 1999, I quit cold turkey and moved to San Diego. Two months before I turned 30. In case I broke down and got high, I'd still have time to keep the promise. Never did though.
Now, I have the benefit of knowing I'm an old man and if I rock up an 8 ball, my heart would probably explode.
Hope you make it thru, life's good on this side.

I spent the late 80s and all of the 90s high on any and everything. Took a short break for an army enlistment, but started right back up as soon as I got out.
When I was 17, I had a cocaine epiphany at a party. There were 3 people I knew there, in their late 20s, early 30s(small town)...I admired them very much. But it was basically, a teen party. And those guys kinda were trying to fit in and I was horribly embarrassed for them. Decided on the spot I would quit doing illicit drugs before I turned 30. And then I thought about that promise for 13 years. September 3rd, 1999, I quit cold turkey and moved to San Diego. Two months before I turned 30. In case I broke down and got high, I'd still have time to keep the promise. Never did though.
Now, I have the benefit of knowing I'm an old man and if I rock up an 8 ball, my heart would probably explode.
Hope you make it thru, life's good on this side.

I remember saying 'this will stop when I'm 30'

I also remember saying 'this has to stop when I'm 40'

My kids are probably my biggest motivating factor in this whole mess.

 

[OleReynard]

I was just a snorter, don't like needles At All.

 

[Rgd]

sugar

BAD

and caffeine.

uhh,,my dr said its one of life's little pleasures and don’t sweat the guilt

if I am addicted to anything..its coffee....roast my own.butbyeh..

it probably doesn’t help my sleep pattern but

at my age I just need to stay awake and exercise frequently

 

[bigtacofarmer]

I never told myself I would quit. I basically thought if I stuck to non physically addicting drug and didn't mess with any opiates I could skirt the system and stay high using psychedelics. Eventually I tried mdma and thar kinda broke my rule but what the hell. Then I discovered my wife was nicer to me I stayed high on it. Which I knew was terrible buy I justified it because at least temporarily I was no longer a toxic partner with my wife. And then life put way more mdma in my lap than anyone should need. And the next year was a terrible downward spiral. I ended up telling my wife and quit that nonsense. But not before damaging myself. Not even sure what I was thinking when I pursued the K habit. Saw a lot of stuff and maybe came out a better human than when I started. But fucked up a lot of shit too.

Currently close to a year with no k or alcohol (alcohol wasn't a problem anyway). Over 12 years no cigarettes. I still smoke lots of organic flowers and eat an occasional hit of acid or mushroom. Had my diet super cleaned up a few years ago and I need to get that improved again.

Replaced stupid habits with a bike collecting habit and ride a few times a week

 

[RobFromTX]

I remember when i quit caffeine the first thing that happened was these throbbing headaches that felt like getting stabbed with a hundred needles. Then i researched online and found out that its because more oxygen is getting to your brain. Caffeine consumption causes blood vessels to narrow, reducing or stopping intake allows blood vessels to open up and increases blood flow to the brain. Crazy world we live in. I know after 18 months i dont miss it. Sleep much better too

 

[bigtacofarmer]

I remember when i quit caffeine the first thing that happened was these throbbing headaches that felt like getting stabbed with a hundred needles. Then i researched online and found out that its because more oxygen is getting to your brain. Caffeine consumption causes blood vessels to narrow, reducing or stopping intake allows blood vessels to open up and increases blood flow to the brain. Crazy world we live in. I know after 18 months i dont miss it. Sleep much better too

I need to kick the coffee. I have a bad habit of making several cups a day and frequently stop and get a quad shot of espresso with a little cream and caramel. I'm familiar with those headaches and always cut down consumption whenever I feel I'm drinking coffee just to prevent a headache. Last time I gave it up completely for a while I had way more natural energy. I sure love good coffee. I don't miss alcohol or tobacco. But coffee is a hard one to want to stop.

 

[RobFromTX]

I need to kick the coffee. I have a bad habit of making several cups a day and frequently stop and get a quad shot of espresso with a little cream and caramel. I'm familiar with those headaches and always cut down consumption whenever I feel I'm drinking coffee just to prevent a headache. Last time I gave it up completely for a while I had way more natural energy. I sure love good coffee. I don't miss alcohol or tobacco. But coffee is a hard one to want to stop.

Very true it hits all the marks for a great ritual. It feels good, smells good and tastes great. It just causes a lot of problems down the road i don't want to deal with until its absolutely necessary and thats the real reason i wanted to kick the habit. I know it effects heart health and blood pressure. First thing the docs told my uncle after his first heart attack was to give up or limit caffeine and alcohol. But hey they're saying now that cannabis causes heart issues too and I'll be damned if im quitting that. Pick your poison as they say